I am not sure where this belongs but this is the best place I can figure out. Basically in meditation group tonight I hit a moment that is sticking with me, I have not lived up to my expectations for myself. I know my expectations are pretty high for myself, however I still am hitting that wall. I ended up with a very traditional female life, and I am not sure I wanted it like this. I know that I hit a lot of points of fear where I backed off, and a whole lot of circumstances. I realize how much caregiving I have done and continue to do, but going into the empty nest stage (okay one kid lives with me and I really like it, it would be lonely by myself) is a let down. If I changed one thing about raising my kids I would have not taken time off work. Even if all I did for a few years was pay for childcare I would have worked. And I actually really liked many aspects of being home, I did a good job at it, I just realize that it is part of what set me up for this situation I am currently living in. When opportunities came up I always erred on the side of taking care of my family.
I also see those moments that are prime moments, that moment that things can go either way. You can take a chance or stay limited and fearful. Without playing victim I realize that the message I got was very much to not take the risk. There are other times when I realize even a small amount of encouragement would have had a huge impact. People around me have their own issues, playing it safe means I have always had a job during all the recession and following years. It means I am careful with money. It means when I had a bad year at work I acted maturely and just learned instead of stomping off angry. I still also need those moments of encouragement in my relationships at work. I think I am seen as very self-sufficient, a little aloof, and not someone that needs a lot of support. I am always willing to help, more caregiving, and yet it has not been that satisfying at times. I keep watching opportunities go to other people. So I am dealing with not taking the fearful route, and it isn't making a difference. I know, patience.
I have a mentor who is very helpful, I am also ready to tell my supervisor that I have this mentor (I checked with the mentor and it is up to me to tell her if I want, and totally okay to have a mentor without getting permission). I also want to ask for more support in more challenging training for me. I feel I have a lot of leadership qualities, and yet I feel they are mostly used in counting on me always being helpful rather than leading. My supervisors can't seem to remember the things I have done over the years. I have done this with friendships, letting people give me advice when I was more than capable but caring about their feelings so much that I didn't say anything. I do things like own a coffee maker but I don't drink coffee just for when my mom visits, but it isn't noticed. Or more likely people don't think I need to hear it when they do notice.
Okay that was a super long post, I do think this is middle age, where you realize the other paths you could have taken, and some empty nest. But what is sticking around is that I expected more from myself.