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Thread: How to reassure BIL (and stay sane in the process)

  1. #21
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    There is a community called the villages that sounds wonderful and they have a ton of stuff going on everyday. Problem is that I hate, hate, hate Florida weather. I have been to Miami in Dec and twice to Tampa in April and it was so hot and humid that it was terrible. I would never go outside and I love going outside.

  2. #22
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    There is a community called the villages that sounds wonderful and they have a ton of stuff going on everyday. Problem is that I hate, hate, hate Florida weather. I have been to Miami in Dec and twice to Tampa in April and it was so hot and humid that it was terrible. I would never go outside and I love going outside.
    I live in the villages and it is far from a low income area. All free standing homes, no apartments or condos. Fabulous place.
    There are many low income towns and trailer parks all over the south.



    It also seems a funny piece of advice to have him find some rich woman to support him. Kind of like the advice women used to get. Remember the phrase "gold diggers".

    I agree with all the posters who have said not to commit to having him live and be supported by you the rest of his life. You need to protect your sanity and your future.
    Last edited by flowerseverywhere; 2-2-17 at 7:59am.

  3. #23
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flowerseverywhere View Post


    It also seems a funny piece of advice to have him find some rich woman to support him. Kind of like the advice women used to get. Remember the phrase "gold diggers".
    I know.. I'm not truly into opportunistic romance whether it's the man or woman "digging"--it just wouldn't be a bad thing for him to find a nice life companion--for many reasons.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  4. #24
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    How do you make someone rational that is irrational? If you find out something universal that works, please let me know. Until he becomes rational, decides HE has to face up to whatever comes and pulls his head out of his , all of your and suggestions, are going to make a WOOSH sound, going by him.

  5. #25
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    Flowers: I know it is not low income. I looked into the prices. I was talking about me and not her brother.

  6. #26
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    Flowers: I know it is not low income. I looked into the prices. I was talking about me and not her brother.
    That makes more sense now. Prices here can be crazy. We bought at the bottom of the market. Some parts of Florida are still recovering. Here it is Groundhog Day and I am sitting outside in shorts listening to the birds sing. Loving it here.

  7. #27
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Update: Good news and bad news.
    Open House tomorrow: our listing agent is thrilled with how the house looks and expects it to sell quickly at a price that we think is very reasonable.

    Bad news: This is likely to go long because it's a crazy story.

    My DH had his regular medical outpatient procedure Tuesday. He didn't check with me when he scheduled, and I had to be out of town, so he asked BIL to drive him to and from the hospital. The procedure involves anesthesia and he leaves the hospital on pain killers so he absolutely can't drive himself.

    So I called in between interviews to see how things were going. At around 11:00, BIL reports that he had just dropped my DH home, but that HE (BIL) was going to the emergency room because his heart didn't feel right. I told him to do what he felt he needed to do.

    I didn't imagine that he was going to ask DH--who just CAME from the hospital and is not supposed to drive--to drive HIM to the hospital. (This is what I mean when I say that BIL is "a little off"). I was so angry, and just completely in disbelief at his lack of sensitivity to my husband's condition. DH, even though he was recuperating, agreed to drive him and stayed with him all day. (side note: BIL never even thanked him or asked him how HE was doing.)

    Plus, his excessive anxiety about money has been leading to manipulative lines of conversation designed to compel us to offer him money, as I stated earlier, so we're thinking this is another ploy for sympathy, albeit extreme.

    Well.. his blood pressure was 225/114! After evaluation/EKG it's been determined he's had extremely high blood pressure for years, because he has an enlarged heart and thickened muscles. He's out of the hospital now and on a medication regimen. He keeps crying out that he can't afford medication and this will be the only month he can get them--even though he has Obamacare and paid ZERO for the 4 meds he got. I've since had read that chronic high BP can cause mental confusion and fogginess, so things are becoming clearer to me in that regard. Unfortunately the fogginess feeds the anxiety and fear.

    He has $5k left in two retirement accounts (one about $3k and the other 2k). My DH is ADAMANT that we stop enabling him and allow him to close out all of his accounts to pay his living expenses.

    OTOH, in my mind, this situation is a bit of a game-changer. I now feel that if anxiety is playing any part in his extremely high BP readings (which have not gotten much better, but he has two appointments with a primary care doc and cardiologist next week), I would be willing to give him a "bridge loan" in the amount of ONE of those accounts to save him having to close it out. I'd get the money back at closing. I think about my generous MIL and "what would she want us to do?" Yes, she enabled him to his demise, but I'm just talking about getting him healthy and then moving on from there. I'd maybe attach conditions to the loan, like mandatory Dave Ramsey podcasts, going to a psychiatrist and maybe taking mindfulness stress-reduction classes. (there's a free one coming up in a couple of weeks.)

    I'm a bit hesitant to broach this to DH because he is much more the "tough love" type, and I also think there are a few negative feelings in there as well--not jealousy, but typical sibling rivalry stuff, which plays out in his frustration and anger when dealing with his brother. He's likely to get angry that I'm even bringing it up.

    Do I talk to DH? Do I offer the bridge loan? Am I being too soft? If he has a stroke before the house sells, I'm going to wonder if the money worries had any part of that, and could I have done something about it? You have to understand, that he truly is "not all there" when it comes to dealing with his fears.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  8. #28
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Praise the Lord Jesus that your DH is adament you all will stop giving his brother money. That is 90% of the battle.

    Looking at this as a big picture without any details, it boils down to: catherine is thinking about giving away her money again. If we think the Big Picture is too simplistic to be useful in making this decision, ok, just keep it on the back of your mind. Money isnt the real problem here, and money will not solve it.

    i wrote more below and then deleted it because I don't think details matter at this point.

    If you give him money, it will be for you, not for him. That isnt a bad thing to do, just own what you are doing.

  9. #29
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    If DH is adamant that you not give him money, then do not give him money, either as a gift or a loan. This is the simplest way to look at the problem, and probably the easiest for all involved.
    I am so sorry he is sick, and yes, no doubt the stress of his financial situation is a big factor in his getting sick. He may actually be in a better position with no money getting sick, if that makes sense. The system seems to be set up to help people with no money, or bankrupt everyone else to get to that point.

    So if you give him more money, then you are just bankrupting himself. The help is available to him because he has no money, and now is sick. Let him use the Obamacare he has and do not start giving him money, because it will never be enough, and you really do not want more responsibility for him. The system will help him and get him medication, etc.

    I would urge him to get into Catholic Charities and get counseling, and they can help him with issues like housing, too.

    And I truly feel for the poor guy, as money worries are horrible, especially when you are sick. But it's not like worrying is going to get him better or solve the money problems.
    To me, it is like hitting financial bottom. If you keep feeding him money, it will take longer to hit financial bottom, and your money will be gone, and you need to get yourself out of debt, for your own financial future.

    Please take care of yourself here--you can't afford to get sick too.

  10. #30
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    One more thing--

    "I think about my generous MIL and "what would she want us to do?" Yes, she enabled him to his demise, but I'm just talking about getting him healthy and then moving on from there. I'd maybe attach conditions to the loan, like mandatory Dave Ramsey podcasts, going to a psychiatrist and maybe taking mindfulness stress-reduction classes. (there's a free one coming up in a couple of weeks.)"

    I think this is a good sign that this is the wrong thing to do, that MIL would have done it. If she enabled him to his demise, do not continue to enable him.
    Conditions on the loan are not going to work. He is not your child, and you are not his legal guardian.

    And I you are trying to do all this out of your kindness and concern for him, and that is wonderful, I get that.

    But no, if you ask yourself what would mil do and this is it, then don't do it.

    That's my advice, anyway.

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