aloneness, loneliness and self regulation

[razz]

Zoegirl, when I entered widowhood about 22 months ago, I gave myself time to think things through. The dream of the past was no longer relevant. It took about 15 months to find a new dream for my life ahead. I resolved to live in the now. I cherished what was wonderful of the past, discarded any yucks without rehearsal but knew that it was only today that I would experience.

The dream did not involve another in any way as it is my dream. If someone wants to buy in at some point (which I very much doubt will happen) it will be on my terms.

Can you find a dream for the rest of your life to guide your actions?

I am finding warmth and friendship in many situations - a walking companion, an art group, a gardening group, weekly cards, theatre. I find that I must often first volunteer and the rest comes. The walking group evolved from my Metopera group and into a book group. I aired my interests and others wanted to share. Have not found a ballet performance companion as yet though but that is OK.
Find out your key interests, share them and see what unfolds. Start with small steps. Have faith in yourself as a beautiful and loveable being and see the same in others.

[Suzanne]

Just one more thing, Zoegirl: you don't have to ask permission from your group. You can, however, ask for support. I'm glad that you opened the conversation with them!

[SteveinMN]

she does not seem to think there will be any affect on them because she will take them to movies.

I could not point to/have not looked for real studies of this, but I have seen several people (the ones who initiiated the process) enter the divorce process thinking they know exactly how it will go and that everyone will just move on with their lives happy with the new normal. I'm not sure where this clouded vision comes from, but I've seen it a surprising number of times from ordinarily-reasonable people.

[SteveinMN]

The dream did not involve another in any way as it is my dream. If someone wants to buy in at some point (which I very much doubt will happen) it will be on my terms.

When my wife and I divorced, one of the questions I had for myself was whether I ever would be in another committed relationship. My answer (to myself) was that it didn't matter if I was, because I was going to be happy with myself. I would have my own time and energy to improve what I wanted to improve about my life and I was going to enjoy life whether or not I was with someone else. Not that I needed no one -- friends provided critical support in the recovery process for me. But it was only after I had a chance to reflect on what had happened within the marriage and actualize that I was healthy enough to choose to be in a committed relationship. And one of the things I like most about DW is that she is healthy enough to choose to be in a committed relationship. And in one with me.

[ToomuchStuff]

The other thing that gives me pause now that I am not so jealous of the 10 hours a week of house cleaning is that she is not taking this chance to live on her own and just date this new great guy. To have her own place, her own way, her own time, … since the spiritual focus is my major awareness in life I realize I am not totally jealous, but I sure felt it for awhile.

House cleaning? (I expect she still has to help at his place) The way that is written, it isn't really clear to me with the double negatives. (not so, not taking) However jealousy tends to be in one of two forms, Envy and wishing bad things on others. Think about which you actually feel and why and maybe you can answer your own "what should I focus on" questions, that you may not realize you have.

[Spartana]

When my wife and I divorced, one of the questions I had for myself was whether I ever would be in another committed relationship. My answer (to myself) was that it didn't matter if I was, because I was going to be happy with myself. I would have my own time and energy to improve what I wanted to improve about my life and I was going to enjoy life whether or not I was with someone else. Not that I needed no one -- friends provided critical support in the recovery process for me. But it was only after I had a chance to reflect on what had happened within the marriage and actualize that I was healthy enough to choose to be in a committed relationship. And one of the things I like most about DW is that she is healthy enough to choose to be in a committed relationship. And in one with me.

This was my reasoning after I divorced too. Life was great and was going to be even better - whether I was with someone or not. I really loved being single (maybe too much :-)!) and felt as if there was a whole new world to explore, new things to do and try without having to deal with some of the issues that come with being part of a couple (i.e. compromises). It's not that I don't enjoy being with someone (have been with a great guy for quite awhile now) but have felt a deep and profound sense of fulfillment just being on my own without a partner - or the need for a partner.

[Tammy]

Razz I love what you write.

[razz]

Razz I love what you write.

Thank you. Sometimes I wonder if I say too much so your comment is appreciated.

[Gardenarian]

If you want to keep giving people flowers out of your basket, you've got to stop and refill the basket now and then.

That's a really lovely image, Steve!

[margene]

Personally leaving my children I would not find easy at all. I haven't met a man that would be able to fill that void.