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Thread: The bottom fell out (part II).

  1. #31
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    If you go into the date perceiving yourself and others as "leftovers" and "defective," then things will probably not turn out well. Quirky, however, is probably good!

  2. #32
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    My last day on Match.com was about a week ago. On that last day I started having a conversation with a woman. She is 40, and according to her profile does not have kids or want kids. She is also an atheist. She was born in China, grew up there, then moved to the US for college. She ended up getting a job here and staying. She was married and divorced.

    So she is either defective or quirky. That is how it is with us leftovers, we're either defective or quirky (or both, I suppose).
    maybe lower your standards, accept defective and quirky (but never cruel).

    (Truthfully in my case I see much of that as preordained, have a weird enough childhood, and the chances of total normalcy later on are much sparser - by that point weird enough oneself that ...).
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post

    So she is either defective or quirky. That is how it is with us leftovers, we're either defective or quirky (or both, I suppose).
    As a 51-year-old woman doing online dating, I take offense at this (joking, kind of).

    First of all, all of us are "quirky." NONE of us are "normal."

    Secondly, I can't even count the objections I have to the word "defective." What I will say, though, is, especially for those of us who did not witness a successful relationship growing up (which, I would venture to say, is most of us), succeeding at relationships takes skills many of us don't develop until we've made a lot of big mistakes. I don't know if I will ever get it right, and I'm trying to make my peace with that. But I feel I have a much better sense now of how to be a decent partner than I had 5, 10, or especially 20 years ago. I also have a much better appreciation of the value of working out a healthy partnership for me as an individual.

    I highly recommend this:

    https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/o...ng-person.html

    And this:

    https://onbeing.org/programs/alain-d...relationships/

    And finally, I recently heard a novelist say that the journey to being able to love another is really a journey to loving ourselves. Emotionally, I still struggle with understanding this, but intellectually, I know she's right.

    I hope you can be open to that woman, with all her quirkiness and foibles and imperfections, and that she can be open to you with all of yours. Because frankly, nobody is going to come along and fix everything you don't like about your life or about the human condition. But you might find a partner who can be by your side and hold your hand through it.

    This is all meant with kindness and support. I know being single can be tough.

  4. #34
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    agree with the above, good luck on the date! try to remain open

  5. #35
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ejchase View Post
    First of all, all of us are "quirky." NONE of us are "normal."
    +1

    I have a sign in my kitchen that says "Remember, as far as everyone else is concerned, we are a nice, normal family."

    I've tried so hard to "pretend" to be normal, whatever that means, in my cookie cutter neighborhood of soccer moms and commuter dads. Then I realized that everyone has a story, and none of us are "normal."

    With regard to the "defective" thing, I remember when my mother divorced my father and married a very stable man, I used to think how funny it was that people considered us a "broken home" because of the divorce, when in my mind we were "fixed."

    Have fun on. your date!

    (BTW, nice post, ej)
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  6. #36
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    UL: people are not defective-only products are)

  7. #37
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    UL: people are not defective-only products are)
    I think you need to get out more.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  8. #38
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Saying no one is defective is like saying everyone is unique and special.

    Am I defective? Uh... yeah, I eat too much pasta for sure. I can't do even the simplest math. When it comes to relationships every woman has called me "cagey" or "guarded" and they are probably right.

    My defects seem fairly small to me, even forgivable.

    Get over yourselves, people! We have defects.

    Think about a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. They are defective!

    See how I just changed your minds? You did not see that coming.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    UL: people are not defective-only products are)
    Well said, Terry! I can see why you are in the mental health field--kindness and a positive attitude do a lot to change the world in a good way!

  10. #40
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    Well said, Terry! I can see why you are in the mental health field--kindness and a positive attitude do a lot to change the world in a good way!
    So the world is defective and needs to be changed for the better? Makes sense. Wait... no, maybe the world is just quirky.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

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