Frustrated with a friend

[CathyA]

She's dealing with a whole lot more than just her father's death. Sounds like her entire family is hard to be around. I would definitely encourage her to work on things with a counselor. And sometimes, people just suck all the oxygen out of the air, and we can't breathe. Do what you can, but try not to feel responsible for her happiness.
Maybe it's a good idea to do those things with her that distract her from her problems. Don't respond as much to the depressing things she might say.
I know it seems weird, but sometimes people actually think they need to feel bad. Maybe if she experiences more joy and "fun", she can see that there's benefit in changing how she feels. She may honestly think she's getting comfort when she complains. Hopefully she can realize that not complaining has its benefits too.
Good luck with this Frugalone....it's not an easy position to be in.

[SteveinMN]

I know it seems weird, but sometimes people actually think they need to feel bad.

Though I don't think it's the case with Frugalones' friend, some people similarly seem to like being triumphantly unhappy, b!tching and moaning about pretty much everything. Ick.

[frugalone]

Reviving this thread.

Things haven't gotten better--they've gotten worse. She lost a cousin rather suddenly to cancer (it was undiagnosed until it was too late) and now her sister is in the hospital with suspected cancer.

I'm having such a hard time. Every day there is some sort of dramatic email from her. Like she was flipping out about her sister last night. I told her to wait till the biopsy results are in, and I asked her today how she was doing in a PM on Facebook. She has not even answered me, but then she posts a picture of herself with her daughter and grandchildren at the farmer's market. Wait--how upset can she possibly be?! And her roller coaster marriage is really driving me nuts.

Thing is, she does have a counselor. And she's always telling me how much she appreciates me as a friend. We've been friends since we were in grammar school. We've tried the "tell me something good that happened to you today" thing and I don't know if it helps.

Honestly? I don't know how to be nice and set boundaries at the same time. It's frustrating. Especially the thing with the marriage. One day she is leaving him; the next day they're talking about building a house. Sigh.

[iris lilies]

Reviving this thread.

Things haven't gotten better--they've gotten worse. She lost a cousin rather suddenly to cancer (it was undiagnosed until it was too late) and now her sister is in the hospital with suspected cancer.

I'm having such a hard time. Every day there is some sort of dramatic email from her. Like she was flipping out about her sister last night. I told her to wait till the biopsy results are in, and I asked her today how she was doing in a PM on Facebook. She has not even answered me, but then she posts a picture of herself with her daughter and grandchildren at the farmer's market. Wait--how upset can she possibly be?! And her roller coaster marriage is really driving me nuts.

Thing is, she does have a counselor. And she's always telling me how much she appreciates me as a friend. We've been friends since we were in grammar school. We've tried the "tell me something good that happened to you today" thing and I don't know if it helps.

Honestly? I don't know how to be nice and set boundaries at the same time. It's frustrating. Especially the thing with the marriage. One day she is leaving him; the next day they're talking about building a house. Sigh.

Having had a crazy friend or two who love the drama, in the end, it's not worth continuing. Practically, there is so little you can talk about with the crazy one that the interactions become seldom and short.

But with one of my crazy ex-friends we share intense interest in iris, so that's what we talk about when we run into each other. It's a safe topic, it's also something that interest us. That's only what we talk about. As you can imagine, that makes for a very limited relationship. OTOH I have a regular relationship with other people about just iris and nothing but iris. So it can be done.

[frugalone]

iris lilies, yeah, I hate to say this but it's starting to feel toxic and annoying.

[Teacher Terry]

I have had long time friendships that I have had to let die a slow death when they no longer bring any pleasure at all. Since I hate confrontation I just become too busy to answer calls, go places, emails, etc until the person gets the hint. If someone asks me directly I will be honest.

[frugalone]

I really am going to try and hang in there. One decision I've made is that I am not answering Facebook messages after 9 p.m. It just gets me riled up if there's some kind of drama.

[Williamsmith]

I have some life experience with grief. Both through my profession and in my personal life. I visited grieving people not as a counselor but as a support person. I think it is important to realize you can not act as a professional counselor. You can however, help people through their grief by just being present to them and allowing them to see that someone cares enough to sit and listen.

Listening is perhaps the best and hardest thing to do. It is not easy to be always actively listening. In fact, it is quite difficult not to either be too absorbed in another's grief or just plain overwhelmed by their complications. It is not only okay to realize your limitations, I think it is imperative that you acknowledge when someone's problems are too difficult for you to continue actively listening.

There came a time when I had to withdraw from visitation because I could no longer absorb the grief of other people and continue my own healthy development. It sounds selfish but truly you are like a sponge that is saturated. You have to take some time off to wring yourself out before you get back into it. There should be someone to take over while you are absent.

If this does not make sense to you then I apologize. This has simply been my experience and I wanted to share it.

[Float On]

That has got to be frustrating. I admire you for "hanging in there". It's hard to do. Some people just love wallowing. Good idea to drop facebook after 9 p.m. I have one friend who is always very negative. I've started telling her "tell me three good things that have happened lately" when we get together and somehow that has managed to take up the whole visit time instead of starting on a negative note.

[Float On]

There came a time when I had to withdraw from visitation because I could no longer absorb the grief of other people and continue my own healthy development. It sounds selfish but truly you are like a sponge that is saturated. You have to take some time off to wring yourself out before you get back into it. There should be someone to take over while you are absent.

excellent.