my daughter said she is not coming to Christmas

[JaneV2.0]

I feel sorry for the animals who didn't ask to be brought into such chaos. She is an adult, so can make her own choices, and it sounds like she finally came up with a satisfactory compromise.

[ejchase]

I think it's a testament to your restraint (not addressing all the other issues in her texts, sticking to the issues that you thought were relevant) and her ultimate love and appreciation for you that she is going to come. Bravo to both of you.

I'd say the measure of a family's health is not whether these disagreements happen or not but how people handle and recover from them. We are all human, and we all have our bad moments.

Hang in there and try to have a fun day.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you ej, I was trying to feel good about how it went so this helps.

I did get the dog a present, and I would dog-site except I am trying to not be judgemental of the cleanliness of her house. I raised her so I know I would show up with gloves, cleaning supplies and trash bags. Probably better to stay over here if I am going to be nice

[Karma]

If you only see her a few times a year she is taking care of herself. The dog is not the issue just an excuse.

[Williamsmith]

I see the dog as a factor that complicates the mother / daughter relationship but truly the approach is the same. Stand by your convictions on what is right or wrong.

The litmus test on independence is of course does she need to be supported financially even though she has established a separate living arrangement.

Need to be / and you choosing to ....are two different things but it affects your relationship because the more supportive you are financially the more invested and the more you feel authorized to lean on her for change.

As long as you realize these things come about on a daily basis and creep into relationships, then you'll understand more the other position usually doesn't develop out of disrespect but immaturity or simply being tossed off balance by frequent changes in the normal interaction between mom and daughter.

I got an unusual hug and heartfelt thank you from my oldest son who has gone through hell recently with a divorce, a move, child custody issues, unfounded accusations and financial challenges. When a father and son can let go of their inhibitions long enough to embrace and shed a tear or two..... well it's a sign you can work together to make life what it was meant to be.

I wish that for the OP.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you, She did come and her BF stayed with the dog. It was a nice time but so crowded with all of us that I had to put the cats locked away. Sometimes I really miss my big house I lost in foreclosure, I would have loved to have the dog over and even people spending the night but the downside of a really simple small place is that I can't do those things. So it brings up my crap around not being able to do for my kids what I would like to. And I know the dynamic of needing help since I have needed help from my parents over the years, not always a good feeling.

I felt bad for her, her excema is horrible around her eyes and she was very tired. She worked early in the morning and stayed up late (we set the time based on her BF's work schedule originally). But it was good, and I saw a video that week of the vacuum I gave them and how the dog liked it (not). They were able to bring the dog to dad's on Christmas day. And I think she liked all the presents, no ongoing drama over the dog,

[larknm]

Separation is difficult on both sides, but is inevitable one way or another. I personally don't believe adult children are obligated to spend holidays at their parents, particularly if it's to make the holidays work for the parents. And I don't believe parents or anyone else are obligated to invite anyone else's dog. Maybe too much guilt tripping on both sides of this, and that both sides would be happier if more independent of the other.

As an old woman told me once, people do not love people who make them feel guilty. I too think this is not about the dog but about who gets to make the rules in negotiating an adult-adult relationship.

[Zoe Girl]

larknm, I am not sure I understand the obligation part of this. I don't feel like we guilted each other, we just had a hard time working this one out. Actually all my kids and I talked about the plans well ahead of time to make sure we accomodated all the differing work schedules. We planned this to make it possible for her and her boyfriend.

I guess I don't see this as setting rules, I think I have raised my kids a bit different than that. My mom was making rules for me up until I was 40 I think, and I was fighting them all that time I think . I just had a funny flashback about some of the rules I had growing up, what clothes I could wear and what hairstyle I was allowed. It seems funny now. I have a long history of having family meetings and working things out with my kids, I have also had people misinterpret family meetings in a negative way. We used them very positively, to work out schedules, plan meals and bring up issues if we had them. But I do not set rules for things that do not need rules,

[larknm]

I apologize. I don't know your situation well enough to make such assumptions. Thanks for letting me know.

[Zoe Girl]

No problem larknm, I like to think I am okay at communication but even in the best of cases it sometimes falls apart. I often find that talking here gives me another perspective. So I think that it still helps me to remember that when mom says something it can sound like a rule just because I am mom,