living alone

[Polliwog]

I am 70 and I have lived alone for the past 20+ years. Until last year I was working so I didn't mind being alone. Then after retiring last year, I rescued a little female poodle named Pearl. She has been the best companion and I believe we saved each other. I often think about having a human companion but I am so used to doing what I want, when I want, that it always seems like too much work. I am invested in my family and grandchildren, and some dear friends. That seems to be enough. No situation is ever perfect all of the time.

Linda

[creaker]

Someday I might find out what this is like. After my marriage ended in 2009, I lived alone - for 3 whole weeks. Since then I've had one or both of my adult daughters living here. No issues - but sometimes I do wonder what it would be like being on my own.

[Radicchio]

Thanks, Terry, for the suggestion of respite care. I have considered it, but my child is not a good candidate for that and, in fact, probably couldn't tolerate it. My child has organic brain disorder due to a very complicated pregnancy and premature birth. As a result, my child has physical as well as intellectual and emotional/mental problems (including some in the autistic spectrum). These issues require a reliable, predictable daily schedule, and any deviation is met with resistance or, worse, complete meltdown. I have made numerous attempts at having my child spend time with trusted friends or family members, but always with bad consequences Any respite I would get would be negated by the after-effects of having my child decompensate and operate at reduced functioning for a considerable period of time afterward. So I'm just stuck. It is worrisome being so indispensable. I'm concerned how my child would manage if I was no longer around to provide needed care and supervision. I've made as many arrangements as I can to try to provide my child with a safe and stable placement that would provide the least amount of stress possible. in the event of my death. But I know it would be a terrible adjustment for my child. I do have family and friends who would check on my child regularly, but it's still a worry if I dwell on it.

[larknm]

I'm able to be centered enough to write this because DH and our 4 dogs are in the mountains this weekend, so I am here with Cochiti, our African Grey Parrot. I love each member of my family with all my heart, and find it fascinating how different it feels to love each one than it feels to love the others, their personalities and our relationships are so distinct, but still I guiltily love the few weekends when DH and the dogs go to the mountains without me. DH does too. When I lived alone there was a gnawing unfulfilledness, though I did get my psychoanalytic training and practice going in a way I could never have done otherwise. I was in my 40's. Then when DH and I got together there was a lot of conflict. We shared a lot we valued, particularly in both being gay, but in various ways came from very different values and world-views. We worked very hard to get more tolerant and understanding and now we mainly just have fun and love working together for our home and family to be good. It's wonderful now--the best situation of my life. But I know I need more alone-time than I get.

When I was with a woman from my late 20's to early 40's, there was lots of conflict but also lots of working hard on Southern lesbian feminist culture-building group activities, groups we started or started with others. Like anti-racist consciousness-raising, Southern lesbian feminist writing resources, and publishing tape recordings of lesbian feminist publications because the Library of Congress would put other kinds of books on tape but not those because they didn't think people with disabilities should be reading things like that. This was in the 1970's. My partner was/is blind and I learned a lot about how to live creatively with her and my doing these activities together. I learned to read and write Braille (much more in use in those days) and how to do orientation and mobility with people who are blind and partially-sighted. We always were close friends with other Blinks (blind community in-word for people who are blind) and I worked at a job creating an innovative school system in central South Carolina for people with low-incidence handicaps (blind, deaf, and neurologically-impaired--called low incidence because few people in the population have these characteristics). I developed and wrote the section on how to make a good educational environment for students who are blind. Our proposal was granted and became a model throughout the country for others working to comply with the then-new Public Law 94-182 requiring that children with handicaps have easy access to education in the least-restrictive environment. It was great: we found kids out of the woodwork, many having been hidden from even family friends and neighbors all their lives due to stigma. Anyway, all this to say this was in important ways the most creative period of my life. In other ways, my current life is, in my having learned how to make a harmonious home with another person and other animals.

But when I lived alone I was able to train in and begin practicing psychoanalysis, which I don't think I could have done as well living with another person, I took so much focus. But it gave me a much-needed sense of what good human relationships are and how they can be developed. That was a backbone I had when I had a stroke and lost my easy facility with language, so started training in how to work with dogs. And also a good backbone for when I became a Quaker and developed my already-existing struggle for personal and world-wide nonviolence.

So I've done living alone and with others and am definitely happier living with others, but the weekend breaks I get a few times a year are invaluable. Most of my friends now are in other states and countries and there are fewer than I had before. But I am never lonely at home and I need to be in order to consistently want other people present in my life. Being in compromised health now, I can do fewer things with groups but am working now and then with dogs who need help--currently a pueblo dog belonging to friends from a nearby pueblo and with Compassion & Choices to promote freedom for people to choose physician-aided dying.

[SteveinMN]

I'm concerned how my child would manage if I was no longer around to provide needed care and supervision. I've made as many arrangements as I can to try to provide my child with a safe and stable placement that would provide the least amount of stress possible. in the event of my death. But I know it would be a terrible adjustment for my child. I do have family and friends who would check on my child regularly, but it's still a worry if I dwell on it.

I have family members in a very similar situation. The primary caretaker in that instance also refuses respite care for many of the same reasons you mentioned, though I believe the person being cared for is somewhat more accommodating to change.

The caretaker in this case, unfortunately, has not been able to choose future placement, largely out of fear, IMHO. I am the designated guardian once something happens to the caretaker.The problem I see is that, when something does happen to her, the person she is caring for will lose that relationship and his home environment and his routine. He will have to be placed wherever there is a bed, never mind the place's applicability to his particular condition and abilities. It will be quite stressful for him and, again in my view, unnecessarily so. Discussions aimed at making that last life-choice decision have not been successful.

If you have arranged as much as possible to make a smoother transfer possible for your loved one, then you will have done all you can do and you cannot worry about it further. It serves no one for you to expend energy on something you will not be able to change once the time comes. Rest knowing that you have made the best decisions possible for your loved one and enjoy the time you have together.

[Lainey]

larknm, that was a beautiful post. It's fascinating to see how we can adapt to what happens in our lives and at the same time be pro-active and resourceful in getting our needs and desires met. Good for you!

and I'd like to second SteveinMN's post because I have a younger disabled relative who is also dependent on his mom. However, she took steps to have him in an assisted living situation while he was in his 20s, and I think it's been beneficial for all concerned. He still stays with her 2 weekends a month, and she handles all of his medical and financial aid disability paperwork along with taking him to doc appts (which is a 20 hr/week job) but she has her home to herself for 26 days/out of 30. Life is still stressful, but I honestly fear she would have been dead by now if she had been his full time live-in caretaker these past 15 years.

[Radicchio]

I just completed a fairly lengthy response, mostly to SteveinMN but also to Lainey, and then proceeded to click on the wrong button and delete it all. Arghh! Basically, I am grateful for the reminder about endless worry. I try to avoid it, but sometimes when a topic like this comes up I find myself worrying and then reassessing to see what else could be done. My child functions at the level of a young child, so I know that my child would feel completely abandoned if I arranged for out-of-home care when staying with me is still possible. And, frankly, I wouldn't be able to let my child go. If my child were more capable or desired a little more independence, I could likely consent (and even support) an out-of-home placement that would allow that in a safe environment. Thankfully, my child does enjoy following me around as I do tasks around the house or accompanying me on a few errands each day, so we can enjoy each other's company and I treasure that time. A little space would be a welcome relief, but the current situation is best for now and seems to work.

[Teacher Terry]

My SIL ran an home for respite care for severely disabled kids so their parents could get a break & her experience was that after going regularly-staying overnight one weekend/month the kids adjusted pretty well. It is so very hard to be a caregiver 24-7. Hugs to you RAdicchio)

[Radicchio]

Thanks, Terry. It's hard but also has its rewarding moments. Today we went to a park and I was able to watch my adult child be the only one in the children's play, where my child could swing for a full fifteen minutes all alone. If you saw the look on my child's face, you'd think my child was flying! As soon as a few kids and their moms arrived, my child was ready to leave. I wish that my child would be able to adapt as described by the respite caregiver, but I'm grateful we have had some good years of "nearly normal" life with my child, who professionals once predicted would have to be institutionalized to receive adequate care. It's all about dwelling on the positives, not the negatives---which I'm mostly​ able to do.