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Thread: Why does having a peaceful life feel strange?

  1. #11
    Senior Member sylvia's Avatar
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  2. #12
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    I like my life to be simple and my relationships and situations to be calm.

    i like my drama to be at the end of a computer or TV screen. I do likes dramas, just not in my household or sphere of influence.

  3. #13
    Senior Member sylvia's Avatar
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    I feel the same way Iris what a waste of energy living like that. I have other family members that live like that everyday sort of a Jerry Springer episode.

  4. #14
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    It does take an adjustment, I know that when I was first divorced and some of the things that had always been crisis started to settle that it was a strange feeling. Things like going to the grocery store and realizing I didn't have to have an extensive reasoning behind every item I bought in case I was interrogated later. Then I just stood there in calm and also completely lost on how to shop! I had gotten hooked a little in the stress and drama, but also a big part of it was that the quiet had always been scarier than the blow ups. The longer the quiet and calm went the bigger the blow up. So I learned to not trust calm for a long time. Took many years of practice (I meditate) to work with that.

  5. #15
    Senior Member sylvia's Avatar
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    Dear Zoe no one should have to live like that in fear and have to explain themselves. So there must be different kinds of calm and Peace. Fake calm I remember the fake joy then the blow ups I can relate. We do take that with us sometimes, I had blow ups and meltdowns, but now after 40 and I am enjoying being 40! There is no one to answer to I have a wonderful DH , but I am working on my end of staying peaceful and not reactionary.

  6. #16
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    Once you're out of crisis mode, you're stuck with figuring out what should come next. And if you've always lived in crisis mode, you often don't have a clue - it can be daunting, difficult and scary to all of a sudden have control of your life. Enough so that many people will continually create crisis to avoid going there.

    After my divorce I created nice, safe, quiet zone around my life, and it's so much better than the chaos that preceded it. Now I'm in a place I was never in before - I need to push myself out of my comfort zone if I'm going to grow. And it feels really odd.

  7. #17
    Senior Member sylvia's Avatar
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    so true creaker, crisis mode went on when my sons were younger with one who had many disabilities, me who was losing my hearing. Now things are steady like homestasis and love having a nice safe quiet zone, well until my baby starts crawling then walking we will have toddler chaos.Having less stuff to deal with or distractions will make the journey lighter.

  8. #18
    Senior Member jp1's Avatar
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    I've never lived n chaos and drama and can't imagine putting up with it for more than a week or two. I had a couple of friends in college who seemed to constantly be having chaos and drama in their lives. Eventually I figured out that I needed to keep some distance. Both were nice people but I just was exhausted if I spent too much time around them. After I graduated I lost contact. A couple of years ago one found me on Facebook. Her life hasn't changed. Just as much drama and chaos as 30 years ago. I eventually had to unfollow her posts because even just reading about her life wore me out.

    Another friend, more recently, believed that if there wasn't drama (read arguing and fighting) in a relationship then it meant that you weren't really in love. One day SO came home with a t-shirt that said "it's not love until there's a restraining order." And I realized that my friend wouldn't get the joke since he'd just agree with it. Personally I just can't imagine living like that. I'd rather spend the rest of my life in a cave and never see another person if that was my only other choice.

  9. #19
    Williamsmith
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    Sylvia if you have two teens and an infant and you have found peace. Please enjoy it now. I cannot imagine having three other young lives around without some chaos. I have three adult kids and their lives are still causing me turmoil. It seems they take turns interrupting my peace that I Have created. What with divorces, weddings, surprise pregnancies, job challenges, fInancial needs, boyfriends and girlfriends, luxury spending, and all the conflicts involved in their lives being dragged into mine.........keep on trUckin girl.

  10. #20
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    As I read about all of the poor parenting on this thread, I have to say that I've seen times when children try to "manage" their parents and their affairs according to how they "should" be.

    I say, let go of your expectations. I am not talking about alcoholic parents and parents with severe hoarding problems because I think it's entirely reasonable for kids to have a desire for their parents to choose their children over their addiction.that is sad, but true.

    I mean, let your fairly normal parents be who they are--BUT certainly limit your own resources going to those parents. Limit your help (money, time) and draw a boundary as to how much of your own life energy and resources will go into "helping" the elderly parents.

    Someone in this or another thread used the term"cold shoulder." See, to me that's just a term that the elderly parents will use. I would think of this situation as "I don't have money to come and help you/I don't have time off work to come and help you" and the reality for me which would be "I don't have interest in helping you." Yep, I get to do what interests me in life, it's my life.

    I observed this in my own family when my 75 year old mother was plaiying shenanigans with her 79 year old boyfriend. I kept distance from the craziness because she was in no danger physically or financially. So, why NOT let her storm around slamming down the phone when he calls and throwing his stuff back on his doorstep and etc etc. But my brother and sister in law seemed to feel the need to get involved in all that. There was no logical reason why, but I suspect my SIL, child of an alcoholic, just could not let the drama go without inserting herself into it.

    It was a similar thing when they helped my mother move out of her Texas winter place. Rather than taking the easy way out, taking all of her stuff ( which wasn't that much) and donating it to the second hand store in Rockport, they had to rent a trailer and load it up, haul it to Iowa, and then sell each piece. This was entirely on them. For me this would have been a 3 day event, for them it took 1 week.

    During that event there was some story about my mother throwing herself on the floor and having a literal temper tantrum but it wasn't about her "stuff" she would have been fine jettisoning it, I really do not remember what the tantrum was about. See, I just let that stuff go. This semi crazy behavior from our mother was tied in to her growing Alzheimer's symptoms but was exacerbated by her son and DIL "managing" parts of her life they didn't need to manage.

    So from my perspective, a fair number of actions taken by children of the elderly are unnecessary, and sometimes escalate the situation.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 11-29-15 at 1:45pm.

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