Down vs. depressed

[Chicken lady]

Sometimes it's hard for me to tell if I am sliding into depression or if my days are just exhausting and depressing.

I am generally light responsive, and it is a sunny breezy day, which would normally have me energized and wanting to work outside.

outside, where the poison ivy has taken over my garden and I can't weed. Where almost every morning this month I have been greeted by one or more dead/missing chickens and/or one or more dead raccoons.

where I need to completely start from scratch and build a Fort Knox chicken coop.

outside where the goats keep escaping from holes I can't find in the fence. Where the blackberries are almost done and I haven't picked any yet this year.

one of my favorite goats died. I had to go to a bridal shower for my future daughter in law (the only thing I like about that is my future dil.) I had to drive into town and shop for her gift because I delayed ordering it too long. My in laws are coming to stay on Friday.

it has been storming every night and waking me over and over. I can't seem to catch up with the kitchen or the laundry. My body feels heavy and thick and tired. I'm gaining weight again.

I signed up for a class which I really wanted to take and enjoy when I'm there, but I'm not getting my work done. I had a piece blow up in the kiln last night which I needed to use tomorrow in class, and am now pretty much guaranteed that I will get little or no finished work out of the class - making it a bad economic choice. I have still learned things.

so all of that is discouraging and tiring. But along with it is the voice in my head which is starting to speak up again.tellling me to give up on the chickens, assuring me I will lose them all, that I will never get my weight back down (though I have over and over), that I am lazy and a terrible housekeeper, that I make my dh life harder by not being a better hostess to my inlaws, that I was foolish to think I had time to take this class that generally I suck and anybody else would handle all this better.

and when I look out at the sun dancing on the leaves, I think "i just can't." And the tears are right there.

and I think that is the depression talking.

[nswef]

It sounds as if you know yourself pretty well, CL so trust that your judgement is correct on this and do whatever it is you have to do for the depression. Counselor? Drugs?

[pinkytoe]

I know that I have spells where depression sets in and leaves just as mysteriously. Not really situational - perhaps hormonal or the phase of the moon? If you are of a certain age, i.e. premenopausal, there are definitely some emotional roller coasters for many women. It does sound though like you have a lot on your plate and perhaps sleep-deprived. When I don't get enough sleep, I feel continually hungry and eat more than usual.

[CathyA]

Are you taking D3?

[ApatheticNoMore]

or perfectionism maybe, ok some stuff has to be done, but beating yourself up over whether the class was worth the money or stressing to much about it doesn't seem one of those things that needs to be done (just a class taken for personal development right? ha with classes this might date way back to wanting to be a good student growing up, and of course one doesn't want to waste the money and get nothing out of it but ...).

I tend to take a deep breath and say, ok what really needs to be done, and what is more optional. Yea that probably doesn't work for everyone.

[Chicken lady]

I take iron, b complex, 3 cups of black coffee and the occaisional wine or mixed drink. Most of my sugar intake is from whole fruits and milk.

[Chicken lady]

That coffee intake represents a major reduction in caffeine. When I feel like this, I really crave black tea or soda and I have to remind myself "that way lies madness..." (Ever increasing caffeine consumption leading to increasing alcohol to fall asleep at night, often mixed with high carb liquids.)

[iris lilies]

Oh CL! i am sorry that you have the inlaws coming on top of everything else.

My immediate reaction is YES! get rid of chickens, you can always start up chicken production again and that is a big worry off your plate, a big obligation. But I doubt that is going to affect the heaviness of your psyche in a significant way. ? Don't know.

the class--it doesnt matter. It just does not matter in the big picture or even in the smaller picture, regardless of what you get or do not get out of it.

Sounds like drugs might be in order.

[Tammy]

Simplify. You have way too much on your to do list.

[Tybee]

Simplify. You have way too much on your to do list.

Agree, and it would be great if you could take a small retreat out of town when the in-laws come, as it really does not sound like their visit is good for you right now.