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Thread: How to reassure BIL (and stay sane in the process)

  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    He is freaking because doing so has worked before every time and someone rescued him. I agree with the suggestion to get him signed into a low-income home waiting list now.
    If you provide a roof and food now, you will be doing it infinitum unless some other plan is put in place now. Set boundaries and stick to them.
    +1

  2. #42
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    You too will go broke helping him. "getting him back to healthy" will not happen. He is the perfect victim actor. He moved from Mom to you/brother. You too are an enabler. He is not your responsibility. You have a choice. Do it or don't do it. You don't sound like you're rolling in dough. YOUR retirement comes first and it sounds like you are far from prepared for it.

    Tough love. Your DH is right. I would not go behind his back for your BIL.

  3. #43
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    I can only go on the bits I have picked up from previous posts about your family situation. Could it be that you gain a sense of purpose for being the provider in the household? Or could it be your Catholic background fosters a lot of guilt over such decisions? I would say do what you need to do to help him find another "provider" and move on.

  4. #44
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    Many people that retire do not do it by choice but are forced to by health problems. Any day something could happen making it impossible for you to work and you would have to survive on your assets and SS. Can you do that? When you lend $ to people they grow to resent you in the long run. If you force someone into MH treatment it does not work. Do not be a burden to your kids in your old age by giving your $ to him. No, no and no!!

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    Many people that retire do not do it by choice but are forced to by health problems. Any day something could happen making it impossible for you to work and you would have to survive on your assets and SS. Can you do that? When you lend $ to people they grow to resent you in the long run. If you force someone into MH treatment it does not work. Do not be a burden to your kids in your old age by giving your $ to him. No, no and no!!
    This is such a good point. Making decisions that are okay as long as nothing changes is generally not a good plan. And for what it's worth, I agree with those who say it wouldn't be a loan. How could it be? Sounds like there is little chance of him having money in the future.

    Also, I'm not sure if anyone said "eep" about the idea of lending BIL money without DH's knowledge. I think that is a truly dangerous idea. From what you've mentioned about BIL asking DH to drive BIL to the hospital on a day when he truly should not have been doing so, it sounds like your DH's health is not BIL's priority. Pretty fair bet that he won't put your relationship with your partner all that high on the scale of things he's worried about either. "Well, she lent me money before..." i hear him say.

    I sound a bit adamant. I've had a leaning nephew, a leaning brother and a kind of leaning BIL, and in my experience giving or loaning them money accomplished nothing good.

  6. #46
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    OK, so you guys think I should definitely give him the money, right?

    JK!!!!

    I'm getting clear signals. No money. Look after myself. Got it.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    OK, so you guys think I should definitely give him the money, right?

    JK!!!!

    I'm getting clear signals. No money. Look after myself. Got it.
    Catherine, i'm glad you're keeping your sense of humour about this! I have a vision of a long line of forum members taking turns coming up to the podium/leaping on the soapbox/rehearsing their most convincing lines...

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