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Thread: and so the wedding planning begins

  1. #1
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    and so the wedding planning begins

    DD annouonced her engagement six months ago and finally has made time to start looking for venues and other details. I have been sitting on pins and needles because I know this will probably be a big expense for us and therefore we need to budget for it. If DD is soon to be 32, has lived with her fiancee for three years and makes more income than we do, what do you think is appropriate as far as our financial input? I need to have that talk with her. Obviously, I would pay for everything if we had the money, but also need to be realistic about how we spend our money these days. I know weddings don't have to be big, fancy affairs but that is a distinct possibility...

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    I was 30 when I got married. DH and I paid for our entire wedding. His mother hosted a rehearsal dinner but we did not ask her to do that, and we would have paid for that if she had let us. Although my parents had sufficient means, I had long considered myself completely independent and never considered asking them to pay any part of it.

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    Senior Member awakenedsoul's Avatar
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    Are you set for your retirement? I would make that my first priority. Since your daughter makes more money than you do, it seems different than a 20 year old just starting out and getting married. Do you have other children? Did you give them money for their marriages? My parents gave each of my brothers $10,000. for their weddings. I'm single, so I didn't get the 10 grand. It sounded like a lot of money to me. I would trust your gut, especially in this economy and at this stage of your life.

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    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I was 24 when I married, and it really was never an option that anyone other than us would pay for it. I'd been out of college for a couple of years, of course it was my responsbility to pay for it. And so we had something relatively small (50 people) because that was within our budget.

    My brother reached out to my parents when he was in his late 30s, and he and his gf had been living together a number of years, and he went to my parents and expected them to pay for his wedding (he's the baby of the family, with a huge entitlement streak). When they replied they would give a generous gift, but not pay for the wedding, it turns out it really wasn't important enough to him to use his OWN money so they continue to live together without marriage. If it was important, they could have gone to a justice of the peace. My brother and his GF just wanted to have a lavish party on someone else's dime.

    I certainly wouldn't provide an open ended arrangement, there's no incentive to be economical when you are using other people's money. I would offer what I would be comfortable giving, and either they work within their budget, or they work to afford the extras.

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    Senior Member larknm's Avatar
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    I second awakenedsoul. If DD is willing to take more from you than you can do, don't collude with her, as in your first priority is to take care of yourself.
    I think deep in our hearts we know that our comforts, our conveniences are at the expense of other people. Grace Lee Boggs

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    Senior Member Miss Cellane's Avatar
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    I wouldn't ask what was reasonable. I'd look at my budget and DD's timeline for the wedding and figure out how much I *could* give and how much I *want* to give.

    Also factor in things such as any travel to the wedding location and hotel stay if necessary, wedding and shower gifts, new clothes for you and other family members if you would need them, time off from work for the various events, the cost of a shower if you will be hosting one, etc.

    Most of the couples I know that are getting married today finance the wedding with a combination of their own savings and some money from the parents. A few have paid for their weddings themselves. None of the weddings I've attended recently have been paid in full by the parents. (Not saying that still isn't done, but it is becoming increasingly rare.)

    When you decide how much you want to give, tell your DD the amount and make it clear that is the extent of your contribution.

    Another way to do this is pay for just one or two things. You might want to pay for her wedding dress, for example. Or the flowers. If you go this route, do give your DD a budget amount, so she doesn't start looking at $15,000 wedding dresses.

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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Have you not had any discussion about this financial issue? It's late in the game for this. Give only what you are comfortable giving. Given what you have shared about your daughter's lifestyle, this will not be a simple, economical wedding.

    I personally wouldn't give a dime more than $5,000 since a simple, economical wedding can be had for that amount, that will finance a whole shindig.

    My dad always told me while I was single "plan a wedding, then I'll give you the money and you can elope." I did elope, but didn't even plan a wedding, I was too bored by the concept. I was 35 and wouldn't have considered using their money, anyway.

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    Yes, Iris, we have had discussions but as I told her, tell me what you have in mind, and we'll figure the money part out. Thus far, I haven't gotten any details to consider like how many folks they intend to invite so it is has been hard to know. She seems to attend friend's weddings every month and they run the gamut. Some really get into being resourceful. It is also a weird situation because the in-laws are wealthy by our standards. In any case, this will be an interesting journey.

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    My son is getting married in late August and they are having 18 people, including themselves, for a wedding in a public park (there was a fee for that), they will host a dinner for immediate family the night before and a brunch for all of us the day of the wedding.

    He told me that her family is not in a position to help, he and his fiancee have law school debt and that they would not ask us to foot the bill. We will give them a check that is an amount with which we are comfortable.

    I know that they plan to have a party for their larger group of friends in the fall because, of course, their friends want to celebrate with them.

    To me, it sounds like a perfectly lovely celebration!

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkytoe View Post
    Yes, Iris, we have had discussions but as I told her, tell me what you have in mind, and we'll figure the money part out. Thus far, I haven't gotten any details to consider like how many folks they intend to invite so it is has been hard to know. She seems to attend friend's weddings every month and they run the gamut. Some really get into being resourceful. It is also a weird situation because the in-laws are wealthy by our standards. In any case, this will be an interesting journey.
    Perhaps she and fiancé plan to take care of it by themselves.

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