KIDS SUPPORTING PARENTS

[ToomuchStuff]

Being I am not over there and there is no link, it is hard to have a discussion about what others are discussing.
I don't think it is a one size fits all answer though, and from what I am reading here, none of us do. I know of circumstances where the parents raised more then 6 kids, so they do save and know how to scrimp, but they can and have outlived their money. I know of medical circumstances, that have brought the kids in to help (short term or terminal thing). In one of those cases, the parents divorced to protect them separately. (there were other issues which could have been affected by the medical and brought about legal issues)
I also know a couple, that the parents divorced at some point and the remarried mom and stepdad, are both still working at 80. But they also kept believing that the housing market will always go up, and would move up in house and finally lost their house. (she is in real estate and tried to get me to move up when I paid mine off) She said she was proud of me for not moving, as they moved in with her kid for a couple of years, and now have moved into an apartment, due to her daughter having medical issues of her own (and effectively losing her house to pay medical expenses).
Addiction issues aside (think some have some sort of medical component to addiction that may not pass to the next generation, know an example), if one is bad with money, then the kids already have a strike against them, and may not be in a position to help (but still wouldn't be responsible enough to say they couldn't). Then you will have the ones that try the guilt factor.

[awakenedsoul]

On the MMM website there have been many discussions of kids having to support partially their parents because the parents were not responsible with money, etc. In most cases I find it shocking that the parents would take the $ instead of doing whatever was necessary to support themselves. I know there are always exceptions but it appears that many kids are helping their parents. What does everyone think about this?

I think it's partly cultural, and partly generational. In some cultures it is expected that the children will support the parents. It's also common in poor families. Not everyone is taught to live beneath their means, or to save for retirement. My ex boyfriend's mother was in poor health, in her sixties, and she had no money. She received social security, but it wasn't enough to pay her bills. She had stayed home with him after working as a nurse. It was a strain for him to help her, but he felt like he had no choice. He contributed to her rent, groceries, and assisted her in many ways. As an only child, it was very hard on him. It also affected our finances as a couple.

I am fortunate that my father planned well for retirement. He was raised that way, and has always been very frugal. It takes a lot of discipline. Many people have children that are unplanned. That can be very expensive. In my career, I would not have been able to afford to support children. I made a conscious choice not to have them. Even Dave Ramsey tells couples to have children first, and then figure out how to pay for everything later...provided they are on a plan to get out of debt.

With all of the people drowning in debt, I can see how this is happening. It's sad. It's such a burden for the adult children. I haven't seen the thread, though.

[Teacher Terry]

The parents are baby boomers and the kids are giving them usually between 300-500/month. One is giving 800/month. Most are paying some of their parents bills because the parents waste their $ . My grandparents took in the FIL when old because there was no SS and at 70 he got too old to work. When my Grandpa died his pension died with him (no survivor options to choose from) so my parents got my Grandma in a very nice senior apartment based on income but they still had to help with meds, etc just because her SS was so tiny. 2 of the 3 siblings helped but she only needed small amounts. My Mom after my Dad died got a much reduced pension and SS but she lived on it and would not take $ from any of us kids. Sometimes we would take her on a trip and pay and that she would take. I would cut my discretionary expenses if I had too but would never take $ from my kids. I think there is a difference between helping people in dire situations and giving parents $ because they aren't good with their own.

[rodeosweetheart]

My in-laws tried to get my husband to pay a thousand dollars a month (he is one of 7 kids) to keep my fil in a nursing home when his wife (husband's stepmother) announced that they were "broke", even though his pension was still coming and was more than what my husband makes a month. I said if he went along with that, we would be getting divorced. They had traveled constantly, golfed, remodeled their house extensively, and in general lived at a much higher level than we do. When my fil died, my step-mother-in law took three of four months at a spiritual retreat center, retreating. She is still young enough to get a job (she is much younger than her husband) but is now living on insurance payout, I guess.

She has been in much better health than I for the last 15 years, but would not work. They also made more money than we did. A weird situation, most distressing.

[Teacher Terry]

RS: some people have no shame.

[jp1]

My in-laws tried to get my husband to pay a thousand dollars a month (he is one of 7 kids) to keep my fil in a nursing home when his wife (husband's stepmother) announced that they were "broke", even though his pension was still coming and was more than what my husband makes a month. I said if he went along with that, we would be getting divorced. They had traveled constantly, golfed, remodeled their house extensively, and in general lived at a much higher level than we do. When my fil died, my step-mother-in law took three of four months at a spiritual retreat center, retreating. She is still young enough to get a job (she is much younger than her husband) but is now living on insurance payout, I guess.

She has been in much better health than I for the last 15 years, but would not work. They also made more money than we did. A weird situation, most distressing.

What an appalling story. But some people have no shame when it comes to money. My grandmother had been blind from diabetes from the time my mother was in high school in the '40s. My grandparents retired around 1960, sold their farm, moved to town and my uncle moved into the basement apartment. (he was the youngest of 8 and in his early 20's) Grandpa died shortly after they moved into the house. Uncle proceeded to get married, have two kids, and continued to live in the basement with his family, all of whom helped take care of his blind mother for the next 15 years before she passed away in the mid-70s. After she died my mom and 3 of her siblings each gave Uncle their 1/8 of the house to thank him for all he had done over the years caring for their mother. The other 3 insisted that he take out a loan and buy out their part of the inheritance (a house that in today's dollars was worth maybe $100,000). I didn't hear this story until the late '90s. After mom told it she asked me to guess who the 3 siblings were that had insisted on being bought out. I immediately knew because this had caused a permanent split in the family. The four who had given Uncle their share of the house, plus uncle, were all incredibly close. The other three, not nearly so much.

[Teacher Terry]

Sounds like he earned that $ and the others should have given him their share. Very sad.