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Thread: What if DH ever retires??

  1. #1
    Senior Member CathyA's Avatar
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    What if DH ever retires??

    I have always enjoyed being alone. I rallied when raising the kids and feel like I did a fairly good job with so little time to myself. But they've been out of the house for about 10 years. I don't really have friends (my choice). I love being alone.

    I've been encouraging DH to retire, since he's getting older and seems less happy in his job. But for a couple weekends, he's taken 4 days off over the weekends. And it drives me crazy!! It's my own problem, since I just can't think when people are around. I lose my focus completely. So now I'm thinking, what the heck would happen to me if/when he does retire?? It would totally throw me for a loop.

    Maybe this is hard for many women who have stayed home for many years and then their husbands retire.

    I know I'm a curious person, with curious needs. But dang.......this really scares me to think of my life changing so drastically if he were to retire. I don't blame him at all, it's my problem of not being able to concentrate with others around.
    Anyone else deal with this kind of problem?

  2. #2
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I'm the solitary type myself, and my guess is that you'll adapt. It's important to have a room/floor/outdoor studio that you can escape to. When my beloved visits, I'm content to just sit companionably with him, and read, play with my tablet, or sort paperwork. Having a particularly clingy or chatty roomie might do me in--especially if it were a 24/7 thing.

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    Do you have things you do together? Do you have separate hobbies? If yes, there will be a period of adjustment as in the end, isn't it about finding balance?

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    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I work from home, my husband is retired. He has an office with a door that can close where he can watch movies on his computer when I am on conference calls in the dining room. He visits his mom once a week, on top of doing most of the local errands. I gotta say I do look forward to those times he's out of the house just for the quiet. He has his own projects mostly during the workdays, and we spend weekend times together. It wasn't that much of a transition, but there were small issues here and there to be sure. I am still having issues with him emptying the dishwasher or chopping vegetables while I'm on calls when I can't mute myself because its my meeting . (kitchen and dining room are open to each other).

    It helps my husband is a much bigger introvert than I am. If he wanted to chat constantly, I would go nuts.

  5. #5
    Senior Member CathyA's Avatar
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    My biggest problem is that I just can't think with others around.......but that's my problem. I think I've always been like that. Maybe it has something to do with my ADD? I do have a number of issues with DH, so maybe I'm thinking those would be bigger issues if he were here all the time. Then again, if he had more time maybe he'd work on those issues more.........but I'm not sure. He sort of has tunnel vision and doesn't notice much around him that might need worked on.
    I have many more interests around here than he does. I'm more like his mother.
    Maybe I shouldn't worry about it, since I'd probably adjust. But.....that's another one of my failings.......I have trouble adjusting!
    And maybe he doesn't want to retire, because he'd have to be around ME all the time.

  6. #6
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    DH and I have pretty much been together 24/7 since we both recently retired and moved out of state. Now that we are finally settling in, the dynamic has been interesting to note as work took up most of our time before. It has been a trial for sure and more bickering than usual but as mentioned, you eventually adapt. It wasn't our intention, but we ended up buying a house that is larger than the one we sold, so there are more places to find solitude when needed. One thing for sure, I don't want to end up being his mommy by picking up after him, nagging etc.

  7. #7
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    My husband is a work till you drop, work travel for years, then poof three times he has had enough and """retired""" first time 44 last time one year ago of which he was never going back...then the call came and he went back full force. What I learned from these previews of retirement was we lived separate lives kinda as now. I did not say What are you doing? When will we? What do you want to do? We do not have the same hobbies and since 1978 that has been ok and won't change. I learned it was more like date time when we went out together, Dinner was really nice every time as we have never eaten dinner together during the week.

  8. #8
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    DH had the shed, the garage and the downstairs; I had the gardens, the main floor especially the living room for myself as our divided space. He watched TV downstairs as we both hated having the TV going when socializing.
    I am quite introvert so need quiet. We would sit with our tea in our easy chairs early in the mornings as I did my meditations and prayers. Funnily enough, it is that quiet companionship in the mornings that I really miss. He would make a fire if needed before I got up.
    Find your space that you need and explain it as important to you. For some, it is a chair, others a corner or a room or a window seat. When you sit there, you are off limits.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  9. #9
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    We negotiate kitchen priveleges a lot. A LOT!!! Today, in fact, was one of those days. He made the announcement
    "I am going to make some iced tea" which requires him to be in the kitchen work triangle while I was cooking. So I had to step out of the kitchen until he was done. We managed this without snarking at each other.

    The worst thing is that the radio is on all the day here. At first I tried ear plugs but that didnt last. I listen to the radio quite often myself by choice, I just would like some quiet in the morning, and late afternoon.

    We have property outside of our neighborhood where we have a big garden, and he spends a fair amount of time there, and then he works often at the community garden. So, its not as though he is in the house here all the time. We have a third floor that is his man cave where he retires to watch tv most evenings.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 6-8-17 at 8:47pm.

  10. #10
    Senior Member jp1's Avatar
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    When my dad retired, many years ago, he didn't really have any hobbies to occupy himself. Mom had been a housewife for many years by that point and had a stable routine for how she spent her time. Cleaning and shopping from 6am-noon, lunch, then naptime for two hours. Read the paper, cook dinner, go for a walk in the evening. (the paper and walk got reversed in winter.) After dad retired he started following her around in the mornings offering "advice" on how to improve her cleaning routine. Finally she had to sit him down and explain that her routine was hers and he needed to find something else to occupy his mornings. He ended up getting in the habit of going for long walks to different places every day and taking the bus home. This got him out of her hair and also gave him things to talk about after he got home. It ended up working great for them, but it wouldn't have happened if mom hadn't set him down and explained what she needed.

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