How to be there for family

[catherine]

I've always taken it for granted that I have three siblings--all brothers. As I've mentioned, I went out to Minnesota to visit my oldest brother who has debilitating vascular issues. Tomorrow he goes back to the hospital for a procedure to clear a blockage in his femoral artery. His mind is intact, but he depends on my SIL for almost everything. I have tried to come to terms with the idea that he may not be long for this world.

My youngest brother has recently been diagnosed with "aggressive" prostate cancer. As we speak, he is having a PET scan to see if it has metastasized. If it hasn't, prognosis is pretty good. If it has, prognosis takes a deep dive. He lives alone, is a recovering alcoholic, sober for almost 3 years. A PIA when drunk, but a gentle soul when sober.

I face the fact that by the end of the decade, there's a good possibility I'll be down two siblings. The thought is very painful, but I'm not good at handling this kind of pain.

I can't be of any practical help for my Midwestern brother. My SIL is all he needs, really. She is awesome. But, I feel really bad for my youngest brother because he's alone. My middle brother (DB2) and SIL are really good people. They happen to live only 2 miles from the VA hospital where DB3 is getting care, so he is staying with them.

For those of you who are experienced with giving support to sick people, what is your advice? I didn't do well with my mother when she was sick--I was firmly in denial. How can I best be there for both brothers? By nature, I'm very stoic, and I'm not sure if that's a benefit or a drawback at times like these.

I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences as someone needing support or giving support.

[pinkytoe]

I am not close to my two older siblings but they have support. Both have Parkinson's so who knows how long that will take to do its deed. I became a full-time caretaker in my mid-30s to my younger brother and my mother who were both dying. I always felt so bad for both of them as they didn't have a lot of support outside of me but I was the only one geographically close. I wanted to care for them but I also resented that my siblings were far away and living their own lives without this burden. All you can do is stay in touch and express your concern to your brothers and their caregivers. The caregivers never get the credit they deserve. I am watching from afar as my poor SIL struggles with caring for her mother knowing she is also stewing with resentment at the fact that she alone is dealing with the situation.

[Rogar]

I helped my older brother who lived alone through what ended up being a terminal illness. He lived a couple of hundred miles away. I'd as soon not go into great detail, but he lived in your normal neighborhood house with a dog. Things would have been much easier if he had been in a low maintenance place like an apartment or patio home. That is something all of us could think through. My help would have been to get him situated into an easier living situation, among other things I was able to help with. Also, if it comes to requiring more help, I'd ask around with social services or other programs to help. An older friend found a person through social services to help him pay his bills and other simple health management issues. I think she was an RN and it was not a free service. Sorry that I don't know more specifics, but there are places out there who can help with some basic needs.

[rosarugosa]

Catherine: I'm sure it's a lot harder when there are substantial distances involved. We are fortunate that sister and I are both within 3 miles of Mom, and are able to really share caregiving responsibilities (both by nature and by proximity).
I'm on a FB group for people who are caring for a family member with dementia. A common complaint is from those who do caregiving with no respite at all, and have siblings that provide little or nothing in the way of support, but often lots of criticism. I think the most important thing would be to ask the caregivers how you can be supportive. Good communication is so essential. Maybe someone needs you to go out and cover while they take a vacation, for example. Or maybe they just need to be able to vent to a sympathetic ear occasionally. You have a lot of medical knowledge from your professional life that might be helpful, and I think you would be a great sounding board.
I also think from what you've relayed that you were in the thick of raising kids, etc. when your mother was dying, so cut yourself some slack there, although I do understand the idea of wanting to do better next time. In hindsight, I could have been a lot more supportive of my mother when my dad was dying of cancer, but I was only in my twenties and too self-absorbed, busy living my own life. She was also such a caregiver, had been a nurse, and she never asked for or expected help, so it was perfectly easy to let her deal with everything. I know better now, and I believe I am redeeming myself with strong support for her in her current circumstances. I don't see much value in beating myself up over the past, but I do try to learn from the past and do better going forward.
I'm sorry you are facing this, and I hope your brothers do well.

[happystuff]

Adding my condolences and prayers for the situation facing you, your brothers and the rest of the family. I can't really say more than has been already said by other posters, except just keep in touch - just call and chat, hear their voices and let them hear yours. Many a times I called my mother (and still do with my siblings) and say "Nothing going on and no news, was just thinking of you and decided to call." It's amazing how a good conversation can be started just from that.

Hugs to all.