Sympathy on death of estranged relative?

[fidgiegirl]

Two friends of mine, sisters, have lost their father from whom they were estranged for the last several years. What is a good way to acknowledge their loss where the usual platitudes do not feel quite right?

[iris lilies]

I might say something like "I am sorry for your loss. While your relationship with him was difficult, the loss of a parent has impact and I hope you find healing during this time." Or perhaps say "...while he was difficult, the loss of a parent has impact..."

His death may have little impact on their lives but its bound to have some effect. And in reality, it may have a BIG impact on their lives. People who have a difficult relationship with a dead parent oftentimes struggle the most with that death because they are mourning all over again the parent that they never had.

The trick here is that you don't really know how they feel about this so it's harder to respond than to a conventional death. I hope no one would take my words as an assumption, but that's why this is difficult to write.

[Packy]

What do you mean, "acknowledging" it? If they are estranged, then it is not much of a loss, it's is just the realization of your own mortality, and some unresolved conflict that resolved itself. The person you had is deceased, so they are not aware of anything you do. Maybe there are some family members that took sides, for practical reasons, and you wish to reconcile with them. Not sure. Anyway, give it time--you will get over it. Nothing else will help nearly as much.

[kib]

Interesting the two totally opposing POVs above! I think the struggle with the death of a parent probably runs the gamut. Even people with non-estranged relationships can have unacknowledged and socially "unacceptable" feelings, like relief, that are not addressed. I think I would offer a platitude, and see how it's taken. "This must be difficult for you, I'm sorry" ... do you get a thank you? Or "yeah? Well I'm not!" That would be a pretty good indicator of what to say next.

[catherine]

[/I]His death may have little impact on their lives but its bound to have some effect. And in reality, it may have a BIG impact on their lives. People who have a difficult relationship with a dead parent oftentimes struggle the most with that death because they are mourning all over again the parent that they never had.

+1000
You hit the nail on the head for me. Exactly how I felt when my father died. Grieving the dad you didn't have is different kind of pain than grieving the dad you did have. But let me tell you, it's profoundly painful nonetheless. At least it was for me.

I think I'd just stick with "I'm sorry to hear" or "my sympathies" or "I'm thinking about you at this time." You don't have to get specific.

[ToomuchStuff]

Wait to give condolenses until they say something. There is no point in trying to give sympathy, if they don't even want to bring them up. This is what was appreciated by my friend whose father tried to murder him.
ESPECIALLY if you don't know why they are estranged. (know of a few different reasons some have been)

[Spartana]

I would keep it brief and to the point - Condolences for the passing of your Father - and that's it. Or as other's have said, do nothing but call and let your friend know that you are a shoulder to lean on if he/she needs it. Just because a person is estranged from a parent doesn't mean they don't love them, or have deep feelings for them still. Unless you know the reason for the estrangement (is it abuse? They didn't get along? Didn't like the choice of spouse? Parent had an affair? Left the family? whatever) then you don't really know how the person feels about their parent. It may be a huge loss or a huge relief or nothing at all to them.

[larknm]

I think conolences and sympathy are out of order. I say spend time with them, not referring to the death unless they do. People who did this at my mother's wake (a woman no one was sorry had died) were doing good. When my father died, who everyone was sorry had died, no one said things of sympathy or condolences either--actually, in both cases, it was time spent enjoying talking that I remember and appreciate.