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Thread: Recovering hoarders?

  1. #1
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Recovering hoarders?

    Are there any recovering hoarders who might want to share their story? Any hoarders who have conquered the disorder?

    Words of wisdom are much appreciated. My parents are both hoarders and could easily be on one of those shows.

  2. #2
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    Ok, um, I'm not sure where to start, I wrote some in the other thread, but mostly I think you have to accept that it is a mental illness kind of like alcoholism and you can't makenybody else get better. You can only help when they are ready.

    And ultralight angler, I'm sorry but I cringed a little bit when I read about you and your sister agreeing to donate stuff you were given to keep. Because honesty is really really important. The hoarder has to be honest with themself and other people have to be honest with them. If they catch you lying or tricking them, they won't trust you, the stuff problem actually gets worse, and you can't help them later if they get redy unless you rebuild that trust.

    The book that really helped me was " stuff: compulsive hoarding and the meaning of things". Although, I found it helpful and hopeful, and when I recommended it to my cousin to help her understand her dad - who is the worst hoarder in our family, her response was " I read your book and now I'm scared to death."

    It's hard too because usually by the time the hoarder is ready to change everyone around them has heard it a thousand times and doesn't believe any more. In fact, the hoarder might have been ready to change many times and failed many times, so why will now be different? And maybe it won't. But you have to approach it from an "ok, try again fail better" stance, because anything else makes the problem worse instead of better.

    I'm lucky, because my husband really really loves me. And this poor man who just wants to not have stuff all over the floor actually accepted that he was going to have to start by understanding that it actually made me feel ill to throw out the styrofoam (we can't recycle it here) and we were going to work together to bring as little styrofoam home as we could and he was going to praise me and hug me so I felt better when I threw it away. And I was going to have to accept that the styrofoam was trash and that if I kept it, it didn't make the styrofoam not trash, it made my house the dump.

    Yes, that's crazy. Hoarding is crazy. And that's just one example. You have to reprogram your brain. And now I can throw styrofoam away without external positive reinforcement. (but I really wish I could recycle it)

    I just realized I could keep rambling for pages. What do you want to know?

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    Oh, and serial posting but one of the problems with fighting hoarding is that people give you stuff. Unlike alcoholism, where family, friends, and random strangers very rarely try to hand you a free drink.

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    I realize it was dishonest of my sister and I. But at the time it seemed rather trivial -- a white lie to spare my mom's feelings.

    Now I tell both of my parents this: "Whatever you give me is mine. And since it is my property I will do anything I want with it -- that may mean I sell it or give it away or even throw it away."

    They don't like this and have since stopped giving me anything. I am okay with that. I feel like, while they are unhappy with this, we at least understand each other now.

    Thoughts?

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    Good. I am sure they hate that, but i think it is good for them. And since they are no longer giving you anything, they recognize that you are being honest. That is also good.

    I have a deal with my dd - anything I give her, I am giving her, not mine any more. but some things are on indefinite loan - I want her to have them if she wants them, but before she can get rid of them she has to check with me and her siblings and we have the option to come get them - like my mom's hope chest. These items are few, but if she doesn't accept the terms, she desn't get the thing. Often if I send her home with leftovers she points to the container and asks " do I have to bring this back?". Usually I say "no" and get a big grin for my reward.

    This is the child I traumatized the most with my hoarding and I am so grateful we can talk about it and work together now. We actually had a long talk with her and her boyfriend last weekend explaining that some of the stuff that has been going on with them lately is her reacting to me, not to him, and that I am really sorry and that hopefully he can be patient and just keep pointing out " that's your mom, not me.". We told him some awful stories and were all actually able to laugh.

    My kids and I have talked about my stuff, and they know that while I do not expect them to keep it, I would appreciate it if they would dispose of it as optimally as possible - keeping what they each really want - even if that means one sibling keeps much and others keep less or little. And getting the rest to where it will be most enjoyed or useful if possible. That might mean sold, donated, or even recycled. They said they will,and I guess if this is the one white lie I'll never know - lol!

    Do your parents see any problem at all with their situation?

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    My dad sort of sees it, but he is also resigned to it. I think he'd be more normal if it weren't for my mom. She has the hoarding compulsion very badly. My dad has said to my sister in private: "We either unload this stuff now, or you and your brother do it when we die."

    But my mom really won't budge.

    My dad has tried some trickery to get me to take things. His prized possessions are his guns. He gave me a rifle and said, "if you decide you don't want this just give it back. No harm. No foul."

    So I did give it back to him some months later. Then the next time he came over he gave it back to me and said: "I want you to hold on to this for me. It isn't yours. You don't have to count it as a possession. You just keep it, shoot it when you like. Just leave it in your closet."

    I asked: "When will you want it back?"

    He said: "I don't know."

    LOL

    I was like: "You are basically just giving it to me in every way but calling it mine!"

    So I told him I was giving it to my sis and BIL. They took it and like it. haha

    I do feel like my mom chooses her stuff over my sis and I.

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    I would have just taken the gun back. No harm, no foul.

    Have you told your mom how you feel? How is she choosing he stuff over you two? Can you not visit? Or do you just hate to visit? It sounds like your d isn't actually a hoarder, just a guy living in a hoard.

  8. #8
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    An example is this: When I told mom I was facing possible lay offs at work and that I was considering selling a few things to get a little cash on hand (perhaps my canoe, for instance) she immediately freaked out and said: "Don't sell that .22 revolver we gave you!!!!"

    No "That is horrible! Maybe you'll be spared the lay off. No "Oh, I am sorry son. Maybe you'll be able to get another job with the state."

    Nope, she just didn't want me to sell something she and my dad gave me. Stuff -- that little revolver -- was the first thing that came to her mind.

    She never visited me for the 4.5 years I lived in Alabama or the 2 years I loved in Arizona. Not once. She preferred to stay with her hoard.

    On that fateful day when my sister was helping to clean her house I remember my sis found some pics from back in her her high school days (my sis's not my mom's). My sis was like: "These are my old pics. I am throwing them away along with my 2003 yearbook."

    My mom flipped out because she was sentimental about the old photos of my sister. She was crying and yelling. I remember thinking: "Who cares about keeping these photos you never look at, mom?! If you love my sister so much why don't you just make the 2.5 hour drive on the weekends and visit her?"

    I didn't say that but my mom really could do that! She and my dad have a camper van. They could stay one mile away in the Wal-Mart lot or right in the driveway of my sister's house.

    My sis thinks the same thing, that my dad is not a hoarder but rather a guy who lives in a hoard and has adapted to it. That is possible.

    I am just so impressed that you can admit this about yourself and fight it. I mean it, Chicken lady. That is profound. You know how few people in your position can do that? You must have powerful self-reflection skills. And some serious discipline!

  9. #9
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    I'm enjoying listening to this conversation. I'm very interested in hearing from you chicken lady about a few things. What is the thought process that most commonly ran through your mind that caused the hoarding? What caused you to change?

    I'm so amazed that you changed so much. Most people don't, from what I know.

    My dad is an avid collector of many things. Nice antique things, but great in number. He collects for several years, then slowly sells them often at a profit, while starting new collections of other categories. His house is like a clean, beautiful, eclectic museum. But very crowded on every wall and surface. I don't know if I would categorize it as hoarding exactly. It's more like he's running an antique business in his home. But I'm sure that's a big reason that I'm such a minimalist as an adult.

    It's funny how me and one brother are alike and our other two siblings are collectors.

  10. #10
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    I am a recovering hoarder. That is the first time I've actually written that, but a lot of what I feel is what I see talked about with hoarders. I tend to anthr... heck, I tend to assign human feelings and thoughts to 'things' I gave away some plastic drawers I had used for many years when I left Honduras. I was kinda teary and apologizing to them as I cleaned them off while waiting for the person to come get them, that I was 'abandoning' them down in Honduras. That kind of thing. I've hung around here for, I don't know, 15 years? Since the original board that was just one long listing of posts with no topic separation. About the time She-Ra actually realized she was retired. I followed Fly-Lady for awhile, and that helped some. I got rid of the wedding trinkets (ring pillow, cake knife, etc.) that I'd kept from my wedding almost 20 years before that had ended in divorce 2 years later while following Fly-Lady. I always laughed with envy when Fawn would post her yearly 'thing' count and we'd say I am the 'anti-Fawn' as in mater/anti-mater.

    I have a fraction of what I used to have 20 years ago. But, I still have too much. I once had 2 10x20' storage units besides what I had with me while I was moving. Actually, I've had that much and more, and they were packed full. When I brought all my stuff out here to AZ 2 years ago I just naturally got the biggest truck Budget offered. It was only about 3/4 full. In other moves that would have been about half of my stuff. So, progress.
    Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!
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