When goals fade away

[catherine]

Kind of a counterpoint to BikingLady's post about Financial Goals, what happens when those goals seem to become less and less realistic?

I have a little list on a scrap of paper I got from a hotel room probably 5 years ago or so, and it's called "I Will Retire When..." and I have a list of 6 milestones. Today I tried to figure out if my goals on this little list are even possible, and it seems REALLY optimistic--and they're not even huge goals! Most of you guys have already met them: No debt. Pay off house. Have XX in the bank. Pay XX towards kids' milestones (i.e. weddings--I don't have a huge amount budgeted there, I promise you).

But being a goal-oriented person, and also having the type of personality that is challenged with a problem, I grapple with, do I let go of my goal, adjust it, or go for it?

If I spend the next five years of my life pursuing this goal, will I be sorry? For it will take a lot of my life energy to accomplish.

If I give it up, will I be regretful? Or happier--just letting go of this desire to be the type of parent who was able to leave a little something. My mother couldn't. My father couldn't. Even the uncle, the Yale grad who made a fortune as a self-made businessman, let his family down when he died unexpectedly in his 60s, leaving his kids without a penny (he left it all to Wife #2). If I have this dream of being Uncle B... do I even have my ladder against the right wall, as Stephen Covey would say?

At this point in my life, I can either do the best I can for 5 years and hopefully get a decent Social Security payout that will keep me fed and housed; OR I can go the last lap full speed ahead and hope for the best.

Given my ambivalent attitude toward money, I don't know which path is more "me."

I guess I'm just trying to figure out where my life energy is best spent at this point in my life.

[razz]

Self-protection is not just a goal, it is a necessity. Survival funding is a necessity.

Kids will have their weddings with or without your funding, kids will survive without you leaving them with $$$ when you die.

Are you confusing goals with dreams? Sorry to sound so blunt but I just don't understand. I invested after working, lived with thrift all my life, gave a lump sum to my kids to invest in their future and the rest is mine taking care of my needs and future
What is this need in you to be the fairy godmother? Who is taking care of you and your future?

[ApatheticNoMore]

what would make you happiest? Isn't selling brother-in-laws house etc. helping? You did say moving to Vermont and selling your current house for one you could pay off there was an option you had considered, I don't know if you are still considering that. I probably wouldn't burn myself out chasing money personally.

[catherine]

What is this need in you to be the fairy godmother? Who is taking care of you and your future?

razz, I wish I knew. I think it's totally a self-respect thing. I don't think I'm confusing goals with dreams--my goals are (were) totally realistic given my earnings, and I feel I'll die a failure if I can't have something to show for all the hard work I've put in, all the money I've made, all the life energy I've expended. And why do we do it anyway? For our kids. For our families. For the next generation.

And frankly, the "kids milestone" part is a fraction, money-wise, of my other goals. I do not plan on being The Family Benefactor. Not by a long shot, at this point. I just want to do what I set out to do.

[Chicken lady]

Dh did the math on retirement and he came up with an acceptable a range of "if He retires at point A and our expenses remain the same (adjust for inflation) and our investments pay off at the highest predicted level, he can live to be 96 and then I can collect his life insurance and run out of money at 98." To "if he retires at point B and we don't add any new bills other than average out of pocket medical for our ages and the investments pay off at minimum expected level we can both live to be nearly 120 before we run out of money." So we are shooting at point B, but once we get to point A, we are going to make the decision one day at a time.

We educated our kids. (Last year of tuition for last kid is in bank). We paid for one reasonable wedding (girl), will help with the second (boy) in September, and hope to be able to make a similar reasonable contribution to the third (girl).

i'd start with looking at your "pay off debt" goal. What are your fixed expenses? What part of the remaining income would it take to pay off that debt before your desired retirement date? What changes would be required and are you willing to make them?

I've never earned much money, and I have too much stuff of no monetary value, but but when I look at my family - if I died tomorrow, I'd be happy with "what I have to show for my life".

[catherine]

I've never earned much money, and I have too much stuff of no monetary value, but but when I look at my family - if I died tomorrow, I'd be happy with "what I have to show for my life".

Yes... this is where my ambivalence with money comes in. My mother died with nothing. I had given her $60 for Christmas 1996, and in January 1997 she was in a hospital bed dying. When I got there, she pulled out that $60 from under her butt, and she gave it to me. That was her inheritance. And I thank her profoundly for that. And yet... she didn't do what I did, and if she had, there would have been a lot more than $60 under her butt.

[BikingLady]

Re Adjust the goals, that is what life is about.

[JaneV2.0]

I'm no goals expert, but don't you adjust as you go along? That would seem to me to me to be the practical--and logical--approach.

[Chicken lady]

So, that sounds to me like this is less about reevaluating your goals, and more about regretting where the money you have already spent went.

that money is gone. All you can do is evaluate your current spending and make decisions you can be happy with.

[razz]

OK, Catherine, now I understand.

When DD1 was born, I had the Near Death Experience which impacted my views permanently. At the end of each day, I would examine my activities especially involving the kids (2 eventually) and ask myself, "Have I done everything I could do for them today?" Every evening I did this. I set the goal for them that when they turned 16 years old, I would back off and let them make most of their decisions, good and bad. I helped with education costs as much as I could but had to put money aside for DH and myself as well. They owed nothing upon graduation due to their work, thrift and decisions. When they grew up as well-adjusted kids with lives of their own, I was pleased with their choices.

My goals were quite different than yours. Because I knew about life's vulnerabilities first-hand, I made sure they were as self-reliant as possible at the earliest age possible.

I have friends who are so involved with their kids' lives, finances and life decisions. Their kids check with them before making any serious decisions. The parents seem to need to be needed. They have not planned for an active life after kids leave the nest.

DH and I chose differently; I have no regrets or unfinished business and feel a success. Now, I continue working on my part to make a difference in the world as I have for the past couple of decades.

I love my kids but leave them to their lives. We are there for each other at all times as has been demonstrated, love them dearly but know that I am little more than their best and most vocal booster squad reminding them of how capable and wonderful they are. We talk weekly, visit several times a year as they live some distance away where their jobs take them.

My goal is to live my life independently and leave as little responsibility for them to deal with in the future. That means that I must take care of me!!!!!