Knew a family where the wife did all the oil changes/car maintenance, etc. The husband was worthless on those.Originally Posted by iris lilies
Also known several situations, where things like Gorilla shelving was used, and seldom used stuff was up high, kids stuff was lower, and things like jack stands, floor jacks, etc. was on the bottom.
I would much rather a big shed with garage and woodworking space, with a small home, but don't want another mortgage, at least until I find the spot.
For me, personally, a storage unit just never made sense. If I want the "stuff", if it has value to me, I find a place for it in my home. If I don't value it enough to have it around me, I don't need to keep it.
To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi
Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. HH Dalai Lama
In a world where you can be anything - be kind. Unknown
The Flower show “stuff “are my tools. There are 50-60 containers and bins of dried plant materials as well as wooden things and metal things and round things and oddly shaped thrift store finds and odd bits that I use in making Floral designs for flower shows. Oh yeah and dishes and placemats and etc for the table classes. They aren’t things for display although certainly I can display some of them on shelves in my house, I just dont.
One main reason I love my hobby of flower show competitions is that I don’t have to keep a creation permanently. I can put it together, put it in the show, take a photograph, and bring it home and dismantle it. I think about how limiting it would be if I was painting a canvas I would have to keep the canvas around. Or, I suppose I could paint over it. What a bore to have to keep every creation I ever made, They would fill up my house so fast it wouldn’t be funny.
Then a storage unit works for you - congrats! Nice to see people who find something they can truly love.
To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi
Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. HH Dalai Lama
In a world where you can be anything - be kind. Unknown
saguaro, after reading all of your posts in this thread, which is a few years old now, I wonder if you would reflect on what you would do differently from the start? For instance, would you have set a bolder line with your sister and perhaps not done any of the physical cleaning out? And what about your father, would you perhaps have suggested moving him somewhere safe so that you didn't have to keep creating a safe space for him in the house? I believe these reflections would be useful to others finding themselves in similar situations, particularly since you were kind enough to continue updating your progress on the situation.
Came back to the site today after being away a bit and this thread bumped up in the meantime. My apologies @farmgrrl for not seeing it sooner.
I am not sure if @farmgrrl has seen my estate thread in the Family section but in summary the house got fully cleared out in late 2019 and sold by the end January 2020 just before Covid hit. I became special trustee for selling the house the saga of which is detailed in that thread.
So, the last 2 years, yes I have reflected on what could have been done differently, if possible, as well as the things that really couldn't be changed because of certain personalities involved, namely my Dad and my sister (Middle Sister or MS for short).
The very first thing I would have done differently, and sadly, this is harsh but true: I should have never trusted MS. She stole from the estate. I have proof. With my special trustee role, she had to disclose certain financial details in order for me to finalize the sale and some of those details came out a mere 24 hours before closing, as a result of an urgent phone from my attorney. Some other details came out later when younger sister and I finally forced a accounting from her. What she took was not enough to go after but it was theft all the same. Despite all the delays, excuses, and red flags I still wanted to believe that she was being honest through it all. Because of what younger sister and I discovered, there are now some very big questions around what she did with my father's money when she had financial POA in the 2 years between our parents' deaths. I want to think that insisting on knowing more on his financial picture might have made a difference, possibly clued me in earlier but not sure. I was involved enough as it was, but MS covered her tracks in part because our father just allowed her to run the ship, looked to her for everything and would have not tolerated any questions about what she was doing. After Dad passed away, both younger sister and I were pretty much dependent on a dishonest person who wasn't even listening to her own attorney.
But outside of the trust/financial issues here's probably what I would have done differently, some of which is in light of those same issues:
1. Setting limits years in advance might have tempered the parental expectations. All of us siblings should have set limits on what we were willing to do/not do long before any of this happened. My parents had expectations of what their "3 little girls" would do for them that bordered on the fantastical because basically they didn't hear "no" from us enough. It wasn't enough that one of us (yep, me) who said it, was necessary that all of us say it. MS lived nearby and for years prior was on "speed dial" for just about everything and not just emergencies. Younger sister lived 1200 miles away but would fly back whenever parents demanded a visit, during which she did everything they wanted and not what she wanted, like visiting old friends. If Mom and Dad had heard the word "no" for years prior they might have had different expectations and plans for when they needed help. That is not to say we would not have helped them, but it would have not gone to the extremes it did.
2. Waiting. Would have waited on the house cleanout until Dad died or had moved out. Because cleaning out while he was still in the house eventually stressed him out to the point that it was counterproductive. I thought that could happen, it eventually did and I stopped going over there except to check on Dad or take him to appointments.
3. Once house cleanout commenced, limiting my time to one/two/three big cleanouts over several days in a row (like take a few vacation days) instead of this dribble of weekends and start/stop process that went on for years. I should have been more willing to be the bad guy on this, telling her this is all I can do and that's it. I ended up being the bad guy anyway and for a lot more trouble, quite frankly. Should have gone for Bad Guy status right off the bat.
4. Different living arrangements for Dad earlier: This would have been a tough one given MS' hand wringing over his money, which now is up to serious question. Plus Dad pretty much only listened to her. But maybe pushing more on getting him into assisted living / senior apartment in spite of MS' insistence that he had to stay at home? He had the money and my view was money in his accounts / home equity was for him to use when needed. This was a time when it was needed. If we spent it all, so be it but it would have taken years for him to get to that point. I would have like to think that would have worked but not sure, MS and Dad were very much alike meaning both of them were stubborn as hell. FYI, Dad did go into a nursing facility during his cancer treatment and was expected to move into assisted living after he completed treatment but passed away before that.
Those are the 4 takeaways at this point. Incidentally over the last year DH and his SIL are dealing with MIL who had to move into assisted living (dementia) after FIL became ill in early 2021 and died last August. MIL is in a good facility and is happy (well most days anyway LOL) but one big difference here is both DH and SIL have set limits on what they can do while still making sure she is safe.
I hear you about setting a time limit on the amount of time you will help to “clean out the house. “
I’ve been on the fringes of several of those, and learned after the first one to walk into the house clean-up with a smile on my face and announce “hey I can spend four hours here today. Then I will have to leave.“
…and then leave after four hours.
And yes they will talk about me after I leave because I didn’t help to the end. But when it is obvious that no one is going to honor any sort of timeline, no one is going to make any decision about any object in the house in any kind of timely way, and when I’m not in charge of the entire clean-out process, I will merely lend a hand And that hand is carefully defined with enforced boundaries.
Saguaro: I'm so sorry for the difficulties and trust issues with your sister. I count it as my greatest good fortune that my sister and I have such a good relationship and are able to work together so amicably.
I feel like we're dealing with the stuff in layers. I've gone through things with Mom in the past where we reorganized stuff but very little was relinquished. Sis and I did a big cleanout a couple of years ago when Mom was staying with her friend. We got rids of lots of stuff, and Mom was actually relieved and glad for what we had done. That was kind of low-hanging fruit though. This pass, we are getting rid of lots of very nice things, so that's a little harder. But they are things that have not been used or touched or looked at for years, so they really should go to new homes where they will be used and enjoyed.
Depending on what the future brings, there could be a final big cleanout after this one, or a couple more layers peeled away. After this cleanout, although we are getting rid of so much, we are still far from minimalism. We got rid of loads of vases for example, but she still probably has about 30.
It definitely encourages me to keep my own possessions under control.
When it comes to vases, I don’t find 30 to be an outlandish number! Ha ha, just kidding you but true for my household.
@rosarugosa, it is good you have a good relationship with your sister. I can't tell you how extremely painful it was to know that MS stole from us. On the other hand, I have a good relationship with youngest sister, who had complete trust in me when I took over the special trustee role. What a difference there was. Part of that trust came from that I was completely transparent with her and MS during the house sale, with email updates or phone calls as needed. To this day, MS claims she did nothing wrong.
This reminds me of the time DH and I went to help a friend pack up his moving van along with a few other friends. We had a commitment for that evening so could only stay for several hours. Just as we thought we were done with packing up stuff from the house and done, friend says "oh wait, there's the garage". Opens up the garage and it's packed floor to ceiling with stuff. This was right as we had to leave. Let's just say, we imagined the grumbles from everyone else after we left over our timing but friend and his wife had made no effort whatsoever to start any packing up before we all showed up. This was a move planned for months but when we all walked into their condo and saw they had done absolutely nothing to prepare. I was packing up their clothes straight from their closets and drawers. their kitchen items from the cabinets. We at least expected to see some packing boxes ready to go but nope. No planning, no timeline, just completely open ended packing (and cleaning) job. We later learned the job didn't get finished until midnight and they were still having to hit the road for their move from IL to Colorado.
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