my oldest kid, total momma rant

[iris lilies]

I agree with Chicken Lady, I'd pay dental costs if it wasn't a hardship for me. But you know what I thought of before the OP's last post? Birth control. I'd pay for really excellent, super-duper extra fine birth control first, before dental work. Preferably the kind of birth control where it is stuck in her arm and she doesn't have to think about it for months or years.

But the rest of it--nope. Although if she is only borrowing money, and it seldom happens, and she is reliable about paying it back, I'd lend it if it was an amount I could easily lose.

[mschrisgo2]

Wow, this struck a chord with me "...I'd lend it to her if it was an amount I could easily lose." That is exactly where I've gotten to with my daughter, who had 3 children by the time she was 20. She's in her late 30's now, the boys are about to launch, and she's back to being irresponsible with money. Three months ago, I loaned her $300. Yes, I could afford to lose it. Two weeks ago, I loaned her $100. Ditto. Saturday she invited me to have dinner before a movie, she paid for all of it, and paid back the whole $400! I guess what I'm saying is that I let go of the expectations, and she pleasantly surprised me!

[JaneV2.0]

The BF seems to have a rather cavalier relationship with the law; that would be concern for me. But I would think with his pot-growing experience, he could get a legitimate job in what has got to be a (forgive me) growing field.

In general this should be a learning experience (isn't everything?) for both of them. I don't blame your daughter for refusing the promotion; I always refused management jobs too--they're usually far more stressful than they're worth. But she should consider changing fields, more training, etc. because she's clearly not making enough money to sustain herself. She's facing some hard truths.

[ApatheticNoMore]

My thoughts are couldn't they just get a cheaper apartment? I figure I'd do that long before moving in with someone I didn't even get along with (her dad). I've turned down management before as well.

[Zoe Girl]

i realize this is hitting some buttons, and it is mentally becoming a little of my own issue. but as mom who has money to pay (and has paid ) for some college and training i do have a say.

the management thing, great if you are making enough. however the experience in management can help her get a better job somewhere else as well. she has been saying she needs a different job for over a year and nothing has happened, meanwhile they have talked to her about management a couple times and she always says no. i have taken the management route because it was the way to work towards a living wage, that is (fill in bad word here) reality. second jobs which she also has never done are a reality. going to school and not failing is a reality.

i have a feeling i won't hear from her for awhile, i already don't get answers to my calls or texts. the last time she was here i kinda told her off, she complains about her 9 hour shifts and her younger brother often works 11, i work some 10-12 hour shifts. so i told her we were too tired to hear about it, and she said okay but she worked on her feet so it was hard. and of course her job sucks and the people aren't doing things right, and she does not have time for laundry or answering a text because she works 40 hours a week. i just don't think i like her very much right now, and i reacted and told her all that because it is probably the only time i will talk to her in a month. total honest mommy moment

[kib]

"but as mom who has money to pay (and has paid ) for some college and training i do have a say."

. . . I hate to be the bearer of (insert bad word here) reality, but no, you don't, unless she has been deemed unfit by a court and you are her legal guardian. You have the right to withhold future money, but you don't have a say in what happens to money / assistance you've already given out, or the choices she makes about her life, and I think you're going to have to accept that unless you write up legal contracts, the strings you attach to your assistance are only as good as her feeling of duty to uphold her word ... which appears to be something she can manipulate in her mind until it goes away.

You have the right to be angry and disappointed ... and anything else you might feel. Yes, IT SUCKS! It totally sucks, that for all your good intentions and direction and hard work, she's still suffering from her own immaturity and the crap life throws at all of us. It sucks that she's made some bad choices and will probably make some more. It sucks that maybe she's taken advantage of you. It sucks that you don't like her much right now, but that is also totally ok. It's fair that you don't like someone who has treated you this way, but I hope things turn around for you.

ETA: you're right, this does push some buttons for me, because I had a mother who seemed to feel both great resentment and a sort of martyred self righteousness in turning my problems as a young adult into her problems, her shames, her disappointments. It did several bad things to me: it took away my sense of self authority and left me paralyzed. It made me feel guilty and responsible to her, not to myself, about failing - she wouldn't accept imperfection, my standards for my own work were unacceptable and irrelevant, and that made it more important to hide or run away from mistakes than improve them, made loving my life some kind of shameful shortcoming. It exhausted me emotionally to have to reach some consensus of agreement about whatever I did, to make sure Mother approved. It made me so resentful and frustrated, in fact, that I became blind to the gifts she'd given me. It eventually drove me into hiding and lying and, even now, to a very superficial relationship in which I give away nothing about my real life.

I know the situation isn't the same for you, your daughter appears to be asking you to fix her problems, but the tone of responsibility from you somehow triggers those memories for me - so, sorry if I seem overly involved here, I honestly do hope you can soothe your hurts and get some peace in this situation.

[Zoe Girl]

I understand kib, the parent/child relationships bring up a lot of stuff. I am in the middle thinking as a mother and as a daughter. There is a good chunk of an ex-wife in here, and between it all I am just trying to make a reasonably decision of what I want to do with some support instead of judgement, just like my daughter wants and my mother wants.

I worked really hard to parent differently. There was a time my daughter did not go to math class for a month! So I had her go in and talk to the teacher herself, take care of it, and i emailed the teacher so that she could not wiggle through, but she took care of it. The attitude from me as I recall and she expresses was that sometimes people do these things but you need to take care of it. And that is my parenting style. When the relationship between her dad and I, and also between her and her dad, became intolerable I left. I did everything in my power to do it well, but a lot of the way she acts towards me feels like it is a reaction to the extreme criticism from her dad. The shutting down, not talking, and passive aggressive behavior. She can shut down and be totally unreachable. She had counseling and other help for extreme insomnia when she was younger but has refused any support around counseling or medication in the last 5 years.

The hardest was her pregnancy. I kept on being concerned but I told myself she was an adult (22) and managing. She seemed okay in some ways and then I asked about the dad coming to the baby shower, she said she didn't know. Super red flag. I called her best friend and found out he had basically abandoned her months before (she was over 8 months along at that time). I had not judged her pregnancy but I was concerned. So my sister and I sat her down, told her that she had options like adoption or what we could do to support. She chose adoption and I helped her choose the family, we had an adoption ceremony when he was 5 days old and handed him to his parents. I still often think about what would have happened if I had not confronted her with the reality and then been supportive through her options. I had been prepared for the dad to drive her to the hospital and she was not able to tell me anything on her own. When she went back to work her second night back was the mass shooting. She went to a few group counseling sessions with her coworkers and one counseling session through the adoption agency and has had no medical treatment for insomnia or ADD.

I respect your story but mine is very different. I believe there is some functional mental issues that are not getting better with time and her support system does not seem to support (or is just not getting anywhere like me) counseling or medication or other options to deal a little directly.

[JaneV2.0]

Isn't the child support money legally hers? If you turned it over to her, would she sink or swim? That would solve her problems short term, anyway.

[flowerseverywhere]

ZG, What response were you hoping for?

[Songbird]

Zoe Girl, I wanted to offer you some support with no judgement, as parenting is the hardest job in the world in my opinion. And the worry, caring, and concern never end....