Lost a Friend

[Cypress]

I managed to make a friend via FB. Geerti is in Germany and I am in USA. We shared conversations often, not everyday but once to several times a week. When I took my trip to Italy last year, she went along in a virtually supportive way asking me to check in, where was I, etc. I had a great internet connection all over Sicily so I kept in touch with people while I was traveling. She sent me a hidden money pouch and was supportive in every way. We talked about many topics and over the years, I sent a card or two each year.

She became quite ill and had a major surgery for the back due to a fracture and is struggling with all kinds of back pain. The problems stem from inactivity and age. She is in her 70s. As it is a internet friendship, I realized something was up when she disappeared from communications. A mutual friend helped us make a connection and we chatted often via Whatsapp. Well, I sent her a gift once she got back home and that's where the problem started. I got her a coloring book, pencils, chocolate bar and some stones meant to aid in bones protection from a new age shop. When she got the package, she showed me photos, colored a picture and seemed to enjoy the surprise. A day or two later, she saw the postage and started to chastise me for costs, why did I sent this, I don't really want it, it was too much, save your money, on and on pretty much saying she would be happier had I not sent it. I understand and don't It felt too strong and quite rejecting. I said I was shocked and hurt at the reaction. It was meant in complete kindness and I enjoyed sending it. She kept at it saying no, I don't want gifts, all my friends know this, it is too bad I am upset at her preference I have to accept her wishes. Well, it is strong language and she kept liking and commenting on my FB page. I said it was confusing to me and didn't understand her logic.

I realize she is in recovery from back surgery still and looks like facing big decisions and choices on self care and the future. But, it feels like she is taking out some frustration on me here. I am still shocked at her words and I asked her to leave me alone now. I don't know what to say. It felt like bad manners to dislike so strongly my attempt to share affection. I don't know if we can repair the damage. Strong words went back and forth.

I shared lots of confidences, personal ups an downs, it felt like real true relationship. I was planning to go back to Europe next year and thought to stop and visit her in Frankfurt. Now, she doesn't want to talk at all. Should I let it go? This not wanting gifts never came up, I had no idea. She said she did not like getting gifts because they clutter up the house and than she has to get rid of them. She often has young children visit. If she didn't want the coloring book, I thought the kids would. I am puzzled about how to move on.

[Teacher Terry]

I think she way overreacted. I would not contact her unless she says she is sorry and contacts you. It may not really be what you did but more what she is going thru and she may realize this with time.

[kally]

Very strange reaction. Possibly medication problems? Possibly in pain. Just wait it out a bit.

[early morning]

And it could be a mental illness that she is able to control until something really stressful happens. I had a real-life friend like this who would just lose it from time to time, but would be perfectly rational for very long periods. After one of her sporadic episodes, she was upset and confused at her own actions. I'd think that for friendships online, you can't pick up as easily on some of the signs and signals of that type of issue. Personally, I'd do as Teacher Terry and kally suggest, and just give her time. You seem like a very compassionate and caring person - I'm sure this is hard for you!

[Cypress]

Thanks for your support. It's all strange as I am on FB not much and she is a big fan of it. She was on constantly, in many private and closed groups, has lot of friends and seemed balanced in treating many as friends. Really get to know them and have all kinds of complex conversation. I think it was a way to spend time but well as it was stimulation for the mind and critical thinking. We had a falling out back in October I remember. I was ill and had a strange dizzy spell after eating something. I was scared and talked about this directly. When she replied, she went right past this and talked about something completely different. I was upset at that and said, hey, I am having medical issue, focus on my well being now. She also would forget what we talked about and repeat entire conversations at times. I asked her about that and don't remember the reply now. I put lots of thought and good intentions into this friendship, I think it's real. It may simply be age, illness, pain and what next in life. Perhaps the social media lost it's appeal with the illness. But, she sent photos of the break, surgical repair, on and on about her time in rehab. She reached out to me for someone to talk to. I was and am happy to be supportive. She thanked all her FB friends on her page for gifts, flowers, cards and messages. I don't quite understand if these were virtual or sent to her home. I think they were virtual. She said, take a picture of flowers, cards, or the thing you wish to send and send only image, not real thing.

Sorry, I need to vent a bit as I am lost and struggling to sort out what happened. She did apologize that I was upset and she had upset me but would not relent on her wishes. It's not her fault I was upset and did not receive a response positive. I guess the best thing is leave it alone and hope someday to work out the difficulty.

I appreciate your thoughts and support.

[freshstart]

I would've been shocked at the reaction to your gifts as she had given you the travel wallet. I agree with the others, give it time.

as for repeating stories with friends, that's what happens to me, it's very embarrassing and frustrating, maybe she is experiencing memory deficits and doesn't realize she is doing it.

[razz]

Well, as one of similar age, maybe I can try to help. When you sent the gifts, she may have taken it as an expectation of reciprocity from her that she had not agreed to at any point. It seriously changed the dynamics of the relationship. You may not see it that way but if she does, she will be uncomfortable. I have the same sense of boundaries.

I don't want friends doing favours for me. All of a sudden, I have to be considering - should I pay for this, how much, how often, when, how? A friend helped me load my truck with stuff for the dump that I simply could not do on my own. He said that he was retired and looking for stuff to do so I asked him. I offered a bottle of wine in appreciation which he turned down. We both volunteer at the same organization and can support each other there.

You have a generous heart and did a generous act in your culture and life experience. She may have perceived it very differently due to the filters from her life experiences and culture.

There is a course from the Great Courses called 'Effective Communication'. One professor from Finland said that in every communication there are 6, yes six, people. Who you think you are, who you think the other party is, who the other party thinks s/he is and who s/he thinks you are. Beyond that, there are two silent, forgotten and subconscious people - each a composite of all the life experiences, expectations, fears, joys, doubts, trusts, culture that each person has. He said that if you both agree to words used and their meanings and actually understand each other it is a mistake. That silent composite person on each side of the conversation colours the perception to such an extent.

If you really like this internet friend, give her the forgiveness that you would want and restore the conversation to the simple communication via the internet that you had before. If it doesn't settle down to your comfort level, then gradually withdraw on your terms.

Hope that helps.

[Zoe Girl]

The 6 people thing is interesting. I really like it.

I was taught it was really required to accept gifts graciously, even if you didn't love it or you simply didn't want so much stuff, or whatever. That you focused on the intent and the joy of the giver, and at that moment were just accepting. That is not always easy, especially when we don't want a lot of stuff in our lives.

[Chicken lady]

It could be pain, meds, age, culture, concern over reciprocity, or she could be ultraliteangler and view gifts as a form of assault. Maybe she tried to be gracious anyway and then was afraid she encouraged you and overreacted.
maybe she thought the wall at was ok because it was very functional.

It's possible she's not good with real people too and is unsettled by your physical manifestation in her life. I have a new friend who invited me to a small party centered around an activity I had told her I wanted to try. Fortunately she understood when I told her "that sounds like a lot of fun, but I don't think I can do that. There will be people."

If you've gotten joy from this friendship at the virtual level, I'd just let it go and go back to that without mentioning the gifts or reacting to their mention anymore.

[Cypress]

Thanks for the feedback. Perhaps I will let myself cool off for a week and come back to read these thoughtful replies. Razz gave quite an interesting insight into the situation. It seemed natural to share a gift after three years of talking but maybe it does cross some line for another. I'll give myself a break and do nothing. It may be that she has moved on and will not want to go forward. Who knows.