The bottom fell out (part II).

[ApatheticNoMore]

most men I've seen when I WAS looking to date were interested in 10+ years younger.

of course this is often not what all women are looking for, all I ever wanted is close to my age, not seeking to rob the cradle, just my age. My mom married 15 years older (but again because my dad lied for a decade into marriage - she knew he was older but thought it was by 7 years), and she spent much time care-taking a MUCH older man, it more than scared me off that (and women live LONGER generally as well so if anything they should marry younger). Plus if a guy says he's 10 years older how do I know he's not really 15 years older? My bf is 2 1/2 years younger than me.

Remember the part where you said everybody in your dating pool is defective? You are extremely demanding. And I don't think it's necessarily that you hold others to a higher standard than you hold yourself, you just seem to find faults unacceptable. You should probably get one of the t- shirts that says "the more people I meet, the more I like my dog." Harlan isn't perfect, but that's ok with you, because Harlan is a dog. But people are also imperfect.

but seriously, I think you probably need to do some work on yourself before you go back to dating. And I don't mean push ups. You are either looking for a reason to sabotage every relationship, or you are so inflexible that you might as well give up.

I posted here: "consider lowering your standards", but I never meant it was not ok to have red flags of course. It was just starting to sound like he was finding *everyone* he dated defective. Should lying about age be a red flag or not? I have no idea frankly, because I don't think people generally make those decisions rationally anyway!!! They are drawn to a person (not necessarily "in love" but drawn) and things proceed from there, and flaws get overlooked despite worry about them etc.. And this may or may not turn out well in the long run, it is real risk to be sure (and I took more risk than I am always comfortable with - guy has a past - but not violence or anything). But maybe being a SJW though shouldn't be a red flag. There is no need to date anyone (singlehood is not a crime, it actually is a perfectly valid choice if not always an easy one), but if everyone one dates is "defective" in some way and yet one claims to want a relationship ....

[Yppej]

You might want to read Rebecca Traister and Stephanie Koontz among others. Women are getting more degrees, getting better jobs, and no longer have an economic need for men. Increasingly I am hearing the phrase "happy wife happy life" as women are less and less willing to settle. It might behoove the OP to reflect on whether his mindset that he sets rules and screens people out has served him well. So basically what Chicken Lady said.

[pinkytoe]

Wondering if a green singles dating site might be a better fit for someone looking for child-free mates and those wishing to stay that way.

[freshstart]

I'd give her another chance ...

me too

[SteveinMN]

The reason I lied about my age is I wanted people to see me and talk in person before they shut the chances to meet because of my age (to increase my chances to meet the right person, I guess?). My plan is after I meet somebody for the first time and if we decide to go further I will let him know then. And if he thinks I am too old for him I wouldn’t have a problem at all. Believe me it was hard for me, but I feel it might be not bad as long as I tell him before we meet for the second time.

Two thoughts:

- These days, it's far more difficult to keep data like birthdates under wraps. I know how easy it is to find "public record" information for any ordinary person on the Web for free, never mind what you can learn with paid services. "Fudge-first-and-clean-up-later" as an MO is questionable even if it exposes or introduces this woman to a few more people.

- For me (as someone else pointed out) the approach would taint the relationship from the get-go. I have no problem with putting oneself in the best possible light in a dating profile (FWIW my avatar picture here is the one I used when I met DW [and the other women I dated on that site; n.b. it is not a full-body shot nor am I shown taming waves on a bodyboard or such -- and now you know that the picture is almost a decade old]). But making oneself out to be someone you're not? In this case, I would be wondering from now on whether what I was hearing was accurate or if it would be "corrected" at some future time. If that woman and I chose to date exclusively, could I be sure she really is dating only me -- or is there that guy she set up a date with earlier who seems interesting even though she doesn't think much will come of meeting him -- or that she's separated from her husband but "available"? If/when the infamous "Date 3" arrives, can I believe this person when she tells me she's free of STDs? If truth is that flexible, can she trust my statement that I am "clean"? Should we bring doctor's notes?


In seeking a partner everyone has their preferences and their deal-breakers, however worthy or superficial they may be. Ultralight, of course, decides for himself. But if it truly is the deception and not the actual age that is the issue, being someone who strongly values truth and accuracy and going on a second date would not be fair to either individual.

[iris lilies]

This is a situation where it is too bad that UL and the woman cant in interact in a group, without the pressure of dating. In a casual group of people, in several encounters and over time, he could better assess her character.

For me, this age white lie wouldnt be a big deal, but I understand that for someone else, it might be and that is ok. Actually, I would probably think the white lie was stupid and unnecessary, and why do it! Makes no sense, 7 years isnt a big difference in the world of adults, so why risk credibility for such little gain? Ok, now I am talking myself into the position of this lie was a bogger deal than I originally thought.

[Yppej]

Regarding Date 3, many people carry STDs and are not aware of it. 50 to 75% of single women aged 45 to 50 in the United States are infected with genital herpes. Rates are also high for HPV and other diseases that can be asymptomatic. So if you want to be safe you should get a doctor's note or practice safe sex.

[Teacher Terry]

I don't think that most men understand how hard it can be for women that are older to get a date. Most men want younger. I say it is a little thing but it only matters if UL can let it go or not.

[Ultralight]

I don't know if that gives me hope for if I ever decide to get out in the dating world again or not - most men I've seen when I WAS looking to date were interested in 10+ years younger. I'm actually old enough to be your mom, UL - if you had a teenage mom.

My questions for you would be these types of things:
Do we share the same values?
Can we make each other laugh?
Are our lifestyles compatible?
Are we sexually attracted to each other?
Do you like dogs?

But if focusing on a major age gap is a big worry of yours, then that is on you.

[Ultralight]

I vote for a 2nd chance IF you would have gone out with her again without the lie. Just as I thought--she just wanted a foot in the door because most 30-something guys would be scared off by her age. She checks a lot of boxes for you, she's even better because she's older. I'm not convinced this little fib was enough to trash her character--yet.

She has 45-55 as the age range she is interested in on her dating profile. She is apparently not especially interested in younger men.