Da** it, I think I screwed up again. I have one long term staff person and I shared something with her, and I think I couldn't actually trust her. It is my second loose lip issue in the last 2 months, both are bad. I think this is causing even more problems with the toxic colleague issue I explained in the work section. But now I am super angry at myself for sharing what I shared, and of course angry at my staff. She said she does not even talk to the person in question anymore (they have been friends before). I was basically telling her to be very careful about being her friend, and she said she wasn't in contact. Then it seems the more I shared after that went back to his person.
I am examining the roots in myself of this, sitting at Starbucks, and trying not to cry. I have a lot of loneliness issues, I don't have a lot of people who want to talk about the same things, I really work at reaching out and then I get exhausted and overwhelmed so I don't get out, I don't have a partner person or best friend right now. So I get connection where I can, and then I share too much. I have spent the last couple years really closed off at work, I don't want to walk into a meeting and sit by myself and give off that unfriendly vibe anymore, but I apparently don't have good self control. Basically I am the one who goes to visit people in other rooms at work, I call other people to talk, I lead the meditation group and am the only one who comes even when they don't lead, If I get a phone call per week that is not initiated by me (that does not include student loans) that is good, no joke. I am the one who calls my mom, my kids, and my sister who has needed a lot of anxiety support over the last months. But as soon as she is better it is back to me calling. I feel like a needy jerk to keep being the one to call others, right now I REALLY don't want to call anyone and perpetuate the pattern. So after spending 6 hours in my office alone working, and then a staff I have trusted walks in, I am not always in a good place by then for keeping my mouth shut. I just want to talk to someone, anyone, at that point. Even when I go home I may exchange a few words with my son and his girlfriend but they have their own lives.
So I need to do the 'pay a friend' deal and get a counselor again.