Mil and Christmas gifts

[Chicken lady]

So, it's that time of year again (actually past time, she's been good this year!) when my mil starts calling me with horrible suggestions of things she has found that she wants to buy me for Christmas because I have not given her any ideas.

She has a complicated formula for determining how much money you spend on each family member in order to express the correct amount of affection, and if I don't reach "daughter in law" level with my requests, I will get random items sometimes copied from the other daughter in law's list. Also there must be the same number of packages, so some years, you get something like a candy bar wrapped up in fancy paper to create balance.

She has selected an expensive woodstove top fan as my first item. I guess that's ok. Maybe it will work. It will be fun to explain the science to 7 y.o. Heart grandson anyway.

i promised to work on ideas this weekend. So far I asked dh what he thought about a bike helmet (I want to start riding again) and he said "I have one you can use." New folding chairs (ours are ripping at the edges) and he said "we just got all those chairs with your grandparent's table. Get rid of them."

then he he suggested clothes. I told him I need to clean out my closet and the odds of my finding new clothes I like that she can order from a catalog are really low and she will substitute stuff. I am going to give her the website to order me a couple of new school t-shirts for work. Some of mine are getting pretty worn.

i should not have bought my lotion bars at the fair. I'll try to remember that for next year.

any ideas for useful/consumable stuff that can be wrapped?

[flowerseverywhere]

Food

as in coffee or tea, nuts, specialty cheeses, good quality chocolate, spices

the good thing about asking for that is if she gives you something that you don't want you can easily share with friends or drop it at a food bank.

[iris lilies]

Food

as in coffee or tea, nuts, specialty cheeses, good quality chocolate, spices

the good thing about asking for that is if she gives you something that you don't want you can easily share with friends or drop it at a food bank.

I like that, but let's see if MIL likes it.

Many times gifters do not like giving consumables, it is not a gift in their mind if it isnt some useless piece of crap that sits around your house where they can see it.

[Tybee]

Why don't you explain that you are trying to downsize your possessions, and that you would really like gift cards to x, y, and z. X, y, and z can be grocery stores, restaurants, or art supply stores. That way, she can wrap the gift cards and she can feel that she is treating you fairly, and you can get something you need.

BTW, I think that it is very nice that your mil wants to give you a gift and tries to make it fair. Maybe you can cut her a little slack and assume she has a positive intent, and honor that.

[Chicken lady]

Tybee, there is a long and complicated history involved. Also, not a huge helping of actual affection or altruism - one year I got yelled at for not overlapping our visit with the rest of the family, not because she wanted us all to be together, but because "nobody will see you open your gifts!"

also, the complicated formula includes what gifts we are supposed to buy her.

she knows I am trying to downsize. She would love to help because she thinks I have horrible taste and bad hobbies and 80% of the stuff in my house could go. She often offers to replac things I love with "something decent." Sometimes this works out, I now have two really nice stainless steel cookie sheets. I kept the pizza stone though. I just use them for cookies.

[Tybee]

I think its tough to be a MIL. as I have been one and had two dil's and I always wanted to be fair, treat them both with equal concern and affection. Now one son is divorced and we really examine our actions--did we show equal affection, did we hurt the situation? I have been astonished how difficult it is to be a mil, and how the cards are stacked against one, and how social expectations are so high, but the rewards and affection coming your way are so low. You're supposed to be perfect, non-intrusive but available at all times for money, baby sitting--but basically you are perceived as a pain in the ass.

Just a view from the other side, I guess! I am really sorry that you have a troubled relatioship with your mil; my relationship with my mil was wonderful; she was agreat lady.

[Miss Cellane]

So you have to come up with both a certain number of gifts and a specific dollar amount? That's mind-boggling.

This sounds very draining, having to come up with ideas that fit your needs but also MIL's very rigid guidelines.

But those cookie sheets. Is there anything else like that in the house? Something that could use upgrading a bit? That you wouldn't mind getting rid of what you currently have, so MIL can replace it and feel happy? Mentally run through a typical day, and if there's a spot that makes you flinch, look at what you are using. For example, I used to dislike chopping vegetables, until a SIL gave me a really good knife one year. The difference a good tool makes is amazing!

How often do you see her? I admit I'd be tempted to ask for a new scarf, hat and gloves every year. And then donate them to a charity, while continuing to use the ones I liked. So many reasons you could use--lost one glove, spilled coffee on the scarf on the way to work, the goat ate the hat . . . .

It does sound as if some consumables would be acceptable, so think of little treats--a favorite kind of tea or chocolate, lotion with a specific scent, some exotic ingredient for cooking.

[Tybee]

I admit I'd be tempted to ask for a new scarf, hat and gloves every year. And then donate them to a charity, while continuing to use the ones I liked. So many reasons you could use--lost one glove, spilled coffee on the scarf on the way to work, the goat ate the hat . . . .

It does sound as if some consumables would be acceptable, so think of little treats--a favorite kind of tea or chocolate, lotion with a specific scent, some exotic ingredient for cooking.

What a neat idea! If you can get into a pattern, she need never ask again, and you will be freed of that irritation.
In my family, LL Bean certificates are our go-to for this.

[razz]

I am another with the consumables - like cake in a cup, etc that can be used for emergencies or at work. These are showy for gift-opening and easily given to others when their need is presented. I am seeing soup mixes in a jar, spices for different occasions etc. There are a lot of these today so others here may have seen many more to suggest. When the container is no longer needed, donate it.

[Tybee]

Get a Watkins catalogue and mark up what spices you would like! The spices are the best.

https://www.jrwatkins.com/assets/JRW...rror_MAINT.jpg