Having been one of these sorts of teens, I would like to reassure you that it will get better once they have become more comfortable with themselves
Having been one of these sorts of teens, I would like to reassure you that it will get better once they have become more comfortable with themselves
Thank you for this thread....our family is generally close, but we do have one child who is working through things and seems to find me at best boring and at worst annoying. It's very painful. When she's 'on' she is bright and funny and wonderful, but when she's 'off', look out! She can be very harsh and sarcastic, or completely disinterested in anything that's going on, family-wise.
I'm one of those people who reported a very close family... and still my father claims that all three of us girls were completely untolerable from age 16 and only became human again around in our early twenties. Honestly for me, the relationship started to improve when I moved out because I didn't feel "controlled". And I am not at all saying that parental control is a bad thing... it kept me from making any number of unrecoverable mistakes.
It's obvious you care a great deal about your sons, and that will go a long way towards maintaining close relationships in the future years. It will get better.
Thanks for all your thoughts, everyone. razz, I have been pretty careful to let him go as he showed signs of needing space and responsibility--which was around age 13. ds2 needed to detach even sooner, but he remained friendly and communicative, even as he merrily led his own life.
Thinking ahead, I'm now already starting to worry about my 7 yr old's teen years. He is intense, obsessive, demanding...just like ds1 was. :0 Well, I'd better cross that bridge later. Today is hard enough!
I was that teenager I came to after I moved out Things do work out
A lot of people hear the phrase "Fathers date your daughters" but to be honest, I think Moms need to date their sons as well. Once a month, my son (17 yr old senior) and I have a "date". Sometimes it's a major deal (like going to a minor league ball game) and others it's simply having breakfast at IHOP. These are planned activities where it's just he and I spending time together and during those times we talk. We talk about his dreams for the future as well as my own (I don't probe about personal stuff but ask more general questions.. such as "how is the school application process going?" or "Is Matt (his Best friend) enjoying his first year at college?"and often times he volunteers information about what he's been up to, opens up about friends and will ask for advice. I also do impromptu "Lets go grab a coffee" moments where if he's been rather withdrawn I'll take him out to Starbucks and he does open up. He's even asked if we can go to coffee on occassion because he's most comfortable talking in those types of settings outside of our home. I don't probe. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk about anything important so we just make small talk. For us, having these "dates" is a great way to stay connected.
My wife has always been good about getting a conversation going with our 3 dd's. Sometimes I think she just wears them down. I call it her "debriefing". Sometimes she offers advise, other times she just listens, she asks direct and pointed questions, though she says I am their mother - not trying to be their best friend - doesn't mind calling them on the carpet when needs be. Now with 2 out of the house, they talk nearly everyday. I've been told I don't asked the right questions *sigh*
Sometimes I have seen where teenagers that won't talk with their parents - for whatever reason - but will talk with a neutral 3rd party like a school counselor, religious leader or maybe parents of a friend. Hopefully those 3rd party individuals will support you rather than contradict what good you are trying to accomplish.
My wife is also big on "picking her battles" -- in the long run some battles aren't worth the fight - maybe like cleaning their room, etc., but will battle about going to someone's house, she will find out what kind of supervision will be there, any older brother's, etc. etc. We had some parents lie to us once and that really put an end to them going to friend's houses that we don't know personally - and can trust. We have never been into just letting the kids "hang-out" at their friend's house. The can "hang-out" at our house, when we are home...!
I really feel for parents who struggle with their teenagers - we have been so lucky. Growing up I had a sibling that created a lot of problems in the household - it was hell for my parents and for me! I have never been to their house (we live in same city), but
would be welcomed - we are just very different.
...and another thing ...Dads are different, our conversations are often more brief - and to the point. And I do pack my dd's lunch for her everyday. I really didn't think it was a big deal -- apparently it is a big deal. Something she mentions to her friends, "my DAD makes MY lunch". And they are in ahhhh. Sometimes simple things are appreciated.
...my mother made my brother and my bed's everyday we lived at home (maybe she used it as an excuse to go into our rooms?!) When I went to college - I lived in an apartment with 5 roommates. I was the ONLY one who made their bed everyday (when I got up). I quizzed them and they all had to make their own beds growing up! Interesting experiment. Hmm sort of off topic though....
i find that if I need them to talk to me, they don't know what to say to me. but if i go about living my own life, then they tend to seek me out. it's just human nature to want what is not right in front of us.
when our kids entered 7th grade, my husband told me we were done raising them. this was now the season to see what they chose to do with their lives. that sounded early to me at the time, but in retrospect, he was right. they were done hearing from us, and it was time to let go and let them make decisions, and also answer for those decisions.
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