You only control yourself, not him. It's his house too. It's demeaning toward him for you to think that you can control his shopping choices. He is not your child.
One of those thoughts might make sense for you as you process this. Those are the ideas that came to me as I read your post.
I did not nag him. I did not even bring it up. The point was not the apples specifically. The point was that there was a whole conversation, that resulted in a plan we made TOGETHER to make some changes that matter to me, and they matter so little to him that he can't even remember them, which is frustrating to me because it would be nice if he remembered things that are important to me and cared enough to follow through, and he does in the big things, generally because they require a one time action. But in the little things, he pretty much has no follow through at all.
He has mowed my raspberry canes down 7 times at three houses in 25 years. He has moved the stakes I put up to remind him not to mow (after he said "well, I didn't see them, why don't you put up some stakes?) because they were in the way of mowing. And then he has actually asked "why don't we have any raspberries (fruit) this year?" It's just who he is.
my point was simply that the partner I am walking my life path with is sometimes a drag in the wrong direction rather than help carrying my load. Commenting on it was both an act of awareness and a vent. (He has adapted to the no trash service very well. He now hands me every piece of "trash" he generates or leaves it on the nearest surface - even though we still have wastebaskets. I think it's his attempt to point out that I am being stupid, but it works great for me, because I am now sorting out the recycling and compost before I discover I have a wastebasket full of mail, a water bottle, and coffee grounds.)
and it really is a sign of ignoring ME. We have had a vegetarian son in law for almost a year. NOW dh reads the labels of prepared food if he cooks for sil. He still doesn't read them if he cooks for me, and he still gets his feeling hurt when I don't eat the thing he made that has lard in it.
in any case, our relationship is generally very good. I wasn't looking for advice on it, it was more of a "I'm trying to grow an organic garden without harming any wildlife and I thought I had fenced out the rabbits, but i forgot that rabbits come in different sizes and one ate all my beans" type comment. You would then either sympathize or offer ideas that I could implement to protect my beans or things I could grow that rabbits don't eat or other places to get organic beans. I've already decided to leave the rabbit alone, and there's no changing it's nature.
You sound frustrated. You say, "I think it's his attempt to point out that I am being stupid"--do you think that is the message he is trying to get across to you, that he thinks you are being stupid? What do you think he is trying to say (via behavior, I mean)?Originally Posted by Chicken lady
I post that because my first husband used to call me things like worthless and stupid, and became extremely emotionally abusive as time wore on, and was physically abusive to my children, and I had to get a protective order against him at the end because he was stalking me. It started with control and worked up from there. So I tend to be overly sensitive to power dynamics in a relationship.
It would have been nice if we could have turned things around much earlier, if that might have been possible.
Anyway, it's always good to think about whether you want to be with someone or not, and it's always good to think about what they are trying to tell you, and what they want out of the relationship, along with what you want out of the relationship/
He is much happier with Wife number 3, so it all worked out fine!
My point wasn't that you nag - I understand it's a vent.
My point was more toward your own thoughts and emotions.
1. It's a waste of your life energy to try to change him ("agreement" sounds more like your own plan that he doesn't care enough about to remember)
and 2. It's a shared life and property and his "forgetting" sounds like a passive aggressive way for him to let you know that he doesn't agree (you say that he intentionally leaves trash on surfaces to show his disagreement).
So my biggest point I guess is that it's not your stuff and life, it's both of yours. His quiet resistance shows his lack of agreement.
I am like you in wanting a simple no-waste life etc. My husband buys more stuff - but still a lot less than most people. But more than me. I'm on the extreme end of things. And I've had to tell myself many times since 1981 that "this is his house and life too. Stop trying to make him just like me. He is an adult. He. An choose his own path . I am only responsible for me. I am not responsible for my entire household."
Oh, I get being frustrated with a mate you love. My DH is fairly messy and sometimes I want to kill him. However, I remind myself that he also puts up with me and that I also do annoying things. Your DH would probably like a cleaner, neater, less stuff house but he has picked you so he is not getting it. Marriage is about compromise. I think you have become excessive about your footprint, etc. I recycle etc but I won't turn my life upside down to do it like you do. Also men tune us out sometimes. Right after I tell my DH something he will ask me about the same thing sometimes. I get annoyed of course. But after being in 2 bad marriages I recognize a good thing when I see it.
The agreement was the result of an actual drawn out pleasant conversation. The budget concerns were actually initiated by him. But he literally forgets, it's just not in the category of things he thinks about. I think he should put it in the category things he thinks about because it should be classified as "things that are important to chickenlady". But he classifies it as "stupid s*** I don't really care about".
he doesn't call me stupid, he just thinks that cancelling the trash was stupid. I know this is what he is trying to point out non-verbally because he also points it out verbally. I am more likely to put myself down than he is, he tends to build me up. He's a good guy, just sometimes annoying.
and I don't turn my life upside down to recycle. My current system might cost me an extra ten minutes a week over never rescuing anything that was thrown in the wrong container and hauling everything up to the road and bringing the bins back, but it's also possible it takes less time. I haven't really tracked it, but it felt like a lot of wasted time trudging a tenth of a mile each way up and down the driveway and fishing the trash can kids out if the woods. Sometimes in rain or snow.
Also, I've been reminding myself that the net effect of being with dh as opposed to someone with a similar approach is significant - because dh puts a premium on his time, so faced with the opportunity of a large trash can and no intervention, everything he doesn't want in his life would simply go in it. As in evetything, from actual trash like a plastic candy wrapper to a shirt he bought that still has the tags but turned out to not match the pants he bought it to go with (and the reciept and bag are also in that hypothetical can - I am the only one who ever returns, donates, composts, or recycles, but I do it for both of us.) to things that belong to other people who left them behind by accident and will be back soon. - he gets that from his mother. I learned early on that if I had to leave the table during a meal for any reason (bathroom, crying baby, rain in the open window of my car...) my entire meal would be cleared away when I got back.
I think this train of thought that spawned this thread started with wanting to improve one's actions because one could not control much in the outside world if I remember, the larger political situation etc. (the extend to which that is true is only an extent but that's tangential to this thread). But it seems to me we can EVEN LESS control other people!
I mean you could delve down into why he doesn't care. Does he just not care about environmental issues period? Does he think one person is a drop in the ocean anyway so what does it even matter (I'm not saying it's right or wrong - ok I do care about environmental issues). Of course maybe he does CARE at some level but just doesn't have a mind for details and that's just the way it is, we can't have minds that function completely differently than however they do. Maybe he cares but the whole thing seems completely overwhelming anyway and just reminds him how hopeless it all is in the larger scheme of things and is all rather demoralizing. I suppose there are things you could do like getting all your produce from a CSA delivery or other organic local produce subscription that will lessen grocery trips where non-organic zucchini and ice cream somehow shows up. Is that the type of practical suggestion that is useful?
if he works a lot of hours this isn't even a choice, really it's not, it's a different mentality entirely and forced by circumstances, and at a certain point it becomes triage, of managing what one absolutely HAS TO to manage and letting the rest slip, maybe what has to be managed is downtime to just rest and recuperate and that actually is more important to keeping going in the day to day than recycling.Also, I've been reminding myself that the net effect of being with dh as opposed to someone with a similar approach is significant - because dh puts a premium on his time, so faced with the opportunity of a large trash can and no intervention, everything he doesn't want in his life would simply go in it.
Trees don't grow on money
I wasn't judging his priorities, just stating them. Mine are not the same, but his priorities are his, not mine.
yes, my intent is to control the things I can control by making concious decisions. But we do influence other people. His shopping decisions effect my diet. Only to the extent I allow it, but his actions have placed me in a situation where, even when I consciously choose an option, it is stil not the option I would like. That was really all. Sometimes the actions of other people limit your choices in ways you don't like, it kind of stinks when the other people in question are ones you love, end of complaint.
This week has been a bit of a roller coaster. First, there has been almost no sunlight all week, so that the first two days, when I had a lot of time to focus on things, my brain was able to make good decisions, but I couldn't find the energy and willpower to follow through on them.
Then I had a situation with a student that made me really angry (not at the student) and I made some non optimal decisions.
My work decision tree starts with "will this get me fired" - in this case, probably not. A formal reprimand is possible though, and the timing is great - annual staff evals are this month. Next step on the decision tree "will this benefit my student(s)" which is where I could have done a lot better - basically I got so focused on one major aspect of a situation that I ignored a lot of other factors that I should have taken into consideration. Had I done so the net student impact would have been more optimal, and the reprimand would have been less likely, not because I would have not done the thing that will cause it, but because the chance of being reported would have been much lower. also, I would have avoided doing the things I will be told not to do that I agree I shouldn't do, but the administration won't see as the main problem. (Gee mom, I'm really sorry I didn't fill the gas tank. Not sorry I took the car without asking, I needed it. And you would have said no.)
then I had a day off on which I reverted to coping behaviors that are bad for me instead of any of the new, positive ones I have been trying to acquire. Capped by an exhausting and somewhat overwhelming shift at the food bank. (Also even though I called people, the health care bill passed)
but yesterday on my lunch break, I got to work on a team with a student and it was one of those moments that make me think "YES! This is why I do this. This is the perfect storm where everything goes right and I really get to make a difference." The meeting was the result of months of groundwork I've been putting in with the student getting her to be receptive, and with the team members, getting them involved, prepped, and available.
of course, being me, I can't just ride that, I have to get up this morning with the first student on my mind and compare and contrast the two situations and try to figure out why I can't find the switch that shifts the first kid to a different track. (Note to self: sometimes that's because the switch is not in your control and all you can do is try to keep the kid on the tracks at all. Response to self: No. Keep looking.)
i have a flow chart on the wall of my classroom showing the path to success leading through a variable number of loops "try, succeed/fail, try again, succeed/fail better, try again, succeed/fail better..."
so here I am again. Pull focus, find a starting point, take the next step.....
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