advice, please- wedding drama

[freshstart]

I think you all know my brother is getting married in 2 weeks in his fiancee's parents B&B. It is small so the wedding guest list was only 25 people per side. Unless you were married, there were no plus ones. It is 3 hrs away. Ex did not feel comfortable with Adam driving up Sat, staying over and driving home Sunday. So he is driving them home that same night, I have no clue what he will do while the wedding is going but this was his choice.

Adam has asked me to bring his "GF", a girl he pursued heavily. Turns out she is a lesbian and they are best friends. Has known her 6 mos maybe. I asked my brother 3 times, and he ignored the question. Fine, GF not going, both kids are. Let me preface this by saying, neither child is super-excited to go to begin with. But I have explained this is the last big family gathering before their grandmother likely dies. We all want pictures of the family together one last time. I ask them to give up one night of their lives for their grandmother, she would be very upset if one of her two only grandchildren weren't there. So it seemed settled.

DD is at an overnight after prom and texts me at 5am that she is not going, the lesbian GF is instead. I am so disappointed in how my kids behave with family, they were not raised this way. I plan to ask my brother to squeeze the GF in and I will pay for her and hopefully he will do that. If not how do I get my kids to go without her and just do it out of the goodness of their hearts? You all have such different perspectives, I would appreciate any input.

[herbgeek]

Is it possible your daughter actually thinks she is doing the "right" thing by giving up her space for your son's GF so they can be together?

[Chicken lady]

I would simply say "no. The gf was not invited and you do not take people to a wedding who are not invited. It is rude and inconsiderate." The girlfriend isn't coming. Period. We are dealing with this with my Dd's wedding. I don't understand why people think they can bring uninvited guests to someone else's event.

wether or not your dd goes is a seperate issue. You can't force her to care about her grandmother's feelings or yours. You can only express yours.

her not going doesn't mean the gf gets to come. People are not interchangeable.

[Gardnr]

A person who is not invited should not attend. Sorry-this is the wedding of the bride/groom, and not a social event for your kid to bring a friend to hang out with. I would NOT allow/condone this behavior.

I agree your daughter should attend. I don't know her age. My response would be "there are no do-overs in this life. This is your Uncle's wedding. He wants you to attend. You are 1 of 25 people invited to attend this joyous occasion with him. AND this is likely your Grandmas' final social family event and this is very important to her as well. If you can't do this for yourself, please open your heart and attend for them."

After that, you've got to let it go.

[freshstart]

the plot thickens, it was DD who announced she was not going so DS invited the friend and got a hotel room. He said he is ok with DD going and not the GF. Now I have to get DD to go. WTH is wrong with her that she cannot give up one night for her only uncle's wedding?

[freshstart]

I'm going to say what Gardner said, that's perfect. And if she chooses to be a jerk, than that is that. She'll have regrets when she is gone.

[razz]

You have received some really good advice.
I would only reinforce that it is the bride and groom's day, not your mother's. That may be the way that DD sees it as well.

Secondly, while weddings are important for so many good reasons, it still is just one day out of a lifetime of contacts that DD has had with her grandmother and the extended family. She will remember all of them far more than she will this one wedding as will you and your mother. Look at the family photos to remind her as some point when it seems appropriate.

Your motives are wonderful and credible based on your life experience but DD has not bought into them probably due to lack of exposure to life's fragility and the means of working through it by grabbing each moment at it comes along.

Hugs to you!

[JaneV2.0]

As far as the "last family portrait," if your daughter doesn't show up, fire up the Photoshop and patch her into it. A hundred years from now, your descendants won't know the difference.

[rosarugosa]

I think your DD is a teenager, right? That explains everything as far as I'm concerned. I pretty much sucked when I was a teenager too. If she chooses not to go, make the best of it and while it will be unfortunate not to have her in the photos, it won't be the end of the world. I hope you all can have a good time anyway!

[freshstart]

I'm starting to feel like I'm going to have to settle for she's not going. I am disappointed in both of their behaviors, none of this would be happening if DS hadn't insisted on a plus one when there's no room. They would've gone together and that would be that. I want to fast forward to 22 when they will be reasonable (hopefully) adults