"Feeling safe"

[LDAHL]

how a message is presented us often as important as the message itself.

But the real problem in this case seems to be how a message is received.

While I think civility is important, it's probably true that there is no way to present an idea that someone will not decide to take offense to, especially in our hypersensitive age. There seem to be some bright people devoting themselves to detecting "microaggressions" and "implicit bias" on the part of even the most well-meaning. Is there anything short of speech control that will leave them feeing safe? I'm not inclined to give them the power to set the terms of discourse.

Given a choice between limiting ourselves to some list of approved platitudes and running the risk of hurt feelings, I'm of the opinion we're better off with the hurt feelings.

[razz]

It actually is something. Here is why: It is perilous to conflate comfort with safety.

UL, in a social work setting which you supposedly are being prepared to work in, I can assure you that comfort is a huge part of feeling safe. The prof was demonstrating to each member and individually that expressing oneself freely can be comfortable and safe.

[Zoe Girl]

One of the things I am most grateful for in my life are the teachers, drill instructors, clergy, bosses and friends who made me feel "unsafe" in everything from my smugly held assumptions to my physical comfort.

I had a different experience, when I challenged I was often shut down. Totally, completely, proven that others had control and my basic needs would not be met. I am not sure how the 'unsafe' worked for you but I can't imagine wanting to go back to being this silenced, humiliated, kid or teen again. I am guessing that this unsafe for you still had some elements of being basically cared for or valued, there is so much difference possible here. So it is VERY much how we work with these different or challenging ideas. Do we actually talk to youth or do make our statement and leave them to sort it out alone? Do we notice when a person shrinks into themselves, stops engaging, shows signs of a serious problem in the middle of this or do we push on through. Do we use our best communication skills to have these talks and bring in voices, deep thoughts, etc? In college a large part of my degree was in philosophy so I do know how to disagree and argue a point and go deeply into things, I want people to learn that instead of the art of yelling louder or making more statements designed to just cause reactions.

[Tammy]

College professors are under much pressure to be sure no one is triggered. Their jobs are at stake. She probably didn't have a choice but to email you. I agree it's become ridiculous.

As an aside - if people would read the whole bible they would see that you can make it say anything. But they only want to believe that it's a book about love. It frustrates the hell out of me. I know the thing backwards and forwards in many versions. There's all kinds of problems with thinking it's all about love.

[Tybee]

Zoe, I like your post a lot, and I think you are on to several truths here. One of the things you mention is, "I want people to learn that instead of the art of yelling louder or making more statements designed to just cause reactions."
I think that some people like to act as provocateurs, and start chaos. I think it is a personality type. I think that it leads to disastrous social contretemps.
I think also that many women were silenced as you describe, silenced, humiliated, and laughed at. I know I was. Some people seem to feel the need to dominate others by what they see as their superior intelligence, insights, or wisdom. Kind of a perennial debate club approach. There is much of this on internet forums, which is why many people drift away from forums, as they find this sort of thing unpleasant.

[ToomuchStuff]

The heck with how you "feel", is she forming a Spanish Inquisition? Because it sounds like she didn't "feel" safe, since there were other viewpoints/belief systems, and is she apt to go all holy war, the way medieval Christians did.
Is this similar to how the TSA takes liquids, toothpaste, etc. and puts in in containers as potentially explosive, yet doesn't blow it up. (feel verses reality)

[LDAHL]

I had a different experience, when I challenged I was often shut down. Totally, completely, proven that others had control and my basic needs would not be met. I am not sure how the 'unsafe' worked for you but I can't imagine wanting to go back to being this silenced, humiliated, kid or teen again. I am guessing that this unsafe for you still had some elements of being basically cared for or valued, there is so much difference possible here. So it is VERY much how we work with these different or challenging ideas. Do we actually talk to youth or do make our statement and leave them to sort it out alone? Do we notice when a person shrinks into themselves, stops engaging, shows signs of a serious problem in the middle of this or do we push on through. Do we use our best communication skills to have these talks and bring in voices, deep thoughts, etc? In college a large part of my degree was in philosophy so I do know how to disagree and argue a point and go deeply into things, I want people to learn that instead of the art of yelling louder or making more statements designed to just cause reactions.

I'm not so much grateful for the humiliation and discomfort it involved. I'm grateful for learning how to survive, function and (perhaps arguably) thrive in environments where my well-being was inconsequential to those around me. The coach who made me climb the stinking rope, the colonel whose "constructive criticism" involved yelling at me in such close proximity I had to wipe his spittle off my glasses, the committee probing my proposal for weaknesses all served to make me a better version of myself.

If I had gone through life expecting to be valued and cared for, shrinking from every provocation, I doubt it would have been a very wothwhile existence.

[Chicken lady]

But LDAHL, were you valued and cared for? Not necessarily in that situation, but in general.

i had a conversation with a friend once where she described sobbing and pleading and banging on the door when her mother locked her out while she was out on a date with an "objectionable" choice. I said "I would have just gotten back in the car and left with him." And she said "yes, but you knew somebody wanted you to come home."

[Teacher Terry]

I find it ridiculous that the prof invited someone to speak about how social work is related to Christianity and also her email to you. Part of going to college is to hear different viewpoints and yes to disagree. As a former social worker if people reduce you to a puddle of tears and you don't toughen up you will not make it. I was shocked by the things i saw, heard etc when I first was in the field. Some people quit the first year. I learned to become much more assertive. At one point when I was doing a unpaid SW internship the head guy was a jerk and people were quitting all the time. I was supposed to be there for 1 1/2 years but after a semester of being yelled at and belittled I started crying. I finished the semester and then changed internships. Bad enough to be yelled at if they are paying you but I wasn't getting paid. That experience got me to advocate for myself as you could be thrown out of the program after signing a contract and not going back. Also it is not true that you have to experience something personally in order to help people with the issue. I always was sensitive but learned to toughen up somewhat due to things that happened to me and was to my benefit even though it was uncomfortable at the time. YOu learn to face things instead of run away.

[Zoe Girl]

I'm not so much grateful for the humiliation and discomfort it involved. I'm grateful for learning how to survive, function and (perhaps arguably) thrive in environments where my well-being was inconsequential to those around me. .

I think the key is that you did end up surviving, functioning and thriving. I may be here and look pretty good but it was very difficult. Surviving and recovering from a narcissistic relationship is a long road. So in many ways I exist despite a lot of experience that was about showing I was only valued in how I supported my abuser, there is this way that you can get torn down verbally that shrinks you into a place you no longer want to exist, Where I could not imagine any sort of relief. That still gets triggered.

I am struggling with some work situations right now where someone acted in a similar manner and I stood up and am spending a couple days going through h** again. Someone asking if I am okay would just be very healing and refreshing, it would mean a lot. In an intellectual sense I know how many people I take care of so being nice to me has a good return on the investment.

BTW I am totally going to regret this but staying totally closed off from people is worse right now than exposing too much.