Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 26

Thread: Wishing I could figure out the friend thing

  1. #11
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Central Jersey
    Posts
    6,471
    Quote Originally Posted by JaneV2.0 View Post
    There's a graphic tee with the message "Eww--people" that I've thought about buying.
    This weekend I was stressed with work, and DH had some friends over--I excused myself and they understood, but even though I was in my home office, they were in the back yard and LOUD. I would go out every hour for about 10 minutes just so I wasn't completely rude, but I found myself coming up with every excuse in the book to get back in the house.. "Let me check the oven," "I need a sweater," "I have to respond to an email," "I think the dog is thirsty."

    I simply could not take 5 hours of loud, raucous talking and laughing. OTOH, DH had a great time. To each his own.

    I really don't have many regular "friends." In fact, now that I think of it, I don't have any. Hmmm.. No wonder I spend too much time on this site and Facebook.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  2. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    4,200
    I totally get it, and it is an actual problem for me right now. I realized that one of the problems I have getting things done and taking care of practical matters is that I don;t have a best friend or partner. Seems silly but just someone to check in with and have a conversation, maybe mention that I took care of something practical. One of those things you are supposed to be capable of on your own .

    I love that your friend understood you, that is hard for me. Most people see that I am okay on my own, maybe a bit prickly in my demeanor, and don't realize how much I need them to call me now and then. And schedules is a huge thing. I have flexible time during the day and really busy late afternoons. Sometimes on the weekend I just nap multiple times.

    I realized that I have to value things and work at it that are not my ideal relationships. I also realize I have socially awkward and times I come across as not very friendly. So learning to value the friends that are not my first choice is a big deal, learning to value activities that are not my favorite (but also not super painful) is a big deal, and pushing myself a little. It took a LOT of aloneness to get to this point.

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    2,823
    Can you find an activity that starts when your job ends so you can stay in town to enjoy it and then go home?

  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,084
    It's not so much the activities, it's the people. I need to find some compatible people who live near me, and are available when my dh is not and I'm not working. That means some weekdays (currently Monday afternoons and most Tuesday's and Thursday's) and some evenings. But ideally I'm in bed before 9:30, so starting chores by 8:30.

    most adult evening activities start "after dinner" 7 or later.

    my job ends at 2:15 or 3:30. I usually run errands on the way home. One day I stopped at a farmer's market and met someone who seemed nice - the market is 45 minutes from my house and she drives in an hour from a wide angle. She lives maybe an hour and 15 minutes from me.

    it was easier when my kids were home and we got together with out her homeschoolers. But none of the adult relationships lasted because what we had in common was the kids. The kids grew up and the moms either went back to work full time or "got their own lives back" and started doing stuff I don't want to do (as in want to not do) like go out to lunch, shopping, events, trips... Nobody wants to come over and chat with you while they knit and you hang your laundry if their kids aren't playing with yours. Also, the conversations were about things like math curriculum, so that's unlikely to transfer....

  5. #15
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    SW Washington State
    Posts
    1,439
    CL, do you have neighbors, live in a neighborhood, or are you rural? Are there any women your age close by maybe in the same predicament?

    I'm in many ways just like you. I have no real friends either in the sense of the word as we grew up knowing it. I think I'm thinking about the women who used to drop in on my mom, women who lived next door and would come to the back door and have a visit with mom while she ironed or whatever. I'd like that.

    I did meet a couple our (DH & myself) age last weekend when I was out front weeding. They were on a walk and stopped to chat. Then we ran into them again at the farmers market the next day.
    But we live in a neighborhood where it would (ostensibly--if I wasn't so introverted) be easy to invite a neighbor over for a bbq or just dessert or something on a weekend. I hope we can cultivate this friendship a bit.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  6. #16
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,084
    I am rural. The family to the north is mom, possible stepdad, two young adult daughters, the younger of whom I know vaguely through my kids going to high school with her - history of drug use, possible minor legal trouble. All presumably employed full time as they are gone all day. Generally also gone into the evening or having the type of social event that involves beer, loud music, and corn hole. We dug the mom's car out of the snow once years ago.

    Across the street from them is Denny the mentally ill disabled Vietnam vet who blessedly hasn't spoken to me since November 9th, and his wife who works long hours and takes long vacations out of town.

    across the street from me is a young couple with a three year old son. Both work full time.

    to my south is ? A house, with some cars and some earthmoving equipment.

    the speed limit on my road is 55mph and there are no walkable shoulders.

    My mom had suburb friends. I disliked them and their children with whom I was forced to associate. At best, I'd guess they thought I was weird.

    At one point when I was little, we lived in a house where all the backyards on the block connected. There were 5 families with kids and one with intermittent grandkids all in a 4 year age range. I played with the other kids - in their yards as much as possible, mostly because they had jungle gyms and stuff. I did not have anything like that because my dad didn't want other people's kids in his yard. What I remember when we moved isn't not feeling sad because I'd never see them again - it's that I cared so little that wether or not I'd ever see them again never crossed my mind.

    I was 7. I got a new house and yard which I loved, a new school - to which I was indifferent, and a new "best friend" which was a matter of convenience. My mother knew her mother, we lived near each other, and she was willing to let me choose our activities. Later she made other friends who shared her interests and I moved on without regrets. In contrast, When we moved when my kids were 6, 8, and 10, the kids were most concerned about what would happen to their social connections. One of the girls who was in my Dd's wedding has been her friend since they were 6.

  7. #17
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    2,823
    How about other employees at your school that might want to go out for coffee and talk after work?

  8. #18
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,084
    One of them has tried to schedule a "let's go out for drinks to the bar two doors down" 5 times. It's been cancelled due to nobody could make it, 5 times. The coworkers I like all have to go to their other job or pick up their kids after work.

    also, I'm trying to find some people who live close enough that they would come here. That would not be my coworkers.

  9. #19
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    SW Washington State
    Posts
    1,439
    CL, looking back over your OP, I'm wondering what kind of social life you would like to have. What do you see when you imagine it? Are you sure you want more of a social life, or do you just feel like you should?

    Have you ever looked at meetup.com? Kind of a neat way to find people in your area with similar interests. I did a story over the winter about groups that get together to play board games. Several started on meetup.com
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  10. #20
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,084
    I want to know people who can come by on short (or maybe a week) notice for a few hours to either do a specific activity (pick berries, make jam or cheese, swim) or bring their own entertainment (you work on your project, I'll work on my project, we'll talk, you can borrow my toys to work on your project) and then leave.

    mary used to come by for coffee and knit or spin (now she's getting her Ph.D.) she always had to leave to pick up her kid before I needed to make dinner. It was good. Megan came once to pick Berries before she moved an hour away.

    i want to have conversations with people who are not my family, that last more than 5 minutes, and are not work task related. And I want to have them with people with whom I don't feel like I have to think about every word I say.

    example:
    "hi, how are you?"
    "fine, how are you?"
    "fine."

    this is is not a conversation, it is a social ritual divorced from the meaning of the words that I often still screw up if I don't actually think about it.
    i actually answer "how are you?" (Over sharing, awkward, they didn't want to know)
    i analyze out loud ("do you actually want to know?" Because I'm not fine and would like to talk about it - awkward, embarrassing)
    i forget to ask "how are you?" (Because I don't care)
    i ask "how are you?" While looking people in the eyes in an intonation that demands an actual response (because I do care - awkward, invasive, person really wanted to keep walking.)
    i argue ("fine." "No you aren't. You've been crying." - awkward, invasive, rude, embarrassing...)

    that's just one example that happens a lot. People are exhausting.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •