What if DH ever retires??

[iris lilies]

I know this sounds crazy, pinkytoe, but I would rather die here than leave.

I think DH feels the same...

That is a legacy that will be difficult for your children to handle. I hope you will reconsider that.

it is difficult taking care of elderly parents. It is exhausting to take care of their house, and add in extensive grounds, that is a recipe for frustration and exhaustion for your children.

[CathyA]

I'll probably "take care" of myself before I'm too much of a problem......if you get what I mean.

[pinkytoe]

I am thinking about a women I met recently who was trying to deal with elderly parents in another state. She described how they lived on a rural property they loved but the house was pretty much falling down around them because of their age and health issues. She was having to make multiple trips back and forth to deal with all of it and worried constantly about their well-being since they refused to move. I guess I have more of an issue with being an excess burden to DD someday than some since I spent so much of my younger life taking care of sick relatives. My 70 yo old brother who lives on rural, isolated property always says he'll think about it someday. Oh well...

[CathyA]

I understand what you are saying pinkytoe. For now, the trouble I am having is a DH who won't keep up with the house now..........but he can work all day in the hot sun, mowing grass and weeding. It's not that we/he can't keep up with the house, it's that he doesn't want to...or doesn't notice it, or doesn't mind it. I guess I'll have to step up and hire people to do those things, as much as I don't like it. What's funny is, he'll be ticked off that I hired someone........to do something he'd never get around to.

I do try to keep in mind that I don't want to leave a mess for my children. At this point, DS has mentioned he'd like to live here. I've tried to start cleaning a lot of things out, since I don't want them to have that burden.
I find this whole growing old thing a bit of a perplexing issue. How strange to be thinking about not being here............

[frugal-one]

Thanks everyone. I think there are probably lots of people (especially older ones), whose relationships with their spouses are more of co-existing/tolerance. It's just too hard at an older age to make a huge change.

What frustrates me most is that DH has learned to immediately dismiss anything he doesn't want to physically deal with, or emotionally work out. It has left me with all the noticing when anything is not working/falling apart, etc. DH could live in a total dump, with nothing working. If something is happening that he doesn't want to deal with, he can totally ignore it, or say "it's fine". That leaves me with too much to deal with. And if he retires, I think it will just be more of the same.

I truly feel like his mother, and have to tell him what to do all the time. That might be fine with him, but not with me. I didn't marry him to be his mother.....or his brain.
I suppose this should be a separate post. I just felt like venting a bit. His default for everything is to mow the lawn, pull weeds. Yes, that stuff is important, but what about our failing house and barn (in which there is brand new, expensive equipment that he just bought). Okay, I'd better stop.

But it is interesting to see how others deal with sharing the house with a spouse. I think I'll start a different post and sharing the work in a relationship.

Do you tell him you feel like his mother? My DH used to not notice things that needed to be done. I would mention it and he said he never even saw the things! He asked that I make a list and post it on the refrigerator. He then would look at the list... and decide what needed to be done. It saved LOTS of disagreements. It also facilitated discussions. YLMV

[CathyA]

Do you tell him you feel like his mother? My DH used to not notice things that needed to be done. I would mention it and he said he never even saw the things! He asked that I make a list and post it on the refrigerator. He then would look at the list... and decide what needed to be done. It saved LOTS of disagreements. It also facilitated discussions. YLMV

Yes, I've tried just about everything. If I have to remind him to do everything, then he feels nagged. If I put a list up, he forgets it, or has a reason for not getting to it. One of his jobs is to change the water filter in the basement/add salt to the softener/and check the mouse traps while he's down there. I finally (thought) I taught him to write down on the calendar when he changed it last, then change it every month. Well, he would forget. So I taught him to write down when it's due to be changed, and he misses it. We have a lot of iron in the water and it's ruining our nice marble sinks and our toilets and our tubs (not to mention the drinking water).....so I told him to do it every 3 weeks..........which he didn't understand why it was necessary and that became somewhat of an argument. I think he married me to be his mother........and now is rebelling against me (his mother). Oh bother.........

Actually.....I do wonder if he has ADD which has gotten worse. I don't want to be mean to him if he can't help it. I'm just having trouble believing he can't help it.

[pinkytoe]

This conversation has reminded me that I finally figured out after all these years that DH actually prefers to be given specific tasks where home is concerned. That is to say, he isn't terribly self-motivated but if I write it down on a "honey-do list" without any sort of nagging, it usually gets done. I can see why OP might be frustrated though as it sounds like her DH is "non-compliant" for some reason.

[sweetana3]

We know a couple with simiiar issues. A neighbor was so irritated by the door knob that would fall off that she got her tools and fixed it. We wondered if it was his reaction to a lifetime of his wife making requests and creating projects. She is known to volunteer him and everyone else for projects that she finds worthwhile and always has done this. She took care of the house and kids and he worked hard. Now that he is retired, well..................

Every couple is sure so different and the history of the person and the marriage can create all kinds of expectations.

[catherine]

Actually.....I do wonder if he has ADD which has gotten worse. I don't want to be mean to him if he can't help it. I'm just having trouble believing he can't help it.

BIL is the same way. I've always known it, but now that he's living with us, it's very clear and it can be frustrating. His mother always used to tell us "Xxx will do it if you tell him to.. you just have to tell him to." But we were never sure whether it was a chicken or an egg thing, since she infantilized him so severely, he never had a chance to be self-motivated.

However, his roommate skills leave a LOT to be desired. We mentioned that it would be nice if he could empty the garbage now and then, and so now, he'll announce when he's coming through the room with the garbage, "I'm taking out the garbage! It's full, so I'm taking out the garbage!" as if he thinks he deserves a medal.

I told him he could save a lot of money if he stopped going to the convenience store for coffee every morning, so now he drinks all the coffee I make. If I were a roommate, in return, I'd replace the half-and-half now and then, but it doesn't occur to him. If I say, "XXX, could you please pick up some half-and-half?" he'd say "oh, sure!" and he'd do it. We have to tell him when to mow the lawn--at HIS house. The patio is rampant with weeds. He's the one desperate to sell--doesn't he SEE the weeds??

Honestly, my kids were more mature when they were 12.

So, I share some of your frustration, Cathy... but in my case, it's more with my in-law.

[CathyA]

Thanks for everyone's input.

I don't want to paint a pic of DH as a total jerk. He's generous (to a fault), and appears to try very hard at times to please me. For example, as I mentioned, he does a ton of dishes......even when I tell him I'll get them. He says "Well, it will be one less thing you have to do".....which is really sweet......but I'd rather he did other things that were more important. It's really hard to know if his brain is just.....different.....or he is passive-aggressive, or is just worn out from his business, or is just un-disciplined at home....or whatever. I just don't know.

I am pretty direct and try to be objective about my behavior. One thing is, he NEVER tells me what he's thinking/feeling about my requests/actions. I think he thinks those things are unkind. But don't we rely on those close to us to be the ones that will let us know when they think we're out of line or unfair? So.....I have no feedback as to how my own behavior is viewed. I remember one time I was seeing a therapist a long time ago, out of frustration with DH. She asked "What does he want/expect from you?" I told her that he said he just wants me to be nice. She asked "that's all???" So that's about as specific as he gets.

I loved my MIL. She was a great person. But when her kids were young, even though she showed them love, I think she was a real drill Sargent with them. I sometimes wonder if DH got used to her telling him what to do all the time? Then his brain might learn to let other people do that for him.??

In the height of my frustration I get really angry.......but then I feel really bad for him. I really think he's pedaling as fast as he can. I guess at this point, I should just accept it and know that nothing will change, unless I take the action and make it all happen. How does one accept that? .......especially at this age.........that life just didn't go the way we'd hoped..........that sometimes, you're in the foxhole all by yourself. I guess I need to appreciate what he does add to my life. I don't want to get in the habit of forgetting those things. How does one come to terms with unfulfilled dreams.....and living a life in a way that is constantly frustrating?