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Thread: Mother and guilt

  1. #21
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
    Simplemind, that was a powerful post. Thank you.
    Excellent post and so important that you did. It covered the sense of guilt and what it really is all about.
    Last edited by razz; 8-21-16 at 1:08pm.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tenngal View Post
    My mother was abusive as we three girls were growing up. Mostly verbal and emotional with some physical thrown in. I am able to take some time off and will be glad to drive her to Dr appts and such. I will not be staying with her. Informed sister of this. Still, I feel guilty, but not enough to change my mind. The sense of dread I feel in that house is strong and I have a hard time feeling compassion for her. Have any of you faced anything like this?
    I am blessed that I have not had this experience. As I read your post, it feels to me like you have given tremendous thought to your relationship with your mother. You have determined what you will and won't do.

    And above all, you have made YOU the priority in caring for yourself. CONGRATULATIONS on this HUGE step...a very difficult task for the abused.

    I completely support you standing your ground. Perhaps a face to face with your sisters (together if at all possible), to walk them through the personal journey to get to "here". Ask them for their support of you. And then accept their decision.

    I applaud your decisions. You owe your mother nothing. YOU DESERVE to feel safe, healthy and happy.

  3. #23
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    My sister is now having her own health issues due to the stress. I told her I could no longer bear the burden of her anxieties. She talks a great game but is always late or has to change her plans and asks me to cover for her. I finally started telling her no. It was a way for me to show her that life happens and we were not equipped to cover as a family. He was either going to go without or we needed to change the arrangement. She would get angry because in her mind I could easily do it because I was retired and she was still working.
    I told her it would be criminal to leave a young child unattended in a home for hours. This was really no different with his dementia and I would not allow the arrangement any longer. It didn't matter what dad wanted because he was not of right mind but we certainly were. I would have appreciated her acknowledgement of the situation and her support. Even without it I had to move forward. It was then flipped on me that it wasn't really about Dad's safety but more for my own selfishness because I wanted my three days back to myself. I won't lie that there was truth in both and I own it. I knew he wasn't safe and I knew I couldn't be awake 24/7 to watch him.
    There was verbal abuse, neglect and alcoholism in our family. Functional dysfunction. There was a trust written back in 2008 and I took responsibility to carry things out in the end because I knew my siblings could/would never handle it. I left home right after HS. I always referred to it as the house of pain. Knowing I would have eventual responsibility for everything felt oppressive every time I entered the property. My parents wanted to stay in the house until their deaths. That would have been great if they lived a good life and died simple deaths. But no................. we had dementia and hoarding. Mom turned into Mrs. Havisham and dad turned into a ghost. Children of alcoholics become masters of not seeing what is really in front of them. We were not the Brady Bunch. You can't rework the past by swapping places and parenting your parent. For over 6 months I was suffering horrible reflux while trying to keep all the plates spinning and family and feelings together. From the moment I made the decision to move dad and let my sibling figure out their own relationships and feelings I haven't needed to nibble on a single antacid and have slept like a baby. I should have taken my counselors advice months ago. He told me if you keep feeding the pigeons you are just training them to let you take care of them. So looking forward to not worrying about anything but what is happening under my own roof.
    I apologize for such longs posts but as you can see.............. I'm right in it this week and still have a lot of energy behind it.

  4. #24
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    It must be nice to even have the money to have the option to move parents into a home if applicable (homes are very expensive, aren't they?). Seriously this has got to be a very small portion of the population that even has that kind of money or inherited assets. I don't think I'd be able to, I don't know what I'd do, I also can't quit my job, I don't think about the future mostly, I hope people die peacefully and healthily in their sleep. because I am not rich enough to do anything but neither are most people probably, there is no good answers to things, life sucks in this country.
    Trees don't grow on money

  5. #25
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    In NY and I assume elsewhere, Medicaid pays for nursing home care after the assets run dry. If there are no assets to begin with, there are usually county homes. They don't pay for assisted living or such.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    I always say that I don't plan for a hurricane while I'm standing in the middle of one. Yes, wouldn't it be nice to be "rich".
    We also take care of my husband's mother. Her assets have now dropped to the point where she is eligible for Medicaid as well as Veteran's benefits. Starting tomorrow we will be looking for a similar living arrangement for her. She has been in assisted living and that is spendy.
    In my dad's case I had a few years in advance to start climbing the pile of stuff and sell off what was salvageable. We then downsized him to an apartment in a senior community while I liquidated the rest of the assets. After all this was done it was time to look at memory care. What I found was much less than had I put him in a corporate run memory care. It was pretty much what we were already paying for his rent and his meals in independent living. A friend is a Senior Care Advisor and helped me find this place that I most likely wouldn't have found on my own given I was in a time crunch for safety.

  7. #27
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    I'm sorry you had to manage this on your own, Simplemind. Another example of how having siblings doesn't mean that responsibilities will be shared. Reminds me of a TV show where one of the characters sighed and complained, "Why do *I* always have to be the adult?" I know it gets wearying because I have had some days like that too, although fortunately they're all now in the past.

    Don't apologize for your long posts - this issue is something most of us here have faced or will be facing, so sharing these experiences is very helpful.

  8. #28
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freshstart View Post
    In NY and I assume elsewhere, Medicaid pays for nursing home care after the assets run dry. If there are no assets to begin with, there are usually county homes. They don't pay for assisted living or such.
    For ANM--

    To be clear, they have to qualify by being in need of medical care.

    Just being frail and a bit forgetful and without relatives to look in on them doesn't mean they quality for medical care.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simplemind View Post
    I am currently up to my eyebrows in a similar situation. I will tell you from my own perspective that your problem is not your mother, it is your siblings. Guilt is a powerful motivator but a poor one. I am the oldest and our mother (same issues as yours) passed four years ago with dementia. The siblings who had been somewhat estranged, drew together in my mom's final days. We decided to keep working on our relationships as we moved to the future keeping an eye on dad. Low and behold, mom's "big personality" had been hiding that dad was in his early stages of dementia. Fast forward.......... all the guilt from what was not done for mom and what was missed in dad is coming into play.
    I love my siblings but honestly, if I was an only child things would have played out differently and sooner. They are passive and don't want dad to be mad. Although I get lip service of how they will take responsibility it never comes to pass because "it is too soon", "dad isn't that bad". I ended up taking the license away, moving him out of his home and recently from independent living to memory care. I knew for months he needed to be moved. They wanted to patch it together by each of us taking a different day visiting and taking him to appointments.
    The elephant was in the room and sitting on their laps. I told them I was scouting memory care options and there were tears and offers (offers only) to do more but we couldn't "lock dad up". Tears and guilt (theirs) which just made me fume. It is a delay tactic. A week ago on my sisters watch she called dad to say she couldn't make it to dinner. He must have misunderstood because from what we can tell he went and sat out front at 5:30 and was still there at 11P. Then Monday night he wandered away and got lost. When I found out Tuesday morning I contacted one of the places I had visited and got him in that day. I had him moved in three hours. NO help from my siblings who were ringing their hands and clutching their pearls.
    I have a great sense of peace because I know he is in capable (trained) hands 24/7. I will now be able to be a daughter who visits when I wish as opposed to a reluctant caregiver who didn't want the job. My dh had a stroke four years ago and I deal with that at home and this has been too much. Dementia is a sad thing. My mom was unreasonable when she had her marbles and even more so I the end. Dad was reasonable (but absent) when he had his marbles and is easy going even with dementia.
    I wanted to preserve a relationship with my siblings after my parents were gone but honestly it is going to be a push. All along the process I have told them that I care about their feelings and appreciate their input but when it is time to bust a move I'm not waiting for them to be comfortable with it. Not knowing what to do is no excuse for doing nothing. Guilt should not paint you into a corner. I have never had a problem saying no.
    I have been careful to tell them that I would never interfere with any kind of relationship they have with dad. My sister is peeved that everything isn't even and that my brother doesn't put in his time. I don't care. I really don't. I have the responsibility to make sure that he is cared for but I know that it is more than I can handle. There is no guilt for turning it over. The two of them will have to come to terms on it in their own way. I'm not babysitting their feelings.
    Be clear about what you are willing and not willing to do. Lather, rinse, repeat. If they act the martyr then point out that there are other choices and you are not one of them.
    Thanks for this post. The last sentence says it all. I have set my boundaries and hope they were listening. Mother is a damaged creature who gave all her children life long problems. It has taken many years to sort all this out.

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