And the skeletons came a tumbling out

[corkym]

I need a new perspective and objective viewpoints from people standing outside the box. I am too much in the middle right now to see clearly.

I am talking about things that happened about 30 yrs ago but just were brought out this last year. My niece was molested by my sister's husband (her stepdad) twice and repeatedly beat with a belt and demoralized and verbally and emotionally abused. He had a daughter with my sister who was never touched and is spoiled rotten even as a 40 yr old. Mommy and Daddy are always there for her supporting her. They never did anything for my niece. He also has another daughter by his mistress (actually a druggie hitchhiker he used to pick up on his business road trips). My sister calls the mistresses daughter - her daughter and also treats her better than my niece. He has had numerous affairs. My brother in law has been described by my niece's therapist a "narcissistic sadist". I call him a monster. In the outside world he is a Christian successful well respected retired businessman. The family has always known he has verbally and emotionally abused my sister. I was very close to her and have even talked with her about leaving him and I would help her. She always had an excuse. Fast forward several years, I just came out and asked my niece one day if he had ever molested her and the story came pouring out. My sister recently visited us and we had my niece email her and tell her everything hoping it would open her eyes. Instead she made excuses and sent the email to her husband and other daughter immediately and tried to make it look like my niece was the liar. My sister in fact does know that some of the incidents did happen including his brother who molested my niece also during that time period. I know my sister is a Stockholm Syndrome victim, but I just can't understand how she can not stand up for her daughter who was so victimized all those yrs and it followed her emotionally into her adulthood. My brother in law immediately emailed and played the poor innocent victim. Here he has been so good to our family all those yrs and he is sorry that my niece misunderstood the condom incident when he was just trying to help her learn how to protect herself. He took her to a motel and had her put a condom on him and then he masturbated because she wouldn't sleep with him. But she "misunderstood". Gimme a freakin' break. A young minor girl actually had to put a condom on her stepfather.
I am so furious along with other family members who are also furious. I had 2 talks with my sister and also emailed her and told her how we thought and that she needed to get away from him. She just ignored all that and made up excuses for him and his brother (who she still welcomes back into their home and posts his photos all over facebook as one loving family) My question is do I still keep trying to get her to understand how incredibly wrong this all is? Or do I back off? I love her so much. She is my sister. I can't stand to see her so brainwashed like this. They have money but she washes dishes by hand to save 4 dollars a month on the electric bill. She gets no spending money. He bought her 3 - 5.95 tops from Walmart and she was thrilled. They both had successful careers and made good money. He has her convinced they are broke. So Sorry this is so long. Does anyone have any insight on this kind of situation. I would love to hear opinions on if I need to pursue this or back off. I am just sick about this whole thing. Everyone always thought our family was the "Father Knows Best" type of family when I was growing up. Where did my sister get so off base.....

[iris lilies]

Back away from this sick, dysfunctional sister. She is not your project to save. I wouldn't interact with her at all. I would probably cut all ties, and let me tell you thats a big deal for me, but there is nothing positive you can get out of a relationship with her, she is just too deeply ill. I dont associate with people that ill regardless of whether we share dna or not. I cant fix it and I don't want it in my life.

if you cant cut ties, at least stay away from giving her advice. It is useless. Her denial is deep. Be very careful of immersing yourself into hopeless drama, there is no good outcome for you.

Continue to give emotional support to her daughter, your neice, as best you can, keeping in mind that she could become her mother. It is critically important dor victms of abuse to have their experiences validated as real. You can do that since her monster of a mother will not do that.

Does the neice have children? Will this sick fiasco continue another generation?

[ApatheticNoMore]

Well it takes two to tango, the sister knows now but there's a good chance she has always known. There's always two people involved playing the game even when it's just maintaining an unhappy marriage that mostly just affects people actually in it. This of course is much worse than that, claiming innocent victims.

So yea she's choosing it. I suppose you could suggest something to the sister like seeing a therapist to talk about all that has been brought up (frankly an individual not couples therapist) which might eventually lead to her leaving (build up her strength to leave by having that support etc. but that's assuming even a tiny part of her WANTS to leave) but I'm not sure you have much more power than that. She's an adult woman who has picked this poison. She may be too overwhelmed by her own guilt (if she knew all along) to see clearly and so on, but that's probably more an issue for a professional.

How is the niece doing? It seems like she was pressured into confronting a possible accomplice of her abuser, almost as a pawn in a larger game (of getting the sister to take this or that action). But the niece is the main victim. I mean she suffered childhood or adolescent sexual (and other) abuse right? That's a true victim, not the sister who as an adult has made her choices (regardless of from what emotional turmoil they came from).

Now confronting one's abuser as an adult may or may not be well advised depending I suppose. But the cats out of the bag. How is the neice handling it? What you actually have some power to do is maybe offer her emotional support and stand up for her in the family say "no, she is not lying, she was abused" (what you believe anyway right?). Personally I wouldn't blame her if she never saw mom and step-dad again, they don't deserve her and any contact she still gives them is some kind of grace she has every right to withdraw at any time.

[catherine]

Back away from this sick, dysfunctional sister. She is not your project to save. I wouldn't interact with her at all. I would probably cut all ties, and let me tell you thats a big deal for me, but there is nothing positive you can get out of a relationship with her, she is just too deeply ill. I dont associate with people that ill regardless of whether we share dna or not. I cant fix it and I don't want it in my life.

Continue to give emotional support to her daughter, your neice, as best you can, keeping in mind that she could become her mother. It is critically important dor victms of abuse to have their experiences validated as real. You can do that since her monster of a mother will not do that.

+1

[ApatheticNoMore]

Does the neice have children? Will this sick fiasco continue another generation?

yes that's what I thought, who else might the old pedophile abuse. I mean I suppose this sentence could be interpret as will the niece abuse her own kids (or will her hubby) as yes that SOMETIMES happens - victims become victimizers. But that only happens sometimes and meanwhile the step-father is the KNOWN abuser, so that would be my first thing to worry about, is he still after little girls? And just because he may be old doesn't mean he's not.

Of course if she never married or had kids, well it might be for the best (not having kids with that background), but you need not wonder why.

[iris lilies]

OP, you may want to consider a session or two with a therapist to handle your own shock and anger about this news.

Then, there are the practical aspects of family relationships to consider. Your relatives will have conflicts as you all seem to takes somene's side, and unfortunately, that is inevitable. Probably someone will even seem to take the side of your sister's husband, as crazy as that seems.

this is a big deal that has blown your family apart, so get some help with it.

[Radicchio]

Your sister is sick. She has developed a longstanding pattern of thinking that she cannot or will not change. Perhaps if you invited her to see a therapist under the pretext of working on your relationship (between you and your sister), she would have an opportunity to have a mental health professional help her gain some clarity. However, these kinds of belief systems are extremely difficult to change, as they serve as a psychological protection for her. If she were to admit to her husband's despicable behavior, it would be devastating for her own self-respect (rightly so, in my opinion).

Only you can determine whether your love and affection for your sister would compel you to try something like this to try to get through to her. Just make sure you are strong enough to deal with a possible/likely bad outcome. If you did go ahead with a therapist (to whom you should explain your situation and ask for guidance in how to bring your sister into therapy with you) and it goes south, perhaps then it would be easier on you to cut ties. It's always hard when we find out someone we've loved isn't the person we thought she was. She is a victim, but she also allowed her husband to victimize her own daughter! Not sure she will ever be able to admit to that or even acknowledge it to herself. She isn't just protecting her husband's image, she's also protecting herself at this point.

[corkym]

I am thinking you are all right. She did make her choice and I do think she knew to some degree. We were so close at one time, I don't understand how she closed herself off like this. And actually ApatheticNoMore I have thought about that too. I hope we haven't pressured my niece into being a pawn. She was up and down emotionally as to whether she should say something or not. It has been a process over this last year of her deciding to say something. We did let her know it was her decision completely and it could go either way. But she knew we thought it was a good idea. And I am a complete support for her and she knows that. My sister does know that we all believe my niece. I told her every family member that knew and there was just too much evidence supporting our belief. Especially because he has been inReplyappropriate with me at one time. He never molested me but suggested very inappropriate things when I was a teenager and was leading up to it. And he also tried to get his sister in law to engage with him sexually. He is a worse than a pervert. He is a predator and I wish I had known this yrs ago. He would be in jail. Fortunately, no my niece doesn't have children. It took many yrs but she is finally getting therapy and found a nice man. She was in two abusive marriages and on drugs, but with no support from any one dug herself out of the gutter. We lived on the other side of the country and didn't know what was going on. Good advice all of you. Thank you so much. That does help me to see it clearer.

[corkym]

I just saw some more of you posted, so I will read those now. I wasn't not responding, I just didn't see them.

[corkym]

Raddichio - yes, I have been trying to think of a way to get her into therapy, although as of right now I know she would say no, everything is fine. She keeps telling me we all need to let the past be in the past and to move on. That is because she doesn't want to deal with it.
My niece will not be having children, she is choosing not to. She is a very emotional person and rightly so. He and my sister have 2 grandchildren (11 and 6) and that is one reason we wanted this brought out. When their other daughter (the mother of these 2 kids) found out what my niece said she was "livid" to think that we would suggest her daddy would do something like this. She said she totally trusts him and she took the day off from work to console him. Gag, I can't stand her. She is a clone of him in how she manipulates and bullies. Right now she is playing the good daughter and she is saying my niece was so horrible for ruining their mom's vacation with us with that email. She uses them to get money all the time and to babysit. It is such a sick twisted family it is unreal. They totally gaslighted my niece all these yrs getting her to think she is crazy.