What if DH ever retires??

[CathyA]

That's nice to hear, jp1. I'm glad your dad was open to what your mother requested.

I think a lot of men don't have much to their lives but their job for so long, that they haven't even developed any "hobbies", and don't have a clue what to do after retirement. I'm sure it's the ones who've had other interests all along, who do better in retirement. DH doesn't seem to know what to do, except mow the lawn and pull weeds when he's not at work.. I appreciate that, but there's so much more than that that would need done. I remember when he was younger and had time off.......he would get in a bad mood and not have a clue what to do. Gee.........I never run out of things to do!
We all have things that we don't really want to do, but some of us have the discipline to do them anyhow.

DH is still working and will probably work until he drops dead (at work).....since once he starts anything, he can't stop.
I'm torn because I want to encourage him to retire, but after these 4 day weekends, it really scares me. I would probably adjust........but it won't be easy.

[jp1]

An amusing sidenote to underscore how seriously mom took her routine and methods for keeping house. A few years after dad retired mom discovered that she had osteoporosis when her ankle broke in several places as she tried to stand up from sitting in a chair. During the first couple of weeks after this dad attempted to do the vacuuming and other housekeeping. Apparently he was ok at laundry but mom found his vacuum skills to be lacking. They ended up developing a shared approach where he would situate her on one of the kitchen stools in the middle of the living room. She would vacuum around herself while he placed the other one 6 feet away or so. When she'd finished the area around the first one he'd help her move to the other one. While she was vacuuming around it he would move the first stool to a third location. And so on and so on and so on until she had completely vacuumed their condo. They did this every week until she had recovered enough to vacuum normally. After hearing that story I thought it was hilariously naive on his part to have assumed that he could have had any useful advice to offer her on housekeeping...

[CathyA]

An amusing sidenote to underscore how seriously mom took her routine and methods for keeping house. A few years after dad retired mom discovered that she had osteoporosis when her ankle broke in several places as she tried to stand up from sitting in a chair. During the first couple of weeks after this dad attempted to do the vacuuming and other housekeeping. Apparently he was ok at laundry but mom found his vacuum skills to be lacking. They ended up developing a shared approach where he would situate her on one of the kitchen stools in the middle of the living room. She would vacuum around herself while he placed the other one 6 feet away or so. When she'd finished the area around the first one he'd help her move to the other one. While she was vacuuming around it he would move the first stool to a third location. And so on and so on and so on until she had completely vacuumed their condo. They did this every week until she had recovered enough to vacuum normally. After hearing that story I thought it was hilariously naive on his part to have assumed that he could have had any useful advice to offer her on housekeeping...

[pinkytoe]

DH doesn't seem to know what to do, except mow the lawn and pull weeds when he's not at work.

We just moved to a neighborhood that seems to have a number of retiree age residents. It is amazing how much time the older men spend tending their lawns - mowing, blowing, fertilizing, watering.

[catherine]

DH and I have co-existed on a day-to-day basis for several years now. I work from home, and he's "retired" (would go back to work if he could).

I think space is the key. We each have home offices on different ends of the house and we text each other during the day.

IL, I agree about the "noise" from radio/TV during the day. As soon as he leaves to go somewhere, I turn it off.

Cathy, I think you'll adjust, but you do need to do what you can to mentally get him out of your headspace during the day. I know how that is.. thoughts sneak in like "what's he doing, does he want to eat, if I leave the house should I ask him, why is he making so much noise, wonder what he's doing now, did I remember to put another roll of toilet paper in the bathroom.." Not even conscious thoughts, but it's more like a soft chatter. That's why you lose focus. I do, too.

Just make it a point to do your thing and let him be to do his.

[razz]

Cathy, do you wonder if he is ever concerned about what will happen if he retires? DH and I talked about it and found out routine. He retired before I did so it was my retirement that was the challenge. I went from racing at work to racing as a volunteer until I smartened up 3 years later. It was funny because we found that my volunteer efforts eventually gave structure to our days. When I gave up some of them, we got confused which day of the week it was. He started teasing me to get back on the volunteer track so that we would know the day of the week.

[CathyA]

Thanks everyone. I think there are probably lots of people (especially older ones), whose relationships with their spouses are more of co-existing/tolerance. It's just too hard at an older age to make a huge change.

What frustrates me most is that DH has learned to immediately dismiss anything he doesn't want to physically deal with, or emotionally work out. It has left me with all the noticing when anything is not working/falling apart, etc. DH could live in a total dump, with nothing working. If something is happening that he doesn't want to deal with, he can totally ignore it, or say "it's fine". That leaves me with too much to deal with. And if he retires, I think it will just be more of the same.

I truly feel like his mother, and have to tell him what to do all the time. That might be fine with him, but not with me. I didn't marry him to be his mother.....or his brain.
I suppose this should be a separate post. I just felt like venting a bit. His default for everything is to mow the lawn, pull weeds. Yes, that stuff is important, but what about our failing house and barn (in which there is brand new, expensive equipment that he just bought). Okay, I'd better stop.

But it is interesting to see how others deal with sharing the house with a spouse. I think I'll start a different post and sharing the work in a relationship.

[Teacher Terry]

We downsized our house to 1400 sq ft however we each have our own office. WE have 2 tv's with one in LR and one in MB. WE watch some shows together and some separate. The garage and shed are also his to make messes and the rest of the house is clean. I do not clean his office as there is stuff everywhere. He does not notice stuff either. However, we have a blast together. WE take a daily walk together, go out to eat 2x's week and on weekends go to festivals or get together with friends. The good stuff out weighs the bad. WE have been together 20 years now.

[pinkytoe]

Cathy...have you given serious thought to simplifying where you two will live as you get older? If keeping up with all that house and land is problematic now, what about in the future?

[CathyA]

Cathy...have you given serious thought to simplifying where you two will live as you get older? If keeping up with all that house and land is problematic now, what about in the future?

I know this sounds crazy, pinkytoe, but I would rather die here than leave. I think DH feels the same. but I keep asking DH to cut back on things he mows, but he doesn't want to. Oh well.....
I'm probably just as bad with my buying trees and bushes and having several little ponds. I guess we'll have to face it some day........but not just yet. But like I said, I've brought this up a number of times with him, and once he does something, he will never stop it.