What should I give my cousin for her birthday?

[catherine]

Situation Part 1:
I have a cousin who is one week older than I--therefore, her birthday is this coming Saturday and she will be 70. We are very close--but it's the hardly-ever-see-each-other kind of close. She lives in CT. She has spent her whole life basically living with, and then caring for, her mother, who died 3 months ago at age 97. She is processing this loss. Compounding the loss of her mother is the loss of income. She lives very close to the bone as a piano teacher, and she relied on her mother's SS to make ends meet. Her only other source of income is a reverse mortgage she and her mother took on a few years ago so that they could stay in the beautiful old farmhouse they've lived in for decades.

Situation Part 2
When the kids told me they wanted to have a party for me I originally told them I wanted immediate family only. No big deal. Nada. But then I thought about Cousin A, and how we haven't had our biannual "reunions" with our other cousins that we used to have which were usually engineered by our aunts who are now deceased or nearly so. So my big brainstorm was, let's get the cousins back together! This would a) enable us to have a family reunion of sorts which would be awesome--I've missed them so much! and b) we could celebrate both birthdays (mine and Cousin A's). I even told Cousin about this to clear it with her before proceeding with invitations.

Situation and Dilemma, Part 3
So, DH is managing this party, and after Cousin A seemed interested, I asked DH to invite the 6 cousins and spouses that still live in the Northeast. 3 of them, plus two of my brothers, are able to come, which is great! We didn't hear from Cousin A, so I reached out to her and she sent back a note: "It's too much for me now. Thank you for your love and friendship." So, it will still be great to see the other cousins as far as I'm concerned, but frankly, if I had known she would decline, I would have kept the party immediate family.

Question
I feel so bad for her being in her situation without her mother on her 70th birthday. Her spiritual beliefs mean that she really doesn't believe in birthdays anyway, but still... I asked her how she would be spending her birthday, and she said, "Quietly." About 40% of me wants to drive down to CT and see her and bring her lunch or take her out to lunch. If I don't do that, I need to send her something, but what? If you were in her situation, what would you love to get? I'm thinking of going to the little artist co-op store a mile from my house and buying her something personal--like a handmade scarf or necklace and writing a nice card. Then just calling her/Facetiming her on Saturday. Or I could call one of her local restaurants and have them deliver something nice. IDK.

[ToomuchStuff]

Why not get a local store to deliver some cupcakes (mini birthday cakes)?

[catherine]

Why not get a local store to deliver some cupcakes (mini birthday cakes)?

Wow, that's a great idea!

[Tybee]

I think I would go with the 40% of me and drive down and take her to lunch.
And happy upcoming birthday--Social Security, yeah!

[catherine]

Tybee, I agree that that would mean the most to her. Believe it or not it's a 5 hour drive from here (I always find it surprising that Vermont takes so long to drive through). That's my only barrier, but I'm sure I could stay overnight and come back on Sunday morning. I do have to give it serious consideration. Thanks for the nudge.

[Tybee]

It would just be so special, and I am feeling very sentimental because I have been working on my family albums, the years from birth to marriage, and I realize how finite our time together is. That's all.

[nswef]

If you are willing to drive, I'd go see her. One on one time with a favorite cousin is fantastic. And you can hug her in person!!! I'd stay at a hotel unless she wants you to stay there. Processing death and loss of income is horribly debilitating, so she may be glad of a short visit but not 24 hours. Just my opinion.

[jp1]

It may be that her birthday is just another reminder of her mom's death that she would just as soon ignore, especially if she's not typically pro-birthday to begin with. Maybe do the original party with everyone else and arrange a visit with solo CT cousin the following week sometime. That way you've avoided it being a potentially depressing day for her, plus you'll be loaded with stories/pictures from the party that you can share with her to help remind her that life is, overall, good, rather than focusing on discussing the loss of her mother.

[catherine]

Thanks for all these great suggestions... I don't know if Cousin A and are not only close but telepathic, because she just called me saying that she is considering coming to the party IF NOBODY brings up her birthday or her mother, and IF she can get a ride up from CT with someone without putting them out.

If those stars align, she may come on up. But she has bailed last minute for other occasions, so we'll see. If she makes it up there, that's awesome and I'll skip the visit this weekend. If she doesn't, I'll take jp's suggestion and visit her after the party. And if I do, I'll stay somewhere else, because I agree with nswef--she is definitely introverted and so am I. In the meantime, I think I'm going to send her Wicked Good Cupcakes (TMS suggestion--modified--not local, but I like that they are delivered in a box, so if she doesn't answer the door to a delivery, they'll be fine on the porch) to arrive Friday or Saturday.

This is great! Thanks to y'all, I think I have a plan!

[JaneV2.0]

She may just want to be alone.