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Thread: Need Alone Time

  1. #1
    Senior Member Sad Eyed Lady's Avatar
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    Need Alone Time

    I am wondering if most women feel this need for alone time? DH and I have been married 40+ years, no children - just the two of us. We are both retired and still have a great marriage and relationship. Yet, I NEED alone time. He doesn't seem to be this way so much, and this made me wonder if this is a woman/man type thing. Do women crave time alone more than men? I might add that DH is also a very inside kind of person. He is a reader, a writer, and not one to go out to piddle around with an automobile, or work in the yard, etc. So most of his activities are inside. I know there are some wives who may go through a whole day and barely see their spouse even thought he is home due the things he enjoys being outside the house. We have actually had discussions about this, more than once, and while DH is very understanding, and makes an effort to do differently, he falls back into the same routine after a few days. We have a nice little library just a couple of blocks away, so that is a place he can frequent, and does. He goes to a walking track most days, so that's good. It's just getting him out the door to do these things! In fact, it seems that morning is the preferred time I want alone. I feel guilty, wanting him out of the house, but even just an hour or two alone makes me a whole different person. Something I can't really explain, but it is there - a part of me and who I am.
    "Like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in the midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free." Leonard Cohen

  2. #2
    Senior Member Miss Cellane's Avatar
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    I don't think this is necessarily a man/woman thing. I think some people just like being alone more than other people.

    In your case, maybe some sort of compromise is possible. Half the time, he leaves the house, and you, alone for an hour or two. The other half of the time, you leave the house to find your alone time. This means that both of you will be shaking up your normal routine, instead of just him.

    So three days a week, you head for the library or coffee shop or just take a walk. And three days a week, he leaves.

    Or if mornings are your preferred alone time, can you get up an hour earlier than he does and spend that time by yourself? If you have a sunroom or a porch or a deck, you could move there, and be by yourself for an hour.

  3. #3
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    I need an hour at least every morning to sort out my thoughts and find the peace for the day. DH used to leave me to it as he noticed that my disposition improved with it and deteriorated without that private space.
    It actually got to the point that he relaxed in one chair and simply was very quiet with his eyes closed so that I felt complete peace in my chair. It was a quiet contentment both ways but it took a while to get to that stage.
    I also got my space when I walked the dog for an hour approximately each morning.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  4. #4
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    I need alone time.....and a lot of it.
    I go on a personal retreat almost every year where I get three days away by myself - I rent a cottage on a big ranch about an hour away. I completely recharge.
    But I need alone time on a daily basis as well. Personally I'd rather everyone else leave the house and let me have quiet at home for 3 hours.
    There are times where I'm just desperate to have the bed all to myself and so I ask my husband to sleep in the guest room.
    There are times where I really don't want a hug from anyone (personal space people).
    This may also be why I love my kayaks. I go by myself most of the time - paddle hard and find a quiet cove and just float around by myself.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  5. #5
    TxZen
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    I tend to be a loner even though most people think I am a social butterfly.

    I enjoy myself when I am out but then I need a lot of downtime and some alone time at home to recover. I take very long walks and can putter around the house. Everyone knows not to just show up unannounced because I won't answer the door. I need my space- even from my precious boys.

    Hubby does things like taking our son to the movies or the pool so I can veg for a little while.

  6. #6
    Senior Member awakenedsoul's Avatar
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    I think it's common for women to need more alone time as they age. I've read it as a symptom of menopause. I think that it's actually healthy for spiritual growth. Could you make a place for yourself that is yours alone in the a.m.? I spend a few hours a day on my porch. It's cool, shady, and peaceful. I live alone, so it's different. But, when I lived with a man, I liked having time and space to do yoga and meditate every day. You know how some men have man cave? Maybe you need a woman cave... I hope you find a solution. Your husband sounds really sweet. Maybe he's a homebody...

  7. #7
    Senior Member ctg492's Avatar
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    I need my time. Hubby needs his time. Back I. The day, I used to follow him around on Saturday or Sunday. What do you want to do? What are you doing? Oh boy those days are gone! Every so often I read one of those feel good stories in the
    news on someone's passing. How they never spent time apart from spouse. I kinda think, I doubt it or poor them!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Sad Eyed Lady's Avatar
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    Having time in the morning hours before he gets up isn't going to happen. I am not a morning person, and he is up by 5:30, so he already has a few hours before I am up and about. On the other hand, he does go to bed earlier than I do so I do have some time then, but it's not the same as starting my day in a quiet way. Miss Cellane noted that we should kind of "take turns" being out of the house, but, (I didn't point this out earlier), I am much more of a "goer" then he is, so I am out quite a bit and there again he has some hours alone. I am so close to how Float On described herself; that time alone is a real need. When I worked I would go out to lunch alone usually, maybe drive to the city park and just sit in the car and read for an hour if it was chilly out, or sit at a picnic table if it was nice. When DH is out I tend to get in a better mood and am glad to see him when he comes back - after I've had that space alone at home for just a couple of hours. And, awakenedsoul , he is really sweet and a homebody. You're right.
    "Like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in the midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free." Leonard Cohen

  9. #9
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sad Eyed Lady View Post
    I am so close to how Float On described herself; that time alone is a real need. When I worked I would go out to lunch alone usually, maybe drive to the city park and just sit in the car and read for an hour if it was chilly out, or sit at a picnic table if it was nice.
    The other day I grabbed a book and went to one of the parks by one of the lakes and found a bench. I was hoping for a little alone time to read and drink my cucumber/lime infused water. Not one but three different fishermen stopped to chat and ask me about my book. Inside I was screaming "I'm trying to read...move along" the trout must of not been biting very well. I ended up in my car. Not what I had intended.

    I read over what I wrote again and thought "that sounds really introverted" and I'm not. I pour a lot of energy into people and activities, I just really need my time too.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  10. #10
    Senior Member SiouzQ.'s Avatar
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    The older I get, the more I crave being alone, though I do like to know that there are people nearby sometimes in the background, if that makes any sense. I loved my 16 day road trip all by myself and can't quite imagine sharing that amount of time and space with another person, 24/7. I think really it would freak me out.

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