mom getting older,

[Zoe Girl]

My mom is 74 now, and we have our normal range mother/daughter bickering. I take it seriously but it also is really not that serious. The trends have been that she does not really listen well, likes to be in control a lot, and avoids emotions. I have talked to my best friend and we think a lot is generational and then also personality.

So now she is getting older, I don't think that old. I am seeing some small mental changes. She told my sister that she is forgetting some things and my dad is not being very nice about it. She manages an amazing amount of stuff and always has. Sooner or later she will slow down in some way. And I am d** sure I am the last person she will talk to, even though I am the most likely to be able to support in some way. The latest is that we are taking a super fast trip to Iowa. I mentioned to my mom that my future SIL and I both really like to do all the driving so we would need to negotiate. Next thing I get a text that my dad can drive from Iowa to pick us up and back. Basically 4 days of driving, and I have NO CLUE why. So I texted back that it was very generous and we would be fine. When I asked on the phone later she wouldn't really answer. Long before this we have had communication odd-nesses. Things like talking about my friend visiting and our trip to the tea factory and buying a special tea. My mom called the next day saying she was looking for the tea to send to my friend. Again NO CLUE, I just said we went to buy it.

I am not sure when this becomes an issue,

[Teacher Terry]

sounds like more of natural aging in forgetting things and control issues about the texting. I read that dementia can start with doing weird things like putting your car keys in the refrigerator. Most in my family lived to be old and were sharp forever so I would not jump to the conclusion that she will do otherwise.

[Yppej]

My parents are both 75+ now and insistent about wanting to do things for their three grown children though we do not need help. My dad has expressed this is what gives them pleasure, to nurture people they love since their time on earth is limited. For instance, every time I go to their house they want to send some type of food they got a good deal on home with me. This happened well before I lost my job too, and also happens to my brothers.

[catherine]

My parents are both 75+ now and insistent about wanting to do things for their three grown children though we do not need help. My dad has expressed this is what gives them pleasure, to nurture people they love since their time on earth is limited. For instance, every time I go to their house they want to send some type of food they got a good deal on home with me. This happened well before I lost my job too, and also happens to my brothers.

Gee, I do that.. when I go to Costco and we get a good deal on a things, I'll send some stuff home with my son/DIL. They don't seem to mind. It didn't occur to me that it might be an unwanted gesture. They tell me if they don't want/need it, and I'm not offended.

During my mother's post-stroke years when she was living in assisted living and getting a very low amount of discretionary funds for herself, she would go through the Sunday papers and clip coupons for me. It was the only way she could give me "money." Every now and then there would be a $5 bill in the envelope. Of course I didn't "need" that $5, but I treasured those envelopes of coupons and small amounts of cash, because I knew that was her way of sending me her love.

[Zoe Girl]

My mom ran a senior daycare for people with dementia for 12 years, built it from the ground up. So she always says she does not want to be a burden so she will be very insistent on not needing anything from me. Honestly as long as there is the funds available I am okay, I just don't have money to offer.

I think I am pretty understanding about their need to do things for me, but sometimes they could take credit for raising people who can take care of themselves. I have been known to send things back with her or tell her to put it in my car for goodwill. That was back in the days of 2 full trash bags of hand me down clothes. But I am feeling like using a gentler tone these days, trust me it had to be a direct assertive tone for many years. I still didn't stop on all the things that really mattered to me, but made a dent!

So here is the deep thought, where does this line fall of understanding and taking care of their feelings and having our own feelings and needs? My grandmother is still going strong mentally, and physically she just has bad knees. So they could be around for 25 more years, which is great but also needs some negotiation. I have noticed that they need a lot more contact with me, they are visiting Colorado a lot between me and my sister (4-5 times a year). I even pointed out the retirement community down the street from me that is very nice and my mom paid attention. I know they are staying close to my grandmother right now, but my mom also wanted to be in Iowa for her siblings. My favorite aunt and my mom are not best buddies actually. Maybe in a few years they will come back to Colorado.

[catherine]

I think I am pretty understanding about their need to do things for me, but sometimes they could take credit for raising people who can take care of themselves.

I have no idea of the dynamic between your mother and you, so I can't judge, but I would guess that your mom is fully aware that you are an adult with many experiences that have enabled you to be a fully functioning human being.. and she's probably just being a mom. I'm sure it can be irritating. Relationships between parents and children are hard-wired to be irritating, but try not to take it personally. Remember the cycle of life--now that my mother is not around to irritate me, I miss her greatly, and also, now I'm in the position of hoping I'm not irritating my 31 year old daughter.

[razz]

Is it possible that your mom from whom you have received a lot of support over the years your have posted has really enjoyed feeling needed? Is it possible that she sees your dad as needing some motivation and sense of being needed?
You are seeing her world through your lenses, are you not? Could you find out more about her lenses on life.

[Zoe Girl]

well of course I see things through my eyes! I tend to see more points of view and am very curious about them. Things that probably come from my mom's generation like telling me to quit jobs, things about feeling connected like buying me clothes in her size, being annoyed at my food preferences, etc. The thing is that it is much easier to see things through her lens when she answers questions,

So funny thing is my sister happened to ask my mom about this driving out thing while they were talking, just casual. Turns out my dad just needs things to do. That makes sense, my parents think I have too many or weird hobbies (in a good funny way) maybe I can teach him crochet!

[Yppej]

Catherine, not so much unwanted - they are items I can and do use - as I feel bad they are on a fixed income and doing it.

[messengerhot]

My mom turned 79 and is also forgetful. There are several types of forgetfulness in older people but some are diagnosed by the so called "Demetia" This is not normal to elderly and it can become a problem. Most signs are disorientation , severe loss of memory of places and things, changes in moods and loss of initiatives.