What the hell ...

[kib]

I considered keeping this to myself, but it's making me absolutely crazy today. Maybe someone else will feel better when they read about my particular brand of family dysfunction. In any event, I'd welcome feedback. There's a whole lot of psycho back story going back to childhood here, but suffice to say while I don't have a great deal of contact with my parents, maybe once a month, I'm not estranged from them, we're not "in a fight" or anything like that, I consider myself "on top of" the relationship and they are really the only two blood relatives I have in this country.

So ...

My mother writes me email last night saying that she and my father finally used up the rest of the Amazon gift certificate I gave them to buy a new griddle, they ruined the old one so this is really helpful and they can finally have pancakes again, isn't this wonderful! She then goes on to mention in passing that my 90 year old father had a stroke (what killed my grandmother at about the same age) and was in the hospital for three days but he's home now and doing well, he should make a full recovery. Hope you are doing fine, love Mom.

?

!

Really? I expect the next one to read something like, "I won my mahjong tournament! Sorry you missed Dad’s funeral but it was just a small gathering."

My feelings are so all over the board. I'm trying to make this not all about me. Not succeeding. Worried about my Dad. Angry at my mom but worried about her too, this must be incredibly stressful and scary for her. Feeling rejected, isolated, cut off from anything real in this family (story of my life with them). Angry. Hurt. Frustrated. Guilty. Fed up. Trying to do what is right. Totally and completely not sure if what is right is about honoring my mother's perceived wish to exclude me, reinterpreting it as a wish to protect me, totally going over her head and for once connecting directly with my Dad as she stands there pushing me away ... just ... I ...

[catherine]

Wow..

I'm sorry but I laughed out loud at:

"I won my mahjong tournament! Sorry you missed Dad’s funeral but it was just a small gathering."

But regarding the bigger issue--not sure what context to put that in. I'm assuming your mother is also quite on in years?

Trying to put myself in a similar situation.. well, I have a story from the opposite POV in which I felt just like you.

I get a call from DS29 (at the time), around 4pm one day. He says, "Did you hear from [DD] or [DS34]?" I said I hadn't, and then he started crying. As it turns out, the previous evening he was at someone's backyard party, and he had to go to the bathroom. He went to a door that he thought led into the house. It opened in, to the basement. So as you would do if you were opening a door that opens in, he leaned in, and stepped and fell down a flight of stairs to the basement. He had a gash on his head and a broken shoulder. He was in the hospital all night with tests for concussions, etc.

I could not believe my two other children did not call and tell me IMMEDIATELY. Every night I make sure my cell phone is fully charged by my bed in case they need to reach me. I had a very frank discussion telling them I do not need to be protected, I need to be informed. We are a very close family, and this kind of blew me away.

So I think your general observation that your mother didn't want to "bother" you with something as little as a stroke (??) is probably correct, although a little misguided. Could you speak her about it and just find out what she was thinking? And then tell her that the next time your dad has anything that's any more significant than a teeth cleaning, you want to know. Then that takes her off the hook, "Oh, should I call kib? I don't want to upset her." etc…

[CathyA]

Sorry Kib! Has your mother always had her head in the sand? I ask that because my mother did, and she would do things like that. She came to visit me in college once (not far from home) and nonchalantly said while we were out eating lunch.........Aunt Kitty awhile back and we went to her funeral." Huh????? Sometimes I think some women are just out-to-lunch when it comes to thinking things through.

Maybe she thought you weren't very close to him? You made the comment that maybe she didn't want to upset the kids. Did she always do that? I have a SIL who is doing that with her grown children about her DH/their father, who has been struggling with cancer for years, but she doesn't share most of the info with them because she doesn't want to "upset them." That really ticks me off. I think it's an excuse for something else. (not sure what, but to me, it IS an excuse).

Can you come out and say to your mom "Mom......when someone in our family becomes ill or dies, would you PLEASE let me know when it happens........not a couple weeks later.......but right after it happens?!!?"
Maybe I'm thinking too much about my own mother........but there are some people out there who just don't think right about these things.

[bae]

KIB - are there perhaps cognitive issues involved? I have several elderly relatives who exhibit what from what my end looks like inability to prioritize actions or communications, but what is from their end simple scatter-brained behavior.

"I'll call bae to tell him about The Important Thing."

Call

"Oh hello, did you see the weather we're having today. Yada yada yada... OK, well, bye bye - oh, wait, I forgot to tell you - the house is on fire! Talk to you later!"

"..."

[kib]

I did try to ask, and got what I consider to be the usual sort of non-answer I don't know what to do with. "The hospital is an hour away, I've been very busy, if it was really important of course I would have called." Really? Past experience says otherwise. And I'm sure she has been busy, busy and stressed out and frightened and even though she's been complaining about this man for 54 years, terrified of losing him. But for me it doesn't address the underlying thing ... which might be a matter of self importance or narcissism on my part ... the underlying thing being that telling the relevant people, the other people who have relationships with this person and with you, is part of what being connected in family means. I keep having to re-examine that basic life connection and question its very existence, and I can't seem to get beyond that.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Some people are that way about the prospect of death of loved ones (or close enough to death, I do realize he's not dead yet), they try to put on a cheery face, think they should be cheery that way. And then it's really not about you but their way of coping. You should talk to your dad at least on the phone, and maybe go out there (you know you want to - I bet - know you have the compulsion - dad might be dying etc. - of course he might as well completely recover, that's certainly possible - it's just 90 years old with a stroke is all. My dad didn't quite make it to 90 ).

My mom seems to have a good capacity for denial as well. She needs it. Oh trust me she needs it, it keeps her able to take the punches of life and be the mostly content and lovable person she is. If she was not like that she'd be more prone to the melancholy I can be at times, she'd have to be.

Yea it does make me feel better about my family. And I'd been depressed about them this weekend, I feel like I'll need to bail them out financially because of their stupid, but at the same time I don't really have the financial capacity to do that (I'm honestly not that high earning etc.). But yea it does make me put their crazy in perspective, it could be worse.

[Float On]

Kib, once we got a very upset call from my MIL. She was upset that no one had sent flowers while she was in the hospital having surgery for breast cancer. Ummm.....she hadn't bothered to tell any of us that she was going into the hospital for surgery or that she had cancer.

[catherine]

the underlying thing being that telling the relevant people, the other people who have relationships with this person and with you, is part of what being connected in family means. I keep having to re-examine that basic life connection and question its very existence, and I can't seem to get beyond that.

That seems like a reasonable expectation, but I don't think you're alone in this type of experience, and I don't think it necessarily signals a lack of love or caring. Seems hard to believe. I think bae could be right--that's why I asked about your mother's age. And I can also testify that coming from a dysfunctional family, going through life as if you live in a silo is not unusual. I adore my brothers, but the way we connect is very detached, unfortunately. When my mother died, my brother wanted to let my other brother know in an email. I had to say, "No, I think this is the type of thing you use a telephone for." My SIL can't get over it, and she can't understand how we relate--and we're not mad, and we're not even neutral. We love each other.

So try not to take it personally. There could be a lot of reasons that she didn't tell you which have nothing to do with her love for you.

[kib]

Bae, I think that's a possibility, or at least a contributing factor. She seems like the one who's more active, but she's also the one who makes things ridiculously complicated and makes me feel out of control - keeping me away from any sort of action and then blaming me when things go wrong because I didn't do anything. This has always been annoying but as I question her judgment more and more, it is becoming worrisome as well.

[pinkytoe]

Your post hit home as about an hour ago, I texted dd to let her know that her dad was seeing a cardiologist today and that there might be repercussions given his recent symptoms. I thought long and hard about not notifying her but honestly, I may need her moral support if the outcome is not positive. I think there is probably a bit of martyr syndrome in some females (especially older ones) about not wanting to upset people. My in-laws do the same thing but in their case, it is because they spend so much time at the hospital that we have all become used to it.