giving yourself to others

[margene]

I feel like I'm good at giving of my stuff but not myself. I think I dont make people feel good about themselves because I'm withholding. I guess I want to change this.

[razz]

Have thought about this a lot. I need some companionship but need lots of alone time as well. Set boundaries on what you are prepared to give or you will be gobbled up by some who are very needy. Start very slowly and set times for connecting and ending the connection.

I finally had to advise someone that I was withdrawing because I needed some space that she was not willing to give me. Whatever I said, she had a solution of fixing it, whether immediately or the next day. EG, I commented in a phone conversation that when I moved into my new home, I was going with 4 LR chairs and the coffee tables and nothing else for a minimalist look. She argued about the need for a chesterfield including bringing her my LR layout so she could show where I should place it. I informed her that it was my choice and decision. Everything seemed turn into her doing my thinking and deciding about my life. I finally walked away from her. Others have done so as well. First time that has ever happened in my life. Others have told me similar stories.

It starts and ends with you.

[SteveinMN]

I think I dont make people feel good about themselves because I'm withholding. I guess I want to change this.

Take some time to think about why you want to change this. Is it actually important to you that you make people feel good about themselves? Or is that something you think you "should" do? Is there something in it for you in seeing directly the positive reaction in people's faces when you do something? Or is it enough to know that you've done something good for people even if you never see the recipients of your commitment and energy?

As an example, I like to feed people. I like to cook at home. Dinners with a couple of friends? I'm on it. But I'm a Class-A introvert, so interacting with lots of random people at a soup kitchen or such is not really my style. Sorting and packing food at the food bank, though, for people I don't see (or at least don't know that they're receiving food bank items)? I'm still feeding people (which serves me and my ideals) and I can do so without feeling like I'm draining myself by being an extrovert.

[Gardenarian]

Take some time to think about why you want to change this. Is it actually important to you that you make people feel good about themselves? Or is that something you think you "should" do?

I was thinking the same thing. I'm hesitant to put my heart out to people, having been burned in the past (and like Steve, I'm an introvert.) I feel like I do give of myself at my work (I'm a librarian) and through volunteering in various ways.

I try to be a good neighbor without being always on call - it took me while to learn how to set my boundaries. There are some people who will just take and take, and others I simply don't like, but most people are quite nice and sensible. So I'll do occasional potlucks and BBQs, share seeds and plant cuttings - but no group campouts or "girls' night out" sorts of things.