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Thread: liking the wrong guy?

  1. #1
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    liking the wrong guy?

    I went to my meditation last night. It was better than I expected and I am not in that funky place so much. The person I had an issue with shared that she is dealing with depression so that is probably why I have not heard from her. I got to be a little more honest than usual and it felt good.

    So there is this guy who I look forward to seeing. He has been off and on for several years but really consistent the last year. He admits he screwed things up in his life and is working hard. One of the things he has shared is some serious loneliness as he is focusing on his meditation practice and living well. I think he surprises people because he really knows his stuff and also looks rough around the edges. I have talked to him a lot, he is not someone who needs to be rescued or taken care of, just dealing with the same crap as the rest of us (with some larger screw ups than some of us, but not unusual in our group). And I think I am attracted to him, which is even hard to admit, like I have admitted to no one at this point.

    So I am going to just invite him to coffee, we have talked about it with the topic of loneliness. Not sure about this, but also life is too short.

  2. #2
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    Why do you think he is the wrong guy?

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    Just because he has gotten himself into trouble legally a fair number of times.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zoe Girl View Post
    Just because he has gotten himself into trouble legally a fair number of times.
    I guess you have to look at why, and see whether the behaviors are something you can live with. Personally, I can deal with folks arrested for political demonstrations or tax evasion or maybe insider trading; I would not want to deal with drugs/alcohol, sex crimes, etc. Your parameters are your own.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Legal problems are a major red flag.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

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    It turns out I could deal with a lot of things (yea I do mean some legal issues), and it is risk, but risk is getting up in the morning I guess.

    Or I live with more risk than I would think on paper I could accept, because love yea (which makes me sound ditzy and like 14 - but not exactly, just given up on checking the check boxes of what one should avoid or not versus my actual experience, but it is risk).

    However, I would draw the line at violence (violent crimes), ie don't get involved with a violent person, that's not worth it. It might be relevant to see how recent the crimes were, last year still at it, not so good. Two decades ago in some stupidity of youth (not an excuse for the behavior of course, but people do change) then ... less indicative of the present. Though still I'd draw the line at violence.
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

  7. #7
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    OK, maybe I am missing something here. Is he the wrong guy because you have longterm expectations of romance or would he be dangerous to have coffee with?
    What is wrong with simply being friends if that is a safe thing to do?
    That said, if your intuition is telling you 'no' and the red flags are waving vigorously, then define boundaries for yourself and carry on.
    Are you over-thinking this?
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  8. #8
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Last night I had to tell a fairly decent prospect to buzz off because she is a drunk driver (and very cavalier about it too). Too much risk for me to assume!
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

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    I had a gal I liked, and she wouldn't even notice me, as she caught that bad guy syndrome that so many women seem to go through (IMHE). I still see the family of that guy on occasion and his father had issues in his job, because of the actions of his son. When she was dating him, several of us referred to him as stun gun as that was what he used to subdue several members of a family who they killed in a barn. (Kirtland cult killings)
    This is a reason why I say emotions are unreasonable. They are not from the head, there is no logic as to why someone is attracted to someone, other then maybe something in our biology that says x's dna might be a good match.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by ToomuchStuff View Post
    I had a gal I liked, and she wouldn't even notice me, as she caught that bad guy syndrome that so many women seem to go through (IMHE).
    What? Can you explain a little more?
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

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