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Thread: rudeness at work, should I answer back?

  1. #1
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    rudeness at work, should I answer back?

    I have a phone message and text messages from 2 people with attacks of rudeness today. I needed a lot of time to calm down so it is after 8 pm and I have not answered either one of them.

    Person one is a teacher I have been friendly with. She is about my age, having a really rough year, and does not have a job next year at this school. I have stopped by her classroom and offered to take her to coffee many times. I eventually stopped that since she did not ever follow up but I was still friendly. So I have a survey for teachers for kids who attended 30 days or more of afterschool programming, this is one of the 2 things we are asked to do to complete our grant each year. I sent it out last week with a letter explaining that if we want more grants this is really important, and I pay teachers who have a large number. I walked into her room today to ask about them, like a few other teachers, and she flat out told me that she is not going to do them. She has things to do. This is as important to me as any of their testing. I walked out with my breath knocked out of me, I found the other 4/5 teacher and she did the 2 surveys in 15 minutes. Now I have text messages telling me I should have given her a deadline, and saying I need to understand she doesn't have a job next year. I want to answer to just get some of my voice and power back, but most people will suggest that I let it go. Short answer is that I understand her stress, I have lost a teaching job, but I do not deserve to be talked to that way.

    The other is my staff, she argued with a parent and then said sh** really loudly on the playground, again. I talked to my supervisor and even with 3 days left in our school year I am going to document with a write up. So she texted me, said she had a lot to learn, she apologized. So I have a message to call her back, and I told her DIRECTLY I need my boundary around work time. However she did text me during work hours. I think I am going to have to call her back, but I cannot keep the pissed off out of my voice at this point. I just texted to ask how essential it is, I am going on a run.

  2. #2
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    I just politely let them know what my issue is, and proceed accordingly.


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    I like it bae, sometimes saying nothing is not the answer.

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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    In the first instance, I would probably send email saying something like "I am sorrynto hear about your job. i hope you will reconsider and complete my survey because it is important for obtaining grants." There is a 50/50 chance she will have a change of heart and complete the survey.

    As for the employee who texted you, I would ignore it until the work day begins. I really dont get it. If you dont want to respond to hour staff outside of prescribed hours, then do that. Why does it matter so much to you what time of day they contact you?

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    That is a much nicer response for the first one, I have known that she does not have a job for next year for awhile actually. And offered to talk more outside of work if she wanted. The survey was done by another teacher, so I am covered. My answer sounds more snarky, and I see why she doesn't have a job for next year.

    I am not sure what you mean on the second one? My longterm staff has called me a couple times and it has always been urgent. I have had her call me often outside of work so I had to put my foot down. Mostly it was to talk over something that happened during program, and once it was after 10:30 pm. However today she left early for a DR appointment so I think it may make sense to call her back. There may be something urgent with that.

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    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    ZG, is it possible that you are seeing this as a personal attack on you rather than an impersonal vent from someone under stress? Sometimes offering to talk helps, sometimes the reality is so stark that rehearsing and recycling doesn't help at all.

    I see the teacher as feeling fearful, overwhelmed and trapped snarling at one more demand. You got the survey done. Give the teacher the space to deal with her emotions.
    I keep thinking of the book, Hostage at the Table, which taught me that when the amygdala has blocked off the neocortex of rational thinking and the limbic or emotional is dominant, expecting rational thought is unrealistic. You are intact, healthy, employed and doing well. Give her the space.

    The work contacts is one that you have resolved in your own mind and found what boundaries are needed.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    ZG, is it possible that you are seeing this as a personal attack on you rather than an impersonal vent from someone under stress? Sometimes offering to talk helps, sometimes the reality is so stark that rehearsing and recycling doesn't help at all.

    I see the teacher as feeling fearful, overwhelmed and trapped snarling at one more demand. You got the survey done. Give the teacher the space to deal with her emotions.
    I keep thinking of the book, Hostage at the Table, which taught me that when the amygdala has blocked off the neocortex of rational thinking and the limbic or emotional is dominant, expecting rational thought is unrealistic. You are intact, healthy, employed and doing well. Give her the space.

    The work contacts is one that you have resolved in your own mind and found what boundaries are needed.
    I like that, Razz. Definitely a QTIP situation--quit taking it personally.
    I imagine that your coworker feels like, "one more thing, from a job that has already dissed and fired me, screw that." At least that is how I would feel in her shoes. If you have the data you need, why bother her with it at all at this point?

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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Wait--did the OP actually GET the survey data? I didnt understand that from Zoe Girl's post.

    If so, then sure, drop it. Zoe, I side eyed your comment about getting your "voice and power back." That is silly to me, is that what they teach in Assertive Behavior for Women Class 101? This is a situation where the wise person stops engaging. Walk away from the conflict,, there's no point in continuing. You feel how you feel, and your colleague feels how she feels. That's life.

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    I think with the first one it was mostly shock, just a bit stunned by the force of it. And maybe a little personal since I have been the one talking to her, supporting and reaching out all year. I often take these things on myself, but this is totally not me. I got it done, I just need to decide about answering her text
    The other one I called since I knew she went to the Dr, it wasn't about that. She wanted to talk about her bad day and say she is working on getting better. She only has 3 more shifts this school year,

    Sorry IL, I went to another teacher who did it for me. I had it dropped in my mind until I started getting texts from her,

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    I've learned that it's not about me. Don't personalize this stuff. Stay rational and ignore the emotional responses and move on to the next task.

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