Recovering hoarders?

[freshstart]

that's a lot of progress! and kudos for calling yourself a recovered hoarder for the first time

[Chicken lady]

Hi Shadowmoss!

I couldn't move in one full size truck now. But we have a workshop and a pottery studio and a farm... Many big tools and equipment.


Tammy, I still collect things. You would probably call my house crowded. Dh makes rules. For example - we have his grandfather's bar. We both wanted it, but he was concerned about the storage. He agreed to accept it, but the rules were "this is my bar. You may request and drink the booze that is kept in the bar. I will select the glassware that goes in the bar. Nothing will ever be put down on the top of the bar even to change your grip.". I set that in my head and agreed and we got the bar. Sometimes I have to clear off the table so we can eat, but there is never anything on top of the bar. The study is also his. It is very open. I actually have to ask "may I bring my (book, coffee mug, knitting....) into the study?


I don't really anthropomorphism except with a few things like my teddy bear, who has been around since some time before I took him to the hospital with me when I was two. But that is a hoarder trait.


My triggers tend to be connections to people - I can't get rid of this because my kids made it together when they were small, and when I look at it I relive that moment of all of them being little and best friends and so proud of themselves and what if I give it away and I forget?; usefulness - hoarders tend to be very imaginative and creative. we can look at a scrap of trash and think of many ways it could be used/upcycled. We really believe we will find time to do that; and waste - never throw anything away because you might find a way to use it again or somebody might need it or styrofoam recycling might become available and all this will be lost in the landfill. (I am not really that obsessed with styrofoam, it just makes an easy example. I am obsessed with everything.)


I was raised in a family that reinforced all three tendencies. My grandfather was an only child on a subsistence farm in the depression. He worked his way through law school so that he could give us everything. My grandmother was a spoiled princess whose father was a merchant and banker in a small town and she was delighted to help my grandfather shower us with the everything. The hoarding genes came from her, but a lot of the reinforcement came from him. They had two kids. Both of them got the hoarding traits, but in my mother it isn't as bad because she also got an overwhelming sense of empathy and connection to people. She will often call me and say "do you think it's alright if I give ' thing' to 'person' because...". Sometimes I have to suggest that she buy person a new thing because I know she still uses thing a lot. And my father moderates her. My uncle is really bad. He retired. He still owns the office building. He is hiding stuff in the building from my aunt.


My brother and i are both hoarders. My cousin leans toward minimalist. I have a lot of theories about how that happened. I think my brother and I also got enough from my mom that eventually we were able to see how we were effecting our people and want to change. In my brother's case he took the alcoholic approach. He buys nothing. He accepts nothing. All things are purchased and managed by his wife. She chooses his clothing and food. When my grandmother died he refused to help clear out the house. He refused to come back to the house. He gave my sil a list of remembered items from the house that he wanted and she decided what was reasonable and passed the list to my mom.


Ultralightangler, I'm sorry. Your mom is really sick. I don't know if it would help you, but maybe if you think of it like advanced Alzheimer's, where she doesn't remember you, but it isn't her fault. Only I'm sad for you, because I do believe people can recover from this.


Do your parents travel in their camper at all? I don't know if the two things are connected, but I also tend toward hermitage. I leave the house on days I work and a few times a year to travel to visit family. If leave for anything else it's an significant event.


My kid just called to talk about her boyfriend's boxes (his dad died, his mom sold the house, he had one weekend to move his stuff out) and the storage racks he just bought for the basement. I was able to talk her down. We focused on the fact that after two weeks her living room/ kitchen/dining area are almost back to normal and only one significant item was ever put in the main bedroom. He is not me. Normal people put a shelf in the basement and put their Christmas decorations (tree, train, a few boxes of decorations) on it.

[pinkytoe]

I'm not a hoarder but am trying to understand why I am having such a hard time letting go of certain things as we prepare to move. They are mostly sentimental things that belonged to other people like my parents and that I ended up with - furniture, photos, books, etc. They all elicit a memory - mostly bittersweet since my parent's lives were mostly sad. I feel like I am dishonoring them by letting their things go. Anyway, it is a process and I am unraveling the reasons as I proceed. The Marie Kondo (sp)? book is actually pretty helpful in that respect. There is a house around the corner, uninhabited for several years now with weeds grown high and things stacked on the porch. An old dead car in the driveway is covered with dust and filled with debris. The elderly daughter of the original owner comes by every week or so and talks about how she doesn't want to change anything because that was "Daddy's house" (he was a hoarder and I suspect she is too). The nieghbors are complicit by not turning her into code compliance so it endures. Humans are strange creatures.

[pinkytoe]

The more I ponder this question the more I realize that our stuff is like anchors that keep us from floating away into the great unknown. In that respect, the more we hoard the greater our feeling of being moored. Armchair psychology.

[catherine]

I'm not a hoarder but am trying to understand why I am having such a hard time letting go of certain things as we prepare to move. They are mostly sentimental things that belonged to other people like my parents and that I ended up with - furniture, photos, books, etc. They all elicit a memory - mostly bittersweet since my parent's lives were mostly sad. I feel like I am dishonoring them by letting their things go.

I identify a lot with what you said. If I were to downsize, my biggest problem would be getting rid of sentimental stuff. I have this weird thing that people shouldn't be allowed to evaporate from memories, and so their "things" help keep them grounded to the people to whom they once made a difference. For this reason, one of my hobbies is Ancestry.com and I'm completely obsessed with not just dates, but with all the stories I can find and string together about my ancestors, to keep them alive, so to speak.

I agree that Marie Kondo is helpful--and I've heard of useful ways to deal with this "disorder" -- like taking pictures of stuff and then letting them go.

Interestingly, I'm not at all into tombstones and cemeteries. Maybe I should be--that's the most appropriate repository for remembering the dead--not all the junk of theirs that we wind up tripping over.

[Chicken lady]

I don't know Catherine, I was 10 when we buried my great grandfather. I'm sure I could ask my mom where that was, but I don't remember. I can't imagine standing by a gravestone being an appropriate way to honor nd remember him. But when I use his scythe - on which he moved the grip to accomodate his swing, I know that even though he is tall in my memory, I am now the same height. And when I use his clay tools or run my hands over a piece of his work, I think about him taking time to feed his soul on a winter evening after a long day of work - because I understand that even in the winter there is a lot of work on a farm. And these things make me respect and honor him and feel that he is a part of me.

[catherine]

I don't know Catherine, I was 10 when we buried my great grandfather. I'm sure I could ask my mom where that was, but I don't remember. I can't imagine standing by a gravestone being an appropriate way to honor nd remember him. But when I use his scythe - on which he moved the grip to accomodate his swing, I know that even though he is tall in my memory, I am now the same height. And when I use his clay tools or run my hands over a piece of his work, I think about him taking time to feed his soul on a winter evening after a long day of work - because I understand that even in the winter there is a lot of work on a farm. And these things make me respect and honor him and feel that he is a part of me.

Well said, Chicken lady. The best times of my life were spent with my great-aunt in her beach cottage. She taught me how to sew. I used to say that if I died and wound up in Madison (where her cottage was), I would know I'd made it to heaven. So, I have her old portable Singer (circa 1920) that I use as a bookend. I have her desk in my living room, her hurricane lamp in my bedroom. They do help me to remember her every day.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I remember the dead by often returning to the past in memory, so vividly I can sense every detail, almost as if it could be today and not long ago. I'm not sure it's really a better way though.

[ToomuchStuff]

My dad sort of sees it, but he is also resigned to it. I think he'd be more normal if it weren't for my mom. She has the hoarding compulsion very badly. My dad has said to my sister in private: "We either unload this stuff now, or you and your brother do it when we die."
I do feel like my mom chooses her stuff over my sis and I.

Some of us connect with stuff more then people, myself included. My mom is making my dad get rid of stuff now, so we won't have to later.

Oh, and serial posting but one of the problems with fighting hoarding is that people give you stuff. Unlike alcoholism, where family, friends, and random strangers very rarely try to hand you a free drink.

So many alcoholics, will give an alcoholic a drink in my experience. Hoarders are more likely to try to pass junk on to the kids/grandkids (inlaw's parents), also IMHE.

I'm not a hoarder but am trying to understand why I am having such a hard time letting go of certain things as we prepare to move. They are mostly sentimental things that belonged to other people like my parents and that I ended up with - furniture, photos, books, etc. They all elicit a memory - mostly bittersweet since my parent's lives were mostly sad. I feel like I am dishonoring them by letting their things go. Anyway, it is a process and I am unraveling the reasons as I proceed. The Marie Kondo (sp)? book is actually pretty helpful in that respect. There is a house around the corner, uninhabited for several years now with weeds grown high and things stacked on the porch. An old dead car in the driveway is covered with dust and filled with debris. The elderly daughter of the original owner comes by every week or so and talks about how she doesn't want to change anything because that was "Daddy's house" (he was a hoarder and I suspect she is too). The nieghbors are complicit by not turning her into code compliance so it endures. Humans are strange creatures.

Sentiment is always bittersweet, as you have a good memory, mixed with the loss. If something is associated with a bad memory, then it tend to be easier to get rid of (it isn't an always thing, but more often then not, IMHE). There is a difference between reliving the past and remembering the past so things don't repeat. I think hoarding goes more towards the first part of that and switching that train of thought can help.
I first wrote "then they tend to" rather then "then IT tends to", and I think that goes towards our/humans tendency's to humanize things (and we get exposed to that in writings/books). I am more and more feeling like that is a disservice, unless your an author.

But UltraliteAngler, has been posting about the other extreme, extreme minimalism. Where simple living to me, is more about right sizing. Finding ones balance so it doesn't interfere with a sense of purpose. That is what I am working on, along with trying to be more comfortable around people.

[libby]

I am struggling with understanding my hoarding MIL. One thing she hoards is empty cardboard boxes. Her garage is packed right full of them. What could possibly be the reason for keeping a garage full of empty boxes?? I don't get it...