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Thread: Wedding sadness when there should be joy. (long but an update)

  1. #1
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    Wedding sadness when there should be joy. (long but an update)

    I watched the Royal Wedding this morning. It was such a wonderful joyous thing. I didn't intend to wake up for it. I woke up because my own daughter's wedding coming up in 4 weeks has resulted in a terrible situation that keeps me awake.

    On the old boards I posted a dillemma with this wedding. I'm an identicle twin and extremely close to my sister. She and my BIL have literally been second parents to my daughter for a lot of reasons. They are a huge part of the wedding. We have a brother who is 8 years older than we are. From age 8 till 11 my sister was brutally and routinely sexually abused by my brother. She hasn't spoken to him in well over 30 years, except for an encounter about 15 years ago where he told her she enjoyed it and to get over it. I was there.

    My mom started a campaign to get my brother invited to the wedding. She wanted me to send him an invitation and he'd drive my mom there but he wouldn't come in he'd just wait in the car. Yeah right. I sought advice from these boards (old version) and the concensus was unanimous. If I sent an invite he'd be there in an instant. And without question if that happened my sister would leave and my mom knew it.

    Taking a poster on these boards advice that NO is a complete sentence, I told my mom no. She told me to think about it. She was all excited and was going to come to her only grand-daughter's wedding no matter what. When he didn't get an invitation and she told me to send another one I told her he wasn't invited. Several days later she called to say she was not attending, she was too feeble. (mind you she goes to excercise class four days a week)

    I called her on the fact that as long as my brother was driving her here she wasn't too feeble but as soon as I said no to him, she said no to attending and that her choice was obvious. She went into a complete rage at me. (on the phone at my job). I called her later that night from home and she proceeded to tell me I was uppity, a goody two shoes, I'd never done anything for her in my life, I was a liar, I was manipulative etc. She mocked me by saying in a snearing insulting voice "You're such a good mom", indicating that I thought I was a better mom than her.

    You know what? I am a better mom than her. And I told her so. What kind of mother inflicts a pedophile (my sister wasn't the only victim) who was abusing her own daughter on her grand-daughter's wedding knowing what havoc it will cause. Her total adoration for that son of hers blinds her to everything else. And she was willing to use my daughter's wedding to throw my sister under the bus. And my daughter and I are just fodder.

    So while I was watching the wedding this morning I found myself sad and angry. A time that should have been joyous for me has ended up being the thing that made me finally cut all ties with my mother. It was a long time coming. She's never really liked my sister or I. I really think she resents my sister for sullying her son and she sees us as one in the same. She hasn't been to my home in over ten years. Prior to that she'd only been there twice in the prior five years in spite of constant invitations and my willingness to drive her there.

    The weird thing is that I am mourning the loss of my mom. It feels almost like she's dead. It took a wedding to finally find out what she thought of me all along. The only family member of mine at the wedding will be my sister and her husband. The groom will have approximately 50 family members. It's going to be a very difficult day for me and that really makes me mad.

  2. #2
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    I remember you writing about that. I really think you made the right decision.
    You know what would have happened if you'd made the wrong decision. You need to remember that this was your mother's choice.
    You and your sister are the only victims in this no matter what blame she tries to toss your way.
    I think it's ok to mourn the loss of what your mom could have been.
    Maybe you could take a little time to mourn that loss. Maybe something as simple as writing down a list of what you wish your mom had been and including on the list the good things you remember. Set the list free - burn it and work thru those feelings.
    Then fully enjoy the right decision you made. The wedding will be much more enjoyable.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Dhiana's Avatar
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    Charity - You SHOULD be mourning the loss of your mom! It is not weird at all. She is a toxic person in your life and even though she is not physically dead, the hope/dream you had of a wonderful supportive mother is dead.
    Mourn as you need to.
    Support your sister but remember to still have a wonderful time at the wedding. Cherish what you do have.

    I'd have kicked her out of my life years ago!
    ((HUGS))

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    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Dhiana +1

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    Charity, I don't know your age, but it has taken my sisters and I years, we are 55 and 52, to finally start cutting our mother out of our life. Unfortunately, the ability to love and be a mother are not requirements for reproduction. As children we thought everyone lived as we did, abused physically and emotionally. It was not until we started spending time at friend's houses that we discovered how unlucky we were. We all married early and got out of the house as soon as we could, but endured her comments about us and our children and husbands for years. I now only call her about once monthly to check on her, she is 75. Called her last night to check because of the terrible storms in our area. I know the day is coming when she will need some kind of hands on care, but do not know if I can endure this. When you realize that you can step back from them and take care of the family you love, it will be better. You have made a good and moral decision. +1

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    Of course you are mourning, you are mourning the loss of a dream that somehow you would have a mother worthy of your love and relationship. It is very sad, but your mother clearly has made the choice to stick with the pedophile, and sadly, may have enabled him and covered for him in situations other than your sister. Very sad. Much much healthier for you to have made the decision you did, given your mother a chance to choose, and now that she has, you can mourn the loss of what you hoped she would be, recognize the person that she really is, and go on with your life.

    thankfully, you have your sister, your family, and I, for one, hope that this wedding is as wonderful for you as it can possibly be, and that there is no loss at all from the absence of your mother and brother. In real life, some people truly are toxic, and when it is no longer possible to ignore that fact, you have to draw the line and remove them from your life. Of course it's sad. It's sad that your mother is who she is, but you can't change her or your brother, all you can do is change your interaction with them, which is what you've done. Good for you!!!

    Best wishes to your daughter for her wedding, and best wishes to you, as well, for having been a much better mother to your children than your own mother was to you. Often when one has toxic parents, that is hard. And as Tenngal said, producing biological children does not a "mother" make, and clearly your mother is no mother, in the true sense of the word.

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    Thanks everyone. This whole thing happened a month ago and I finally needed to get it out with someone other than my sister.

    Tenngal, ironically my sister and I are 53. Maybe our brains finally fully develop when we hit 50.

    Believe it or not, on my own wedding day 25 years ago, my mom picked a fight with my sister and ruined that day for me. At 3am on my wedding night I had to drive her back to the airport so she could go home in a hissy fit. My sister didn't talk to her for 12 years after that. During that entire time I had my mom and my brother and his family over for every holiday, so my mom could have a semblance of a "family". I tolerated my brother during that time for her sake. But when she decided to risk wrecking my daughters wedding, that was the last straw.

    It's a struggle for me because I too know she is going to need hands on care at some point and my brother is not going to be the one to provide it. It's hard to just cut off that concern. He has total control of her money and there will not be any left by the time she needs care. I was always the one that was worried about it. I think she realizes this, because now she leaves me teary eyed messages on my answering machine. Thanks to her real opinion of me finally being exposed, I realize that these messages aren't about missing me the person. After all, who wants to have a relationship with a lying, uppity, goody two shoes. It's fear over who is going to take care of her because she knows I was the one who would do it. It never occured to her that I'd walk away.

    I do not listen to these messages. I hit erase at the first syllable. Right now I am concentrating getting through this wedding and I have to force myself not to get sucked in by what is surely manipulation on her part.

  8. #8
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    Do not worry about your Mom. She will have Medicaid that will provide for her.

    You need to take care of your family and the grandkids that surely will come to bless you. Be everything for them.

  9. #9
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    I am so sorry this awful situation has come up in your family. As people often say, we can pick our friends but we can't pick our family. Your mother was very unfair to insist that your brother attend the wedding. As someone else mentioned, these are two very toxic people that you don't need in your life. This is in no way your fault. You have been left with no choice. You have been pushed into a corner and came out defending your sister who has suffered much. Be proud of yourself and how you have stood up to a bully of a mother. Good luck!!!

  10. #10
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    you absolutely did the right thing. and yes, you are a better mother. if your mother is aware of what your brother did, then she is complicit. and that is seriously, seriously evil. it's not just an error. it's not just bad. it is *evil.* call it what it is, you know?

    it is also normal to grieve. to not kid yourself -- you are grieving far more than the loss of your relationship with your mother, you're also mourning the fact that you never really had a good one to begin with, one who did not choose you or to even barely protect your beloved sister from predation, and a woman who *would not have protected your own daughter*. that is terrible. it is a terrible thing to truly realize and consider.

    definitely, absolutely grieve it. everyone deserves a good mom. many people don't get one. you didn't. luckily, your daughter did (and your sister got a good sister too).

    also, it's ok to enjoy the wedding thoroughly. do do do enjoy the wedding. i'm sure it will be wonderful.

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