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Thread: Should I "downsize" my old friend...?

  1. #11
    Senior Member kib's Avatar
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    Ok I'm going to take back my advice. There's rude, and then there's dangerous. I don't think F--- you is necessary, maybe more like "Hey dude, gotta go now. Gotta go now. Gotta go now." You can always tell the family, rightly so, that his attitude about race is causing you personal issues.

  2. #12
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    UA, your compassion is laudable, but this person has made many choices over the years which have drawn him away from you and which now leave him in a position in which no one person is likely to be able to help. Given his past history, the dysfunction in his family and friends, and your current situation, I'd just let go. If you're of a mind to do so, maybe say a prayer to your Higher Power that he gets the help he needs.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  3. #13
    Senior Member Williamsmith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler View Post
    When we talk on the phone or on the rare occasion in person here really does not ask about me otr my life.

    He has not come to visit me in over a decade.

    His gun-nut issues are particularly troubling. He pointed a gun at my ex-wife and at me ("just messin' around"). But I about lost my F---ing cool once the gun was put away! I treat any gun as if it were loaded and mind all gun safety rules. So now I stay the heck away from him if he has a gun on him, which is most of the time because he easily got and keeps a CCW permit. This, though off topic, is a BIG reason that I support gun control of a certain type -- like mental health testing before being allowed to own guns and substance abuse testing too. Mental illness and/or substance abuse plus guns equals tragedy waiting to happen.
    A lot of what you said here is true although I would not call him a gun nut. He is a nut with a gun. You realize this and should do everything legally possible to relieve him of his access to guns. If you do nothing then you may be a victim of his reckless treatment of firearms or worse......someone else might be injured or killed as a result of his behavior which in retrospect you will regret your inaction. It's a tough spot. But I would relate it to knowing a person is an abuser an enabling that person to continue abusive behavior just by your silence. Provided all the facts you have laid out are accurate......this guy is a ticking time bomb. If you had reported the gun incident and he had been convicted.......he would not be able to get a concealed carry permit nor probably never be able to own firearms again. Effective laws are already on the books. No new ones needed.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Williamsmith View Post
    You realize this and should do everything legally possible to relieve him of his access to guns. If you do nothing then you may be a victim of his reckless treatment of firearms or worse......someone else might be injured or killed as a result of his behavior which in retrospect you will regret your inaction. .
    ITA with this, he has become a public safety issue. If you take whatever steps are necessary to have his guns taken away, is it anonymous? I would not hesitate then. If he finds out it was you, IDK which is worse, you are now a giant target and he is mentally ill vs trying to protect others.

    As for friendship, you live nowhere near each other, right? Like you won't be running into him at the grocery? I would drop him like a hot potato over the racist and other issues, knowing me I would send one last email explaining why his POV on so many things is offensive. And then nothing. Sending the email is probably not a great idea, I just know I would have to give my reasons and have my view "heard". As ex-BF became more of a bigot, homophobe, "jokingly" racist, far, far right wing and the gun stuff, he had become someone I no longer even liked. It was gradual for years, like I wasn't even sure that what I was hearing was just me be overly sensitive. Then it snowballed, we had very few shared values left and the unshared ones were values I would not accept in a friend, never mind a partner. Ended it over phone and then I wrote the email outlining his disgusting belief system and that I was so appalled, we could not even end as friends. I am 100% certain this email meant nothing to him, so sure is he that he is "always right" but it made me feel better. In hindsight, I should've sent it to myself, if he couldn't concede that "porch monkey" is right up there with really offensive racist shit, he was beyond help and probably laughed at my email.

    If the liver thing gets bad and he's dying, I would send a card to him and his parents. If he's gonna make it, try to get rid of those guns somehow and don't contact him ever again (or send the email and then done. Probably do not send email, that's just me, probably a girl thing, lol.) If he contacts you, say what you've said on here, basically you can get by with, "you pointed a gun at me and you're a racist F***, do not call me."

    good luck!

  5. #15
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    I would not send an email or officially let him know it's over. I would fade away in silence.

    If you tell him you're fading it's more dangerous. If you disappear he will be distracted by someone else whom he thinks he can take advantage of.

    I would never be in his physical presence again.

  6. #16
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    You say he is MENTALLY ILL AND HAS A GUN. You say he was fired from his job, in part due to gun issues. HAVE YOU REPORTED IT??????
    Remember the shooting in Colorado at the theater? What responsibility is it of those around them to report safety issues? Should you be charged if he killed somebody? If they could prove you knew and didn't make a report, would you be prepared for a personal lawsuit?
    That in of itself, would be enough to cut ties (did so with a LEO friend, whose Judge father once helped me (at the lowest point in my life on another matter), after he pointed a gun, drunk, at another friend).
    You will feel bad, or you can feel miserable being around them, why they spew negativity. (have another person like that we know. He never gets arrested due to his family, even though they wish it. Basically there would be political and newsworthy fallout)

    I've dealt with a lot of negativity. I've been at gunpoint four or five times now (loosing track), and had a knife to my throat. Sometimes you have to remember to let those around you fall, so they can find the bottom and rise again.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    UA, your compassion is laudable, but this person has made many choices over the years which have drawn him away from you and which now leave him in a position in which no one person is likely to be able to help. Given his past history, the dysfunction in his family and friends, and your current situation, I'd just let go. If you're of a mind to do so, maybe say a prayer to your Higher Power that he gets the help he needs.
    The only higher power I believe in is The State. And at this point I think they might be stepping in soon...

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    I would not send an email or officially let him know it's over. I would fade away in silence.

    If you tell him you're fading it's more dangerous. If you disappear he will be distracted by someone else whom he thinks he can take advantage of.

    I would never be in his physical presence again.
    This makes a lot of sense.

  9. #19
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    I'm changing my answer and going with TooMuchStuff. My only concern is if you are likely the only person in his orbit that he thinks would report him, is he gonna come after you in a drunken, revengeful, violent rage? If so, could you get a restraining order? I think they are harder to get when it's not family or partner related and if the pointing the gun at you happened a while ago, wasn't reported, it may be tough to get one. But, I do agree, he sounds like a risk to others and someone needs to speak up.

  10. #20
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    Sometimes the issuing of a restraining order only inflames the person more.

    No easy answers.

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