doing more for people, not working so well

[Zoe Girl]

This is a pretty subtle thing right now. I don't rush out and 'do' a lot for people honestly, but my job takes care of a lot of people in many ways. There are tiny ways where I give a little over a lot of interactions, and it is adding up. So with this friend issue I have spent so much time offering as much understanding as a I can, and I don't have more to offer right now. The big shift is understanding this, what am I actually doing that is 'giving' that leaves me tired, and I think just even keeping people in my circle of care and concern can have an impact. Calling her often to check in was part of the balance of keeping her in my circle of care and concern, I got to hear for myself and connect which supported it all. With the abrupt stop of checking in there has been a shift.

It is just microshifts at this point. Realizing what my needs are and not judging them, and then seeing if the situation is reasonably going to meet my needs. One thing is getting some buy-in and energy from others. I host a monthly potluck for our meditation group, and yesterday I got one person the whole time and one person for a short time. 2 others let me know they were not coming that day. I sent out reminders and invites to the whole group a few times. Honestly the entire meditation group is fueled by 3 of us which is hard. I have been more up front about money ( I have my set amount I donate to the rent, we almost never make rent), and have decided to not push to go every meeting. I love the other 2 people but I am discouraged that after a couple years we still don't have a larger core group. We switched from writing talks to following readings recently which really helps, nothing is worse than writing a talk and having one person or no one show up. I have really shifted how much I 'push' this group, although I created a regular newsletter and post updates on FB so I am doing things that support the group.

I think part of the underlying thing is that I am a nice, quiet, generous person. It is easy to not notice what I am doing in a friendship or a group. So other people have to work at this a little. When I feel not noticed then I tend to put in more energy, rather than expect the other person to put in more energy. So what does it feel like to just step back how much energy I am putting in? Also I want to notice cases where this is balanced. I know other supervisors who have their employees find coverage when they are sick? I am not sure how that works because we are short staffed and do not have a sub pool. I do cover my staff, sometimes I ask them to work if it is not an emergency, and they are coming in extra over spring break for a work day and do additional tasks I need help with. That feels balanced.

[Teacher Terry]

If you are working harder then others at a friendship it is time to step back and wait for them to make the first move. If they don't then that is your answer. I have had this problem and have been working very hard to correct this. Otherwise I end up feeling resentful.

[rodeosweetheart]

If you are working harder then others at a friendship it is time to step back and wait for them to make the first move. If they don't then that is your answer. I have had this problem and have been working very hard to correct this. Otherwise I end up feeling resentful.

TT, it is funny you mention this principle. I have been trying to do exactly the same thing with family relationships, to stop overfunctioning for other parties. To step back and wait to see what happens.

I actually get a visual of stepping back when I think of this dynamic and what I am trying to do.

[nswef]

That stepping back is very helpful. I've had it work positively for me in relationships. I don't always need to run in and rescue!

[Teacher Terry]

I think for some personality types it is easy to fall into this role. I learned in grad school that I never should work harder then my clients. Same principle.

[Zoe Girl]

How helpful! I train my staff (that work with youth) to step back and support rather than doing. I also have been telling them more recently to check in and see who is working harder at the project, kid or adult, as a way to check the quality of our program. Hmm, that helps,

[razz]

I have been doing the stepping back with my volunteer activities as well. So it is a good thing to give space to others in various settings. It helped me to set parameters on what I wanted to do and could readily handle positively. Beyond that, I withdrew. I keep coming up with the lifesaving approach in swimming. Throw a lifeline to those in serious difficulty but don't get close enough to get pulled under and drowned. When they totally collapse, call in the appropriate agencies if possible. If someone lacks confidence, offer to swim along with him/her for a while but set a time limit on it. Each of us has to swim or sink finally or get out of the pool.

[Zoe Girl]

I have been letting all this roll around in my head awhile now, I realize that if I am a friend I assume that there are certain things I would have a really hard time saying no to. Since I have been on the low end of friends for several years it isn't that hard really, but it hasn't always been this way. So if a close friend is moving I would help, if a close friend needs to talk earlier or later than I am usually awake I would take the call, etc. I haven't had many of these things come up, and a couple times I have helped too much for a new friendship that didn't really go anywhere.

In this friendship recently I realized that she has several things looming like a move with limited physical ability, and if I am supposed to not contact as often, not be as close, that means I don't need to worry about making some time to help her pack and move! I didn't even realize that this was on my mind. Part of it was that I saw on FB she had some time with other friends, and they helped her make her bed and take out trash, so I am not the only one around (or my snarky little thought is that maybe there is a realization that I wasn't just coming over and calling so often for my own personal interests).