letting friendships go

[Zoe Girl]

People run when others have health probs, etc. It really is disgusting. I have made it a point to never do that to a friend. Right now we drive an hour/week to see a friend in a home and I have another disabled friend that I make a point to take out for lunch etc. They were both very popular when they were dog sitting cheap for people and people wanted to do social things with them. Enter illness and bye, bye, Shallow!

OMG! that was a huge factor in how I let this one friendship that ended a few month ago get so intense and take over about all my friendship energy. She has had multiple surgeries and I was one of her helpers. Then after 2 years or so I really needed a friend for a few things and she didn't have any energy. Unfortunately I had put all my limited energy into one friendship, and I really really couldn't feel like I dumped her. I tried to back off when she said she needed more time and space, but she had a serious mental health crisis a few months before that and I got scared, kept checking in on her until she pulled the plug in an angry way. The last time she asked for everyone to give her space I did, texted every couple days to once a week something encouraging with no expectation of response, available in case she needed something, didn't worry about her, and found out she went to a hospital as suicidal. It is not easy to figure out how to do this is what I ended up learning.

[jp1]

Personally as an introvert with an extrovertish job I don't have a lot of energy left over for a lot of friendship type activities. By the end of the week I'm ready to spend the weekend sitting on the deck reading a book, by myself. Especially if the week has included work travel, which always includes a lot of meetings and/or presentations in front of groups of people. I even dread work related dinners when I'm traveling for work. If it's not a situation where I see a clear work benefit I'll make an excuse and not go and instead get dinner by myself unless it's a one on one dinner with one of the few work related friends that I truly enjoy spending time with.

SO is more extroverted than I am and he has been the one to find most of our San Francisco friends. He has brunch and goes to the farmers market with a pair of them more Saturdays than not. I never go along. I just tell him what I want from the farmers market and he brings it home. If we get invited to dinner at these friends' house, I enjoy going. If we decide to host these friends or others for dinner I'm also cool with that as long as it's not too often, maybe once every couple of months. Once in a while I'll even agree to a get together, coffee or drinks or a movie once or twice a year or whatever, but if it was more than just random occasions I'd be like Iris Lily. Too much. When I try to picture my retired life I imagine finding a few volunteer activities that I would do a few times a month to get out of the house and have IRL interaction with people other than SO, but mostly I look forward to having more time by myself to read books and do other projects.

Not sure this helps your situation Zoe, but I guess what I'm trying to say is "maybe it's not you, it's them" and maybe provides some perspective on why people are averse to getting together.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I'm going to go with once a week is a good thing or at the VERY LEAST once every other week. I don't think the "see you once a month" things will build any closeness or frankly last (although hey a few might) and that it is much better to have friends and groups you see every week. Now of course this is balanced against all the other demands of life so .... one can only do what they can, I'm not saying one has to be social every day - which certainly is likely to burn out an introvert (I may very well be saying fewer groups and people seen more often).

[iris lilies]

So a big boost was we had a couple new people at our meditation group and the core members as well so that was 8 of us. That is a big night! I am also more comfortable with my summer staff and that makes it easier. It is hard to hire all new people, move to a new location, have all new students for 8 weeks and then be done. I realized this week that it was affecting me more than I thought. I don't share my really personal stuff with my staff but we chat and it is very friendly.

IL I am not sure what you meant about frequency. I have my weekly meeting but other than that I would like one social thing a week. It could be a group, coffee meetup with a friend, really anything. So not the same friend every week but if I have 4-8 friends and meet one a week then I get my social needs met and I am not asking any one person to be a daily phone call or every week coffee date person. It would also be nice to go to a movie a couple times a year.

I got a sense that you wanted contact once a week. That would be too often for me, for the most part.

There are weeks where I see my friend/neighbor 2-3 times that week, but we are watchng tv shows and are not interacting all that time.

recently I told her "I cant watch this film , there is too much talking." Haha, it was just too much human dialog for me on that day. Do not assume that I wanted "action" film because I did not. The film was Iris about Iris Murdoch, a literary figure. Lots of talk talk talk. I would have been ok with a human drama that had slower dialog pacing, and with pauses, and with scenery.

The Gilmore Girls drive me insane.

[snowwolf]

Thanks for starting this discussion, Zoe Girl. It was comforting to read others' posts. I am definitely an introvert. While as a professional I can speak to large audiences and socialize (to a limited extent) at conferences and be friendly/somewhat talkative while I am out and about - I definitely prefer to do things by myself and highly value my time alone. I do have a DH and three younger children that of course I could and do spend most of my time with. I don't mind spending time with my in-laws and I love spending time with my mother, father, and siblings. But that is the extent of my personal social life. I do not have any friends. Yes, I have some acquaintances on facebook, but we would never meet up to spend time together with our families. I do have one friend that I used to be close with, but we have drifted apart and it doesn't bother me that we talk maybe twice per year (more out of obligation, being sentimental about the friends we "used to be"). If I had an opportunity to have friends, I probably wouldn't follow through because I am busy enough with my children, my DH, and my family and in-laws. I can't wait until I get time to read a book, take a hike by myself, travel by myself, etc. Sometimes I worry that something is wrong with me because I don't have any non-family friends. Then I ask myself if I am happy and content this way and the answer is YES! It would be too stressful for me to feel forced to follow-through to make friends and be a friend.

[Teacher Terry]

It is really not healthy to have too small a "world." One day your kids will grow up and without friends etc you could find yourself pretty lonely.

[Ultralight]

I don't think we can have real friends and/or real community without truly needing each other.

But we construct our lives and our technology so that we do not need each other.

[Teacher Terry]

I have seen people that focus totally on their family for their friendships and as kids leave, spouses die or divorce, parents die, etc they find themselves to be pretty lonely. Technology has enabled us to remain pretty isolated.

[Ultralight]

I have seen people that focus totally on their family for their friendships and as kids leave, spouses die or divorce, parents die, etc they find themselves to be pretty lonely. Technology has enabled us to remain pretty isolated.

Their kids kind of abandon them.

[ApatheticNoMore]

It does seem a risky strategy to make one's only social life family and spouse. But I do understand how it's often not an entirely chosen strategy. If one is say working full time, trying to maintain a marriage and raising YOUNG kids, it won't be a time in their life they have much time or energy left for social life regardless - at best maybe find some other parents where they can socialize while the kids play.