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Thread: The slow fade?

  1. #11
    Simpleton Alan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler View Post
    I did not ask to be born.

    So why is he entitled to me taking care of him? That does not add up.
    Sometimes we get too caught up in our own wants, wishes and desires to see the good in those close to us. It's true of both fathers and sons.
    "Things should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler." ~ Albert Einstein

  2. #12
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alan View Post
    Sometimes we get too caught up in our own wants, wishes and desires to see the good in those close to us. It's true of both fathers and sons.
    Could be true.

  3. #13
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    For what it may be worth, I've generally derived more happiness/satisfaction from the obligations I've taken on then the ones I've avoided. I would not trade away one minute I've spent with the old man, even the disagreements and unwanted advice.

    I didn't ask to be born. It was a gift.

  4. #14
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    Ultraliteangler, sometimes I think about your future and I feel sad. You haven't mentioned your gf lately, so I don't know what's up with that, but I see you moving out away from the only family you feel connected to and focusing on divesting yourself of people and items. I look down a road where you age, retire, divest yourself of your car, stop attending your groups because it is too much trouble, your dog is gone, and one day the super investigates an odor and finds your remains in a tiny room with a hotplate, a spoon, a pot, a can opener, a mattress with one sheet, a toothbrush and a change of clothes. Nobody claims the body.

    Why would you not try to have positive interactions with your dad? Why would you not reach out and drink life from a fire hose? Your "spiritual tradition" says that this is all there is. And yet, you seem intent on rejecting even this. On working your way doggedly toward nothingness. Are you seeing someone about depression?

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler View Post
    That is where things took a turn for the infuriating.
    It dawned on me that if he was not my bio-dad, I would really have no reason to want to be around him.
    So I am asking myself: Is that enough? Or should I just do the slow-fade?
    You know -- don't call, don't visit, when he and my mom come down to visit I can just have some other obligation.
    My mom is not as bad, she is fairly liberal, but she is mentally ill and very materialistic. Again, would I choose to be around her at all if she was not my bio-mom? Probably not.
    I kept wondering: Am I part of some cosmic mistake? Why am I here on this planet with these parents? haha

    Thoughts on the slow fade?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alan View Post
    Agreed!
    I suspect he's a better person represented.
    Quote Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler View Post
    Turns out I am a "very dominant and critical personality." haha
    You sound like him, maybe that is the cosmic joke.
    I do agree with Alan, that we are getting a biased opinion here.

    I come from a family that there was slow fade, as well as fast burnout (disowning). What happens with your sibling when you disown your parents? For one, they get stuck in the middle, no matter how they feel about it.
    I can remember my grandfather speaking to a sibling for the first time in 40 years, at a family members wedding. I didn't understand why, until the horrible phone call from another relative (I didn't know existed), on their deathbed. I have also had some of the family talk about seeking out relatives that disappeared. You might have a reason to disavow yourself, but realize they could seek you out later, either for forgiveness or spite.

    I've got some family that the last time I saw, I was a child. There are some real, safety considerations in that case. So there are some reasons family's do fall apart. Because you don't like their belief's, however, itself is damaging. DAMHIKT

  6. #16
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LDAHL View Post
    For what it may be worth, I've generally derived more happiness/satisfaction from the obligations I've taken on then the ones I've avoided. I would not trade away one minute I've spent with the old man, even the disagreements and unwanted advice.

    I didn't ask to be born. It was a gift.
    You and I are very different men, LDAHL. More power to you on your path.

  7. #17
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I am definitely in the camp of NOT severing ties for all the reasons stated. At the same time, I can see how those triggers (excuse the pun) probably got set off.. you feel strongly about one thing and your dad feels strongly about the opposite. You are more cautious about carrying guns, and your dad somehow perceived that as threatening. You are more concerned about treating the fish humanely than your dad, which he might have also seen as a threat.

    In my relationships with people who drink, I can put myself in your shoes. Using alcohol as an analogy for guns, if I don't feel they should be drinking, but they're passing around the alcohol, I've learned to "change what I can" and accept the rest. I try not to judge them or label them or confront them with my beliefs. At the same time, if I don't like being around them when they're drinking, I cordially excuse myself. I wouldn't dream of cutting them out of my life, though. At least not at this point.

    ETA: This is what I TRY to do.. God knows I rarely hit the bullseye with regard to patience and compassion, but I keep trying..

    I remember having serious disagreements with my MIL on race, but again, I can't change her, and I certainly didn't find her sometimes racist views to be grounds for cutting her out of my life (not that I could have anyway).

    I can understand your frustration, but I think dealing with differences is part of the territory of family relationships.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  8. #18
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    I am wondering about the actual dynamic here. Did your BIL keep quiet, because he was expecting you, as the closest relative and the driver (in charge), to pipe up and set the safety rules? I would expect the driver to enforce the seat belts rule, then why not enforce the "don't brandish a loaded weapon while I'm driving rule"? Nobody challenged your dad and maybe he's assuming you're both fine with him brandishing a loaded weapon around. Maybe he's not even thinking about an accidental discharge during a fender bender.
    Yes, it is going to be an unpleasant conversation. But, it takes a village. Otherwise, you end up with some kind of a tragic outcome and everybody is wondering "why didn't anybody do anything about it earlier?" I am generalizing here. My family had to have the same type of conversations with my FIL. It was his kids that had them and he got ticked off at them. But he never repeated the dangerous behavior. YMMV

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post

    I can understand your frustration, but I think dealing with differences is part of the territory of family relationships.
    Catherine, you said it so much better than me.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler View Post
    You and I are very different men, LDAHL. More power to you on your path.
    It's probably true that I've had a long run of undeserved good luck, and have little understanding of what others may be up against. If that's the case here, I apologize if I came across as judgmental.

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