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Thread: Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now

  1. #1
    Senior Member Stacy's Avatar
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    Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now

    Hi everyone! I haven't posted for a few months because I haven't had much to contribute, but I have stopped by every once in awhile to read up on what everyone else is up to.

    So, I've had quite an upheaval in my life lately. My husband decided to leave me during the holidays with no discussion at all, and without packing his stuff or anything. Every few days, he shows up to pack a few clothes and that's it. I'm not really sure where he's staying or what he's doing, but I am sure that he lost his job a few weeks ago because I started opening his mail and found his final paycheck stub (zero dollars after deductions and garnishments). The lack of communication is nothing new. It was one of the main things that strained our marriage. That, and his drinking problem. I'm sad about the whole situation, but it was a long time coming. I'm actually feeling relieved that I don't have to deal with his drama on a daily basis anymore.

    But I'm left to worry about several things:
    My son will be moving into a residence hall on his university campus. We can't afford to stay in this duplex on my paycheck, but I will need to find an apartment big enough to accommodate him when he's home for summer break.
    I'll need to pay the rent here until my lease is up in August, and still have money to pay a deposit on an apartment in the summer.
    I'll have to find a higher-paying job. Or any job really, because the seasonal job I'm working at now ends January 22.
    I'm worried about having the strength to move both my son's stuff and my own stuff (with my son's help) when the time comes. We live far away from family and I don't know anybody around here well enough to ask them to help.
    I have a ton of cleaning and decluttering to do in the next few months, while working full-time. A lot of items are suitable for selling rather than giving away, but that's a big hassle in itself.
    At some point, filing for divorce. I can't afford that yet.
    And anything I haven't thought of yet.

    If anyone has been in a similar situation, some advice would be appreciated!

    Stacy

  2. #2
    Senior Member SiouzQ.'s Avatar
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    I am so sorry you are going through this, that's very tough. I just got off work and am very tired and scattered, so I don't have any advice to offer right at the moment but I wanted to let you know I read your post and hope others can chime in with help and moral support. Hang in there and hopefully things will unfold in some sort of fashion so you can get done what needs to be done. Bless you and take care of yourself during this difficult time, okay?

  3. #3
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    Stacy I'm sorry you're having this trouble. Hugs to you.

  4. #4
    rodeosweetheart
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    Stacy, like Siouz, I just want to say I hear you and am here for you, and I probably need to mull over the situation and see what occurs to me.

    One thought it I would try to put aside worry about the future and moving your son's stuff; if he is in college he can come home and help, and maybe has high school friends who can help. I know my kids were a lot stronger than I was by that point!

    Some of the recovery groups like Al Anon, and there is an online version, with chat rooms, can be good places to hang when you want both support and ideas from folks who have lived through similar.

    Please take good care, and hang in, as getting rid of a drinking, non-recovering alcoholic is hard to do,and a blessing if they just leave, although it does not feel like that now, I'm sure.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Oh but you do have to deal with his daily drama. As soon as you wrap your mind around that the better off you are going to be. I know you aren't flush but the first thing you need to do is get an attorney. You have no idea what shape your finances are really in. Check you bank balances ASAP. Take if from somebody who learned the hard way back in marriage number #1. Just because he isn't working doesn't mean he isn't spending and accruing debt that will have your name attached to it.
    I figure it never hurts to ask, the worse anybody can say is no. Ask your current property manager if there is any way you can get out of your current lease. Even if there is a penalty it might be cheaper than paying rent until August.
    Anything that you have in your place right now that is of value and important to you, do not leave it where it can be taken and sold. Do not be complacent in this. I know you are in shock. He has had a lot of time to think about this and you have not. You must protect yourself.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Stacy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rodeosweetheart View Post
    One thought it I would try to put aside worry about the future and moving your son's stuff; if he is in college he can come home and help, and maybe has high school friends who can help. I know my kids were a lot stronger than I was by that point!

    Some of the recovery groups like Al Anon, and there is an online version, with chat rooms, can be good places to hang when you want both support and ideas from folks who have lived through similar.

    Please take good care, and hang in, as getting rid of a drinking, non-recovering alcoholic is hard to do,and a blessing if they just leave, although it does not feel like that now, I'm sure.
    I'm trying to convince my son to only move the essentials into the dorm. He's got a huge gaming computer and game systems (all paid for with his money), and a few bookcases full of books, but he doesn't need to bring it all. He can come home to visit his games at any time. During the time that I move, I can recruit my brother and his teenage kids to help. It will be a lot of work, but we can do it. I just know that I'm not in any kind of shape to move heavy things up and down stairs.

    I agree that finding a group would be a good idea. I've gotten pretty isolated.

  7. #7
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Hugs along with the wise advice others have already given.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Stacy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simplemind View Post
    Oh but you do have to deal with his daily drama. As soon as you wrap your mind around that the better off you are going to be. I know you aren't flush but the first thing you need to do is get an attorney. You have no idea what shape your finances are really in. Check you bank balances ASAP. Take if from somebody who learned the hard way back in marriage number #1. Just because he isn't working doesn't mean he isn't spending and accruing debt that will have your name attached to it.
    I figure it never hurts to ask, the worse anybody can say is no. Ask your current property manager if there is any way you can get out of your current lease. Even if there is a penalty it might be cheaper than paying rent until August.
    Anything that you have in your place right now that is of value and important to you, do not leave it where it can be taken and sold. Do not be complacent in this. I know you are in shock. He has had a lot of time to think about this and you have not. You must protect yourself.
    I mean that I'm glad that I don't have to see him every day. It's like a breath of fresh air. I do need to take care of some things. Changing my bank account number would be a good idea, because he probably has that information on his online accounts. I was the one in charge of make sure the bills were paid, after all.

    Good point on asking my property manager if I can get out of the lease early. Even a couple of months would help. I am going to stick around for a few months, anyway, because this is a college town, and loads of apartments become available in June. I'd have my pick of affordable housing, instead of the sparse offerings that are available now.

    I actually wish my husband would take most of the stuff here, because I've been wanting to be free of this clutter anyway. There are things that obviously belong to myself or my son, and those are the things I want to protect, but he can have the rest. I don't think he wants it either, though. So I'm going to have to deal with selling/giving away things.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Stacy's Avatar
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    Thanks for the help you've given so far, everyone.

  10. #10
    rodeosweetheart
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    If you have not done so already, make sure to open a bank account in your name only at a different bank and deposit at least half of the money in your joint account into the separate account.
    If you have direct deposit, make sure that you change it so that your paycheck is deposited in the account with your name only.

    I would get copies of all the tax returns for past several years. I would close out joint bank accounts. I would close any joint credit card accounts.

    Personally, I would go to an attorney and file for a divorce on grounds of desertion.
    I would also be aware that he might sober up and try to come back "home," and I would not let him do that. Those are just what I would do, thinking back to my first marriage and my divorce.

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