The Cost & Benefit of Coping Mechanisms

[Geila]

I wasn't sure where to post this... so here it is on open and it can be moved any time.

For the last couple of days, as I've been removing a lot of stuff from my house, I've been thinking about how our coping mechanisms can serve to both help us and at the same time hinder us.

In the last couple of weeks I've removed maybe 3 truckloads worth of stuff from our house and the overwhelming feeling I get is relief and happiness. Because I don't have a hoarding disorder (I'm not sure what is the appropriate/accurate term, so just grabbing something handy) and don't experience the painful emotions that someone who hoards would while doing these same activities, there is no real struggle to let the things go. Instead, I can enjoy the absence of the things and the newfound energy (emotional, psychological, physical) that is now freed up to do the things that I do enjoy, like gardening or just sitting under a tree and watching my animals run around. And the cost of keeping too many things around, or things that we just don't use or need, is very clear. Choosing to keep moving stuff around, being stressed every time I see the things, thinking about them... basically carrying them around emotionally... seems like a bad bargain because there is no payoff.

But... the way that I have always coped with stress is by eating. Nothing cheers me up faster than a batch of muffins or cinnamon buns. And food is also my first choice for just feeling good in general. Something to celebrate? Food! A happy day to enjoy? Food! Feeling sad? Food! You get the idea...And the resulting extra weight from not having control over how much I eat is what I carry around, both physically and emotionally. I guess the weight is my hoard. And it's hard work to carry it around.

Lately I've been recognizing what a disservice I'm doing to my body by making it carrying around all this extra weight, every moment of every day. I would even call it a form of physical abuse. Rationally I know this. But emotionally I still have blinders on around this issue. It's been my coping mechanism for so long, got me through so much; in fact probably saved my life. It's a hard thing to give up or to see clearly. A lot of emotional attachment to keeping myself alive and "happy" this way. So it doesn't feel like a bad bargain at all. In fact, it feels like a pretty rational thing to do! I don't have that raw clarity of seeing just how bad of a bargain this deal is. I'm too close to it. What I can't get my brain/psyche/body/emotional self to grasp is that I don't need this coping mechanism any more. The need was real, but it has passed. The coping mechanism has not and now it's a hindrance rather than a help.

Both eating and having stuff are socially glorified and it's hard to avoid marking special occasions and feelings without thinking of food and gifts to self or others. And of course there's those wonderful brain chemicals that Chicken Lady has mentioned. A bunch of them: serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, etc. A high without the drugs.

I'm hoping we can have an open discussion of the ways in which we all have at least one issue that we struggle with. I want people who don't struggle with weight or emotional eating to talk about the ways in which not being overweight frees up their energy for other things. Mentally I know that keeping this extra weight is a bad bargain, but emotionally I don't really FEEL it yet because it's hard for me to visualize the wonderful gains that I will experience without it. Tell me about those gains! Share your joy! I want to feel about this the way I feel letting go of stuff. I really do.

Wow. This post got long. I'm gonna stop here. But please do share your experiences and insights.

ps. I believe that most of the disorders/compulsions/struggles we have are at the core a coping mechanism that we developed in our formative years - a symptom not the cause. But I'm not informed on hoarding so my apologies in advance if this does not apply to hoarding behavior.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Or you could just build in an offset. For instance if you tend to make impulse purchases you could just cut back on some other expense so it doesn't blow the budget when you do. Seems more likely to work to me than trying to live totally controlled. Of course that may be personality type etc.. Western culture is probably the only culture that doesn't build in actual escapes (usually real psychotropic substances ...).

[ctg492]

open discussion of the ways in which we all have at least one issue that we struggle with:

My response is: I think everyone has at least one issue to struggle with. A song by Ian Hunter, Fatal Flaws comes to mind.

You asked about those without weight issue or emotional eating to respond. I go in the opposite swing, times of stress I have always said the weight melts off me. I stop eating. I commented on a death in the neighborhood this week and neighbors were making food for the family, I did not understand as I would have just stopped eating if I was the family. I go along the line of thought that losing weight will not in it's self cause happiness, but will bring health benefit to those very over weight.

And yes I too believe we develop these assorted coping mechanisms in our formative years as you stated. My eating I can pin point it a very young age and thoughts at that time. My spending habits of always going less that what I can really afford or need go back to being young also. My line of thought is more of Old Habits are had to break as we get older and they become hardwired in our brains, but it can be done!

My current Most wanted change in me is my always seeing the worst outcome of an event. I want to be a more optimistic person. Every day I wake up and say Postive conversations and thoughts today, every night I ask myself IF I did that today? Hows that working for me? Well today is the Day!

[Geila]

My current Most wanted change in me is my always seeing the worst outcome of an event. I want to be a more optimistic person. Every day I wake up and say Postive conversations and thoughts today, every night I ask myself IF I did that today? Hows that working for me?

Ctg492 - How's it working? Do you find your thought process changing?

I noticed something a few days ago. I don't get the same payoff from food that I used to or the payoffs that I'm getting in other areas are greater. One day I just got this feeling like this love affair with food that I've had had kind of run it's course, like a great friendship that used to be so fun and satisfying and one day starts to feel kinda blah and uninteresting. And you realize, hmmmm... it's not what it used to be.

I know that the sunshine has a lot to do with it. I suffer from SAD and winters are tough. This past week I've spent almost every day outside. And I love all my pets but one dog and I have bonded very strongly and I get a lot of feel-good brain chemicals from that. The funniest one is that I now get more satisfaction from a workout than from a bowl of ice cream! It's kind of a shocker.

[catherine]

I've asked myself this question a lot.. I think Paradise would be a total acceptance of and joy in the present moment--I am a devotee of Thich Nhat Hanh who says "People say that walking on water is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive."

Why can't this be our natural state? What keeps us from being "full" without the need to cope in sometimes harmful ways?

I think my coping mechanism is to shut myself off. I had a best friend tell me that I am [emotionally] "sealed in wax, which only the strongest sun can melt." Maybe that's a cheaper way to cope than drugs or alcohol or even food, but it takes me away from truly living. Since high school, I think I've matured out of that--at least I hope I have, but I think about this often. I feel I have done a disservice to people I love by coping this way.

[Ultralight]

In the last couple of weeks I've removed maybe 3 truckloads worth of stuff from our house and the overwhelming feeling I get is relief and happiness.

Congrats to you on this! Excellent!!!!

But... the way that I have always coped with stress is by eating. Nothing cheers me up faster than a batch of muffins or cinnamon buns. And food is also my first choice for just feeling good in general. Something to celebrate? Food! A happy day to enjoy? Food! Feeling sad? Food! You get the idea...And the resulting extra weight from not having control over how much I eat is what I carry around, both physically and emotionally. I guess the weight is my hoard. And it's hard work to carry it around.

Amen, sistah!

I have about 25 extra elbeez still, maybe 20.

[ctg492]

I do better most days than I used to, so little by little.

[Geila]

It's interesting to see the different ways in which we each cope. Sometimes I think of it as a language learned early and then learning a new language as an adult. Tough, but doable.

[Gardenarian]

My issue is not food, but health.

I was a sickly kid and while I am much healthier now, in times of stress (almost daily, right?) I just - give in. I don't trust my body, and it is so much easier to go to bed with a book. "I'm under the weather" or "I'm not feeling 100%."

I use it as a crutch, I know that. I do have health/pain issues that I'm dealing with, but they will not be improved by my hiding under the covers. It's just avoiding any possible anxiety.

There's nothing wrong with taking a siesta or being kind to yourself. I just hate that I'm perpetuating my own vision of myself as disabled and sick, when I have worked really hard to make myself stronger.

It's also a miserable waste of time - I could be doing creative work - but escapism is easier.

Thanks for bringing this up. This is one chunk of negativity in my life that I would love to be free of.

[Geila]

My issue is not food, but health.

I use it as a crutch, I know that....It's just avoiding any possible anxiety.

There's nothing wrong with taking a siesta or being kind to yourself. I just hate that I'm perpetuating my own vision of myself as disabled and sick, when I have worked really hard to make myself stronger.

It's also a miserable waste of time - I could be doing creative work - but escapism is easier.

Thanks for bringing this up. This is one chunk of negativity in my life that I would love to be free of.

Yes! I've noticed this exact same thing. I'll even think to myself... "hmmm, I might be fine, but I'll do it just in case..." And it's harmful because it undermines our strength and confidence in our ability to handle things as they come up.