Why do women get so bitchy when in a group?

[pinkytoe]

That certainly was a rude thing to say to you. I get that some too as I am petite and don't look my age - yet. Her comment doesn't even make sense though as there are plenty of women who have had kids (myself included) who are in shape. Her problem, not yours

[awakenedsoul]

Tradd, Yeah, that's for sure. Kind of like PMS...JaneV2.0, That's true. I think that's why I avoid groups of women. I prefer one on one. Ishbel, I'll try to remember that one. I was just so shocked. This woman is usually one of the nicer ones in the group. I didn't expect it from her.

[awakenedsoul]

That certainly was a rude thing to say to you. I get that some too as I am petite and don't look my age - yet. Her comment doesn't even make sense though as there are plenty of women who have had kids (myself included) who are in shape. Her problem, not yours

I know. I have lots of friends who have kids and are fit. One of them is an older Rockette. She told me, "It's just discipline. I have three kids. It's discipline." I think she's right.

[Jilly]

She thought she was being funny

No, she did not. She may have said so defensively because she was caught out, but she absolutely did not mean to be humorous. Couching what you say in the name of humor does not mean you were trying to be funny.

There is a woman in one of my groups who does the same thing. She will often say something outrageous to someone and when they are hurt or offended, will then declare that she was only teasing. She does it to me and a couple of weeks ago I started replying in explanation to what she said, just to see what she would do. and when that did not work I defaulted to just not saying anything. Her response was to speak to the room, saying 'oh, Jilly doesn't like what I said, she just doesn't get it'. My reply was that I really could not tell when she was teasing or being serious. Now, she just glares at me.

I have an idea of why she does this, but it makes no difference. All I can do is to gently call her out when she does this stuff.

Ishbel, that is a great response, but I do not think I have the guts to say that. Except for this particular woman, I am more of a slink away and lick my wounds sort of person. I do not admire that in myself, although I am trying and working to be more calmly assertive when this happens. Sort of like training dogs.

[Spartana]

I've been fortunate to never have experienced that - and don't think that is a common thing . Most of the women I know (as well as men) and hang out it as a group or individually have been very nice and supportive. I mostly do sports or recreational activities when with a group of women so the focus is more on the activity then chatting - although we do go out together afterwards and talk then. We do have some joking and banter but no rudeness. I would find such comments and behavior extremely rude even if they were joking and would can them out on it. I find it especially rude and hurtful to comment on a person's childless status. You never know if it's voluntary or not. The person might have spent years longing for and trying to have children without luck. Same with weight - fit or not, fat or not, it's not something anyone should make negative comments about.

[awakenedsoul]

Jilly, She said that she was trying to be funny, but you're right, she was shocked that I confronted her. I told her, "I am NOT a bitch." She looked kind of bewildered. "You should just laugh when someone does that," she answered. They have a lot of this kind of "banter" at the knitting shop. The owner calls it "messing with people." They put each other down and insult each other. I find it obnoxious. I've told the owner so. I'm a good customer, so she is very respectful now. That woman in your group sounds like a bully.
Spartana, I think athletes are more healthy and have much better body images. Most of these women don't like how they look, and they've felt that way for decades. That's a good point about not having kids. I also feel that way about being thin. My legs have kind of shrunk in the last year. I do all kinds of yoga, pilates, and walking, but they still need to get stronger. I hate it when women point out the size of my legs in front of a group. I'm losing muscle mass with age, even though I bike, do leg exercises, etc.

Another lady in the group said to her, "It's jealousy. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything." I really appreciated that.

[Teacher Terry]

I think I would find a new knitting group. I have a group of women that I do things with & no one is ever mean like that.

[Dhiana]

Wow, I would have taken that phrase completely differently! I would have been proud that she was so jealous that I had a body she wanted and simply said, "Thank You! How many cookies would you like to take home?"

I really, really doubt she meant you were actually a Bitch, it was a way for her to say how jealous she was that you have put in the work necessary to look great and feel great about yourself.
Whether we like it or not, not everyone has our own sense of humor. They vary greatly and getting to know the person better will allow one to know if it really is just teasing or nastiness.

How many years have those 1/2 hour sitcoms that use sarcastic humor been around? 20 years+? It is now pervasive in our society and we do need to realize the people around us will use those same humor concepts to get a laugh. Best way to shut someone down is to dish it right back twice as hard.

In my stitch group I'm always prepared with some innocuous subjects to move conversations to more positive angles if I see a problem. Such as, "Have you seen the latest podcast from The Fat Squirrel?" "Has anyone been to 'such n such' place lately?" Don't let the bitching, whining, politics, dead pet story go on too long.

It might be time to create your own stitch group if this group does not mesh with what you are looking for. Some groups of women are really nasty, juvenile people who wallow in their failures. Walk away if you feel you are not getting from this stitch group what you are seeking.
Or maybe the owner could provide the option for you to start your own group at a different time in her shop?

[Float On]

Sadly, "bitch" has become the new way of saying "buddy" or "friend" or "girlfriend". I hear it all the time, "I'm just hangin' with my bitches." Just like "awesome" there are certain words that those of us over age 45 just shouldn't use. Others over 45 may not understand the current 'definition' of a word.

[Tradd]

I would have ripped that woman a good one. I'm very fluent in sarcasm and profanity.