Unwanted gifts

[peggy]

Well not really unwanted but un-needed and a bit awkward.
This next weekend we are having a bbq/party that some people may give gifts for but we never do. Still some people always show up with a gift no matter what we say. I know that their hearts are in the right place but it makes for an awkward moment for us and for anyone else who came without gifts, which is most of the guests.
Usually I try to open it quickly, thank them then move on but again, it's awkward for our other guests. I wonder if there is a better way to handle it? Acknowledge the gift and giver without making anyone else feel bad for not bringing anything, which we never want them to do in the first place.
Anyone have a good way to handle this?

[Ultralight]

A good way? A way that is not awkward?

That is going to be tough.

Are you good enough friends that you could really sit down with these folks and talk straight with them?

[ToomuchStuff]

An unwanted gift? You mean a burden?

[iris lilies]

Peggy, I agree with you on this, and I am always up for a discussins on obligatory gifting.

Anyway, I wonder if it is necessary to open the gift at the party? I would say brightly "Thank you so much! We'll open this later!" And set it aside. That will regulate the gifting to a very minor event.

[Ultralight]

Anyway, I wonder if it is necessary to open the gift at the party? I would say brightly "Thank you so much! We'll open this later!" And set it aside. That will regulate the gifting to a very minor event.

Tact in action.

[catherine]

Peggy, I agree with you on this, and I am always up for a discussins on obligatory gifting.

Anyway, I wonder if it is necessary to open the gift at the party? I would say brightly "Thank you so much! We'll open this later!" And set it aside. That will regulate the gifting to a very minor event.

That's exactly what I would do. If I bring a gift somewhere on a purely voluntary basis, I would have no expectation for my gift to be opened and acknowledged at the party.

[Float On]

Well...if I could tell it was a bottle of wine or a food item I'd open it right then to allow everyone to enjoy.


It use to be when we were invited anywhere I would box up a glass ornament we'd made and then I'd hide it somewhere in the hosts house for them to find later as a "thank you for inviting us to the party" gift. I don't think I would ever make a showy presentation in front of others. I think the funnest one was a dear friend who had her guest bathroom done tastefully in Zebra. We happened to regularly make a 6" tall zebra sculpture. I took a zebra to her next party and left it on a shelf in her guest bathroom. She didn't notice it for 3 weeks! That was a fun phone call when she finally realized what we'd done.

[iris lilies]

Last week there was a Miss Manners column about gifting. The person querying Miss
Manners started out by saying that there is a movement toward minimalism, and people do not want gifts or objects not of their choosing. I thought that Miss
Manners has missed the point, that when people dont want objects not of their own choosing, they dont want objects not of their own choosing! Period. I am not aware that this translates into "give me money, or fund my vacation."

Here is the text of the question, and Miss Manners' answer:


Q: As I’m sure you’re aware, there is a trend toward decluttering and minimalism. This has resulted not only in the idea that it’s rude to give a gift that wasn’t specifically asked for, but also that it’s perfectly acceptable to ask the prospective giver for “experiences” instead of things — e.g., gift certificates for dinner or a spa visit, or cash toward a vacation.
I feel that it’s rude in any case to make such requests, but what if the prospective giver asks what you’d like to have? Is it acceptable to answer honestly?
A: Yes, unfortunately, Miss Manners is all too aware of yet another manifestation of greed in the name of “gift-giving.”(And the irony that people are being covetous to avoid appearing covetous is not lost on her.)
That it should be considered rude to give a present that was not previously demanded is not only an affront to manners, but also to syntax. What else is a gift, but something that is given willingly?
But as you seem to be the rare creature who understands this, Miss Manners will help you to be honest and to demur, if the demurring is executed correctly.
Only when asked (preferably repeatedly), a celebrant may say, “Oh, I just have so many things, I’m really just looking to relax a bit after the graduation/birthday/wedding. Do you know any good places?”
If done correctly, this will appear to be merely conversation aimed at gaining expertise. However, smart listeners who are presumably on the alert for present ideas will see that they can facilitate the delivery. And you will have achieved your goal — without making rude demands.

[catherine]

I think Miss Manners' point is it's rude to put any conditions on gifts. To her point:

That it should be considered rude to give a present that was not previously demanded is not only an affront to manners, but also to syntax. What else is a gift, but something that is given willingly?

So to that point, any gift that comes across the transom at the party, IMHO, should be accepted with grace and gratitude, and then quietly put to the side.

[razz]

Could the gifting be managed discreetly? I am noticing that some organizations are collecting "twonies" aka $2 coins to support an local event or cause. If anyone feels inclined to donate a gift, please consider the twonie jar. Is there a better way to phrase this as it seems kind of clumsy?