Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 29

Thread: Mother and guilt

  1. #11
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    12,889
    The thing is you can't make a competent adult do anything. Yes it would be better if she moved to an apartment, etc. You can try to convince her but until she becomes incompetent there is nothing to be done.

  2. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    717
    Quote Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler View Post
    Tenngal:

    What positive contributions does your mom currently make in your life?
    none

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    717
    thanks for all the thoughtful replies. My worst fear at this point, is losing my sister over the fact she feels we don't support her. I am setting my boundaries and will stick with them. I am 60 yrs old but when in her house, I am reduced to a fearful 10 yr old once again.

  4. #14
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Always logged in
    Posts
    25,383
    Quote Originally Posted by Tenngal View Post
    thanks for all the thoughtful replies. My worst fear at this point, is losing my sister over the fact she feels we don't support her. I am setting my boundaries and will stick with them. I am 60 yrs old but when in her house, I am reduced to a fearful 10 yr old once again.
    If your sister is hell bent on the idea that Her ideas are the only valid ideas about taking care of you mother, then yes, you may "lose" her. That would be her choice, though, to drop relations with you when you define what you will and will not do.

    personally, I think some people, and usually they are women, love getting their fingers all into someone else's life and they seem to want to drag everyone else into silly details that do not matter, in the long run.

    we have to accept that in aging, some life issues and events change and not for the better. A relaxation of standards for cleanliness, nutrition, mobility, property upkeep, etc. seems to me to be normal. So many people rail against any change and thatbis ok, as long as they are willing ro,step up to provide help in meeting those old standards.

    I like razz' summary very much. One has to step back and let the senior parent make his/her choices and live the consequences. And one has to step back and let busybusy siblings fuss with that senior parent's life if that is what that sibling chooses to do.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 8-16-16 at 3:15pm.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    10,216
    Quote Originally Posted by Tenngal View Post
    none
    Then why not immediately cease all contact? Explain to your sisters. Then walk away.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    12,889
    If sister ends up mad that will be her choice. By choosing to help within your own healthy boundaries you won't have any regrets later about your Mom.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Gardenarian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    SF Bay Area
    Posts
    4,255
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's very good that you're setting limits now.

    I moved 3,000 miles from my parents. That seemed to be about the right amount of distance.

  8. #18
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Location
    upstate NY
    Posts
    2,758
    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    If sister ends up mad that will be her choice. By choosing to help within your own healthy boundaries you won't have any regrets later about your Mom.
    I agree with this. Taking her to appts is more than enough.

    I grew up in a home with a verbally/physically abusive father and a verbally abusive mother who did nothing to stop the abuse heaped on her kids. My dad changed (he went on an antidepressant for pain 20+ yrs ago and it totally changed his personality) and I have resolved my issues with him. My mother never changed, nor tried but we are close in a dysfunctional way that I hate. I love her, I hate her behavior.

    Several yrs ago, my mother reached the end stage of a disease she has, she is very slowly dying and suffering a great deal. I was a hospice nurse and wanted to be her "nurse" and my home had become too big for just me. I moved into a handicapped equipped house with them. It was a huge decision because she pushes every last one of my buttons and just because someone is dying, it doesn't change them into a different person, at least not with her. But I felt guilty and wanted to help my dad so I did it. (thank God I did because I got sick and needed my dad to take care of me, but that's not the point). It has turned out that the worse she feels, the worse she is to me. It is very, very difficult to hold my tongue and sometimes I don't. I actually have verbal fights with her and that just increases the guilt more. I realize now that a decision made out of guilt is a bad one. If I didn't have the buffer of my father, I would go batshit crazy trying to take care of her and please her.

    I would stand your ground and point out what you are doing for her and that it is all that you are able to contribute. Your sisters should understand based on your shared childhood and if they don't, that's on them. To me, if a parent was abusive, they should reap what they sowed and not expect care needs to be met when they didn't meet your needs as a child. My mother just happens to be lucky that guilt is a powerful motivator for me. I wish you luck.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    1,502
    I am currently up to my eyebrows in a similar situation. I will tell you from my own perspective that your problem is not your mother, it is your siblings. Guilt is a powerful motivator but a poor one. I am the oldest and our mother (same issues as yours) passed four years ago with dementia. The siblings who had been somewhat estranged, drew together in my mom's final days. We decided to keep working on our relationships as we moved to the future keeping an eye on dad. Low and behold, mom's "big personality" had been hiding that dad was in his early stages of dementia. Fast forward.......... all the guilt from what was not done for mom and what was missed in dad is coming into play.
    I love my siblings but honestly, if I was an only child things would have played out differently and sooner. They are passive and don't want dad to be mad. Although I get lip service of how they will take responsibility it never comes to pass because "it is too soon", "dad isn't that bad". I ended up taking the license away, moving him out of his home and recently from independent living to memory care. I knew for months he needed to be moved. They wanted to patch it together by each of us taking a different day visiting and taking him to appointments.
    The elephant was in the room and sitting on their laps. I told them I was scouting memory care options and there were tears and offers (offers only) to do more but we couldn't "lock dad up". Tears and guilt (theirs) which just made me fume. It is a delay tactic. A week ago on my sisters watch she called dad to say she couldn't make it to dinner. He must have misunderstood because from what we can tell he went and sat out front at 5:30 and was still there at 11P. Then Monday night he wandered away and got lost. When I found out Tuesday morning I contacted one of the places I had visited and got him in that day. I had him moved in three hours. NO help from my siblings who were ringing their hands and clutching their pearls.
    I have a great sense of peace because I know he is in capable (trained) hands 24/7. I will now be able to be a daughter who visits when I wish as opposed to a reluctant caregiver who didn't want the job. My dh had a stroke four years ago and I deal with that at home and this has been too much. Dementia is a sad thing. My mom was unreasonable when she had her marbles and even more so I the end. Dad was reasonable (but absent) when he had his marbles and is easy going even with dementia.
    I wanted to preserve a relationship with my siblings after my parents were gone but honestly it is going to be a push. All along the process I have told them that I care about their feelings and appreciate their input but when it is time to bust a move I'm not waiting for them to be comfortable with it. Not knowing what to do is no excuse for doing nothing. Guilt should not paint you into a corner. I have never had a problem saying no.
    I have been careful to tell them that I would never interfere with any kind of relationship they have with dad. My sister is peeved that everything isn't even and that my brother doesn't put in his time. I don't care. I really don't. I have the responsibility to make sure that he is cared for but I know that it is more than I can handle. There is no guilt for turning it over. The two of them will have to come to terms on it in their own way. I'm not babysitting their feelings.
    Be clear about what you are willing and not willing to do. Lather, rinse, repeat. If they act the martyr then point out that there are other choices and you are not one of them.

  10. #20
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    3,737
    Simplemind, that was a powerful post. Thank you.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •